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Hopeless and exhausted

#1
I'm sorry, I don't think there's anything anyone can do, I'm just.. feeling lost and sad and hopeless and I don't know what to do.

My partner and I kind of broke up today. Kind of, in that we will have further conversations most likely... but the words "beginning of the end" were thrown around. And I fucking believe it. It's all my stupid fault and I don't know how to cope. All he's been asking of me has been honesty and openness and I was fucking afraid and... didn't. There were some incidents recently that led me to believe I might just be too broken to make this relationship work and today just confirmed that. I've been pretty depressed for other reasons, and tonight everything kind of came to a head... and he asked me to explain some behaviors I have - I get evasive and vague and it bothers him to no end and I KNOW that, I just rarely spot it in the moment.

So. I did explain. Tried. Long story short I used to be in a somewhat abusive relationship and some stuff fucking lingers and while he knew in general terms the vague outlines this was the first time I spoke about some things from back then. To anyone really. And while he was supportive, it was also followed up by "I don't think we should make any sort of future plan together as long as you ever get scared of me."

Its true. It just fucking hurts to have the confirmation i'm not okay enough to function like a normal being and not treat the most warm-hearted person i know like an enemy. It hurts that I can't see a way out of that, this shit doesn't get fixed overnight. I'm hurt that after opening up like that, and talking further, and getting nowhere, I got told I "don't seem engaged".

No. I wasn't. I was coming down from a rather nerve-wrecking experience. But it doesn't change things. I'm just... sorry. If anyone has some kind words for someone who messed things up beyond belief, well... i could use some honestly.
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#2
I'm sorry, I don't think there's anything anyone can do, I'm just.. feeling lost and sad and hopeless and I don't know what to do.

My partner and I kind of broke up today. Kind of, in that we will have further conversations most likely... but the words "beginning of the end" were thrown around. And I fucking believe it. It's all my stupid fault and I don't know how to cope. All he's been asking of me has been honesty and openness and I was fucking afraid and... didn't. There were some incidents recently that led me to believe I might just be too broken to make this relationship work and today just confirmed that. I've been pretty depressed for other reasons, and tonight everything kind of came to a head... and he asked me to explain some behaviors I have - I get evasive and vague and it bothers him to no end and I KNOW that, I just rarely spot it in the moment.

So. I did explain. Tried. Long story short I used to be in a somewhat abusive relationship and some stuff fucking lingers and while he knew in general terms the vague outlines this was the first time I spoke about some things from back then. To anyone really. And while he was supportive, it was also followed up by "I don't think we should make any sort of future plan together as long as you ever get scared of me."

Its true. It just fucking hurts to have the confirmation i'm not okay enough to function like a normal being and not treat the most warm-hearted person i know like an enemy. It hurts that I can't see a way out of that, this shit doesn't get fixed overnight. I'm hurt that after opening up like that, and talking further, and getting nowhere, I got told I "don't seem engaged".

No. I wasn't. I was coming down from a rather nerve-wrecking experience. But it doesn't change things. I'm just... sorry. If anyone has some kind words for someone who messed things up beyond belief, well... i could use some honestly.
Hello, I don’t know if I’ve interpreted this exactly right on the first read-through (or pass over), but! Here goes..:^) I think that, it was a bit much of him to feel it necessary to make you disclose this in this detailed a manner, if you’ve made it clear the ramifications of what potentially doing so might incur (you). You may need therapy to process the trauma, abuse, etc. the bad things you went through with your ex, you could have ptsd, any number of emotional issues that warrant a trained professional to handle (like a licensed therapist; & not, your boyfriend who is selfishly coercing/or forcing you into doing something you don’t want to do). By indulging him and overindulging, in a way, emotionally ... with all that baggage, for lack of a better word, you basically made yourself (feel) worse. This is again where a pro is needed to do the job right and it would be nice if it could be done ✅ that way the first time... but? It’s not too late, I don’t think you’ve personally done anything wrong. And so to put any sort of blame onto your own shoulders or anything is ridiculous, in my opinion. Maybe some others can share some additional information? Don’t worry, you’re fine! You’re going to be alright (or is it “all right?”) well - which ever jt is, that’s what you’re going to be. . . Trust me! : )
 

MosesY

Functioning Alcoholic
#3
Love is patient and kind, slow to anger; love delights in truth. That is a quote from a book I read. If your partner loved you they would accept you as you are. I believe there are three things that make us the person we are; genetics, environment, and choices. You are the person you are mainly because of genetics and environment. This is not your fault. You are an amazing person and deserve to be loved. Perhaps your partner is not the right person, they don't love you, but that is not your fault; it is their fault for not being patient and kind and delighting in truth.
 

Lara_C

Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#5
Hi MsMurphy, I don't know if this will help but I feel this very painful experience is an opportunity for you to grow. It's normal to feel sad, helpless, and despairing when life seems to have no purpose and your experiences no meaning. Pointless endless suffering makes life itself seem a meaningless burden, but these painful experiences show us that we can't rely on anything or anyone outside us to bring us happiness that lasts. Having looked outside us and not found happiness that lasts, the only place left to look is within ourselves.

I think we need to stop thinking/telling ourselves we are weak and helpless and find the inner strength that frees us from dependency on anyone else for our happiness. We need to realize our own power and become self reliant, not dependent on anything or anyone else. I think your BF is looking for a relationship of equal adults, believing you are too dependent on him for all your happiness. That's a heavy burden to take on, and though people whose needs from each other are balanced can help each other to reach their full potential in life, ultimately only we can do the work on ourselves. He feels he can't make you happy and at this stage in your lives he might be right. It's up to you to show him you're happy being with him and that he can be happy with you but maybe youre not right for each other at this point?
 
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