I'm in my early 20's so this may seem very stupid yet hear me out. There are days where I am happy and days when I am sad and I get a message from someone I admire and sometimes that message will make me grin from ear to ear. I have probably a handful of good friends yet these are friends that don't really keep in touch so life can be lonely. If there was an easy way to leave this world without effecting those around me or traumatising anyone I would of been gone a while back. Yet I am here. Plodding on through life. Perhaps my life will become amazing one day. I leave to start uni next year, while I save now (I already went to uni but dropped out). Just as things start to go well someone throws a spanner in the works. I've been recommended to find peace and happiness in a religion, which I fail to follow because the most power the Gods of the mainstream religion have are to appear in toast or the froth of a coffee. I work alot. According to my parents I need to save money, I did want to buy a new car but apparently I have to save money for the sake of saving money! Flawless logic. Yes I am probably young and naive but we have to do what makes us happy regardless of age. I would rather by a cheap house in the middle of nowhere and get a really fun car and just drive. Ofcourse if i got married and had kids then my life would be about the kids untill they went their own way and I got a cottage in the hills of greece or something different. Life is just a pursuit of happiness and people lose track of what life actually is by saving money and paying bills and living for the sake of living. I am probably sending out mixed messages. I don't want to die but I am just tired of this life. Its a complicated thing to get your head around but those who feel the same will know it can be worse than constant depression. One minute you are happy, the next you are depressed and it makes you think that you have a physical or psychological problem. Me personally believe it is just my perception, I can over think things which leads to spouts of negativity. Reading this back to myself makes me realise that I look quite needy and self involved because of the use of I so many times. Although I do not know any other way of getting this out of my system without over using I so forgive me haha. Hopefully all I need to get by in life is a tether to this world, one saying does spring to mind;"All a man needs in this life is someone to love. If you can't give him that then give him something to hope for. If you can't give him that then just give him something to do." All I have seemed to do for the past few years is "do", and if I am honest guys I'm getting tired, I look into the future and see not much hope. Hope not just for me but for everyone. You wonder how people can still watch the news without feeling suicidal. I would love to help people, in my quest to ultimately find love my personality has developed so that people are always put before myself. Because in other peoples happiness I find joy, I think to myself, "today I made someone happy" and that weirdly makes me happy. This can take a psychological toll on you though when you see how people can be quite selfish, yet you fight through hoping to find that one kind hearted person. I have rambled of too much so I shall cut it short. Thankyou for reading and letting me waste your time haha . Wish you all the best. Signing out.