I'm sorry, I don't think there's anything anyone can do, I'm just.. feeling lost and sad and hopeless and I don't know what to do.
My partner and I kind of broke up today. Kind of, in that we will have further conversations most likely... but the words "beginning of the end" were thrown around. And I fucking believe it. It's all my stupid fault and I don't know how to cope. All he's been asking of me has been honesty and openness and I was fucking afraid and... didn't. There were some incidents recently that led me to believe I might just be too broken to make this relationship work and today just confirmed that. I've been pretty depressed for other reasons, and tonight everything kind of came to a head... and he asked me to explain some behaviors I have - I get evasive and vague and it bothers him to no end and I KNOW that, I just rarely spot it in the moment.
So. I did explain. Tried. Long story short I used to be in a somewhat abusive relationship and some stuff fucking lingers and while he knew in general terms the vague outlines this was the first time I spoke about some things from back then. To anyone really. And while he was supportive, it was also followed up by "I don't think we should make any sort of future plan together as long as you ever get scared of me."
Its true. It just fucking hurts to have the confirmation i'm not okay enough to function like a normal being and not treat the most warm-hearted person i know like an enemy. It hurts that I can't see a way out of that, this shit doesn't get fixed overnight. I'm hurt that after opening up like that, and talking further, and getting nowhere, I got told I "don't seem engaged".
No. I wasn't. I was coming down from a rather nerve-wrecking experience. But it doesn't change things. I'm just... sorry. If anyone has some kind words for someone who messed things up beyond belief, well... i could use some honestly.
My partner and I kind of broke up today. Kind of, in that we will have further conversations most likely... but the words "beginning of the end" were thrown around. And I fucking believe it. It's all my stupid fault and I don't know how to cope. All he's been asking of me has been honesty and openness and I was fucking afraid and... didn't. There were some incidents recently that led me to believe I might just be too broken to make this relationship work and today just confirmed that. I've been pretty depressed for other reasons, and tonight everything kind of came to a head... and he asked me to explain some behaviors I have - I get evasive and vague and it bothers him to no end and I KNOW that, I just rarely spot it in the moment.
So. I did explain. Tried. Long story short I used to be in a somewhat abusive relationship and some stuff fucking lingers and while he knew in general terms the vague outlines this was the first time I spoke about some things from back then. To anyone really. And while he was supportive, it was also followed up by "I don't think we should make any sort of future plan together as long as you ever get scared of me."
Its true. It just fucking hurts to have the confirmation i'm not okay enough to function like a normal being and not treat the most warm-hearted person i know like an enemy. It hurts that I can't see a way out of that, this shit doesn't get fixed overnight. I'm hurt that after opening up like that, and talking further, and getting nowhere, I got told I "don't seem engaged".
No. I wasn't. I was coming down from a rather nerve-wrecking experience. But it doesn't change things. I'm just... sorry. If anyone has some kind words for someone who messed things up beyond belief, well... i could use some honestly.