Sorry you'll have to excuse the typos still pretty groggy. It's long but I need to tell someone. I know no one here can help but I really need to tell someone. I was ready attempt wednesday but too many things werent quite right. Should of waited but instead did a half assed effort and ended up "arrested" on wednesday dragged out of my own home and taken to a hospital where a pdoc assessed me, said I was tired but other wise fine, and sent me home. Friday I went out with a friend to the bar had a wonderful "last" time and before we left, went through with my plan. Saturday I come to long enough to find out I'm being transferred from this hospital emergency to another hospital. I spend a weekend alone in a room with no contact other than a nurse popping her head in my room every 15 minutes to say she has to. Monday I finally see a pdoc. I tell him my worries and woes and he says there is little he can do. I ask for a chance to go for a smoke( you smokers out there know the Hell I'm in not having a smoke since friday) and he says no because I'm still a risk to myself. So I say no smoke then dischage me. He does!!! Time adn time again all these professionals tell me that I dont know how to make the right decisions for my own safety and health. Guess they do huh? Where the Hell am I suppose to get all this wonderful help that is out there for depressed and hopeless people. I have a pdoc that wont help adjust my meds. I saw him in I think January and told him I'm suicidal 24/7. The literature witht he meds always says if you feel suicidal contact your doctor immediately. I did. He wouldnt help. I have a mental health worker that said she was concerned when I walked out of our last meeting and she would call daily to check up on me and I have yet to hear her call (that too was in January). I HAD a support group but because I missed 2 sessions they havent asked me back. I have health problems related to my cancer, my 3 year old and myself will be homeless in July, financial problems that would be gone if the court systems would take care of the dead beat dad and asshole ex, a 17 tyear old that keeps pushing me further and fuirther and then throws the guilt at me, friends that used me for what they needed and then poof disappeared when I really needed them. Told me pretty much to fuck off when I turned to them for help, a family that just cant understand and take great pleasure in pushing all my buttons too and I'm so so tired physically and emotionally. I havent got an ounce left to give financially, emotionally physically and I cant see even the slightest flicker of hope no matter how hard I look or where I look. So please tell me..... what am I suppose to do. I have one solution that no one will let me persue. One that will insure my kids a future and me finally some peace. I keep reaching out but there is nothing there to grab and it tires me out even more. So here I sit, at my keyboard typing what? I know I need help but that isnt even there. All I truly have our my suicidal thoughts, feelings and my darkness. So screwe it, guess I'll have that smoke now and figure out when the next opportunity will come my way.