Hopeless and no help in sight

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by itmahanh, Feb 23, 2009.

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  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Sorry you'll have to excuse the typos still pretty groggy. It's long but I need to tell someone. I know no one here can help but I really need to tell someone.

    I was ready attempt wednesday but too many things werent quite right. Should of waited but instead did a half assed effort and ended up "arrested" on wednesday dragged out of my own home and taken to a hospital where a pdoc assessed me, said I was tired but other wise fine, and sent me home. Friday I went out with a friend to the bar had a wonderful "last" time and before we left, went through with my plan. Saturday I come to long enough to find out I'm being transferred from this hospital emergency to another hospital. I spend a weekend alone in a room with no contact other than a nurse popping her head in my room every 15 minutes to say she has to. Monday I finally see a pdoc. I tell him my worries and woes and he says there is little he can do. I ask for a chance to go for a smoke( you smokers out there know the Hell I'm in not having a smoke since friday) and he says no because I'm still a risk to myself. So I say no smoke then dischage me. He does!!! Time adn time again all these professionals tell me that I dont know how to make the right decisions for my own safety and health. Guess they do huh? Where the Hell am I suppose to get all this wonderful help that is out there for depressed and hopeless people.

    I have a pdoc that wont help adjust my meds. I saw him in I think January and told him I'm suicidal 24/7. The literature witht he meds always says if you feel suicidal contact your doctor immediately. I did. He wouldnt help. I have a mental health worker that said she was concerned when I walked out of our last meeting and she would call daily to check up on me and I have yet to hear her call (that too was in January). I HAD a support group but because I missed 2 sessions they havent asked me back.

    I have health problems related to my cancer, my 3 year old and myself will be homeless in July, financial problems that would be gone if the court systems would take care of the dead beat dad and asshole ex, a 17 tyear old that keeps pushing me further and fuirther and then throws the guilt at me, friends that used me for what they needed and then poof disappeared when I really needed them. Told me pretty much to fuck off when I turned to them for help, a family that just cant understand and take great pleasure in pushing all my buttons too and I'm so so tired physically and emotionally.

    I havent got an ounce left to give financially, emotionally physically and I cant see even the slightest flicker of hope no matter how hard I look or where I look. So please tell me..... what am I suppose to do. I have one solution that no one will let me persue. One that will insure my kids a future and me finally some peace. I keep reaching out but there is nothing there to grab and it tires me out even more. So here I sit, at my keyboard typing what? I know I need help but that isnt even there. All I truly have our my suicidal thoughts, feelings and my darkness. So screwe it, guess I'll have that smoke now and figure out when the next opportunity will come my way.
  2. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    :sad: I could have written that word for word, you describe it so well and for those of us that have been there, are living it daily will truely understand, BUT hun some will be and are your very dear friends and will always be there and ready to offer a hand, I for one am glad to see you, but having been where you have been that isnt always what you are wanting to hear and is of little comfort, but rest assured, I totally understand and will always be around when you need that friend

    Take care hun hugs and a person that relates so well to your pain
  3. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member


    I'm so sorry your having all these troubles compounded over your head. What a simply awful struggle you face.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Carla,
    I don't know what country your in so it is hard to give advice..Have you applied for public assistance? With you having a three year old and a seventeen year old you should have no problem getting assistance if you live in the USA.
    You need to contact the clerk of the courts and let them know that dead beat dad isn't paying what he owes. I divorced my ex when my daughter was two and have always paid my support. I went probably the first two years with out paying because I couldn't find a job. But ever since I always paid and also paid the back support for those two years. It burns me up when I hear someone isn't taking care of their responsibilities..
    I have just here recently been sent a letter from child support in New York saying I owe over three thousand in back support. They are frigging crazy. My daughter is 27 and I have an 8 year old grandaughter.Now there saying I owe more, there is no way in hell. Now I have to get a lawyer and I am on diability so I don't know where the money is going to come from..
    Sorry I got off on a rant and am not helping you!! You really need to check into public assistance before you loose your home. You can file a hardship case because of your mental illness. Maybe that asshole doctor of yours will give you a letter stating this. I'm all out of ideas, maybe some of the others here can elaborate more.. And by the way I am glad to hear you are still fighting!! That makes me very happy!!!Take Care and if I think of anything else I will PM you o.k.
  5. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    i know life is beating you down but this will never help , everytime you do this you hurt yourself more and more and you move further away from any help.
    you should have stayed in hospital where you could have got some help, limited maybe going from what you said but better than leaving coz of a need for a smoke.
    your plan of suicide will never be in the best interests of your children, no matter what you think they wil still need their mum.
    you don't want them taken by the state or live with the ex / dad in the event of your death and whatever financial gain you think they will get will not only be short lived but small compensation for not having you.

    your life can't be full of negatives, look deeper hun.
  6. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    Can any of you here can help her out? I'm sure many of you know her by now and understand her predicament. There are some of us here who are financially well off and it really would alleviate her distress (at the very least, a part of it). I really hope some well-off forumners here could extend her some help. If I could, I would. We are a community here, we should help one another if we can. Hope you all don't mind me posting this. Maybe someone could do something to be with her, even if not financially but as a real life friend.
  7. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    Hey last

    Course people wont mind you posting that you are tying to help,Carla we have been friends for a long longtime and life has thrown some awful blows our way but you know where I am and I will talk with you anytime you need support of friendship

  8. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm so sorry. I dont want that kind of help from anyone here, never ever. That goes against me very being. I just wanted to vent I guess. I'm so tired of hearing everyone else when they need it but never seem to find an ear in the RL when I need one. Sorry to have vented. My situation is not fixable. I've tried all the angles that are available to me. Trust me, I have tried not for me but for the sake of my kids to keep a roof over their heads atleast. But some people like me always seem to fall through the cracks. It sucks but that's life. The only ptroblem is that if it was just me falling through that's fine but my kids are too. And it seems the harder I try the further I fall. I give up. It's up to fate or destiny or whatever you want to call it now. All I know is I give up there is nothing left to fight with or offer. And I cant remain in a world that is quickly turning me into a uncaring cold and even malice person. I wont allow this life to take the good person that I believe I am away from me. Like the saying goes... do or die. Well I have no more do left. Say what you will but I'm certain many of you realize that what I'm doing is finally the only solution left. If nothing else, maybe it will open a few eyes in the process to just how hard it is to suffer mental health issues and just how poorly the "system" is set up to help people like me and to educate the rest of the world. All I know is that peace and rest is what I seek and yep selfish as ole Hell but I know it's guaranteed.
  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I sit here right now fully knowing I need to be in the hospital. And to be honest, I still am feeling the effects of the drugs I took to a degree. But I cant fathom the thought of going back. When I was "talking" to the shrink I know I wasnt quite "all there" or thinking clearly. But that is part of my point. The doc is supposed to know better. He says I was still a danger to myself but yet he discharges me. I've been in the hospital too many times before and I know that the docs realize that when patients are in a mental crisis they are the ones that have to make the right choices. So I sit here thinking does even the doc know that I'm hopeless and that was his way of dismissing me too? I dont know dont care and I give up on the whole business. He isnt the first to brush me off and if I keep "holding" on he wont be the last. I'm too confused and hurt to care anymore.
  10. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to send you some of these :hug:
  11. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    itmahanh - your posts are so poignant. I know you don't know anything about me, and vice versa, but i hope you don't mind me replying to your post because i found it very touching.

    To say that i really feel for you sounds utterly pathetic but i don't have the right words to be honest. So i just hope it is okay to say that feel i have some understanding of your pain. I know that feeling of not being listened too, the pain of depression is enough to deal with let alone having to fight for health professionals to listen on top of that! I have had that happen to me on a number of occasions, please indulge me whilst i write about them, i hope through them you'll see you are not alone!

    The very first time i got the courage to go to my drs and try and explain to them the pain i was in i was told that i was making a big deal out of nothing and to go away. That was so painful. I am not a dramatic person, i don't shout from the rooftops about how bad i'm feeling so to be told, when i did get the courage to be truthful, that i was being a drama queen hurt beyond belief. To be perfectly truthful my self harm started after that appt, i honestly believe that if i had been listened to at that point i wouldn't have taken the knife to my skin that first time out of pure hopelessness and i would not now be riddled with scars. It makes me so angry now thinking about how that dr treated me, i deserved more respect! She won't ever know what she did that day but i hope to God she is now more aware of mental health issues.

    The next time i went to the drs (yes i went back - surprised?!), he actually diagnosed depression, he then briefly told me what it was and then said bye bye. I wasn't put on medication because i was due to go abroad for a month or 2 soon after the appt, and he simply said if it is still there when i got back to make another appt. It has been 6yrs since the first appt.....needless to say it never went away!

    I have had suicidal ideation for many years but the yr before last i became so depressed i actually became suicidal. My self harm was out of control and i was drinking far too much and generally being self-destructive. I spoke to my counsellor many times during this period and at times categorically said i was buying things to help me kill myself, however never once did she say i should go to the hospital or provide any emergency care numbers, she simply made me another appt for a months time. At this pt i was finding it impossible to make it through the day. It hurt like hell because what i was saying was a massive cry for help but i was ignored. I eventually went to an emergency walk-in clinic.

    Finally i managed to get a referral to a pdoc after i went to hospital. I saw the pdoc for 30mins, she took 2 phone calls during this time and signed for a packaged, then decided to keep me on the ADs i was on, add some anti-psychotic meds and said she was discharging me back to my local dr! I couldn't believe it, i was anti-psychotics for some strange thinking and bad anxiety but she didn't think it was important to review me? Never once during this time did she take any bloods or do an ecog that i later found was needed for the medication i was on! She simply told me i seemed like a sensible girl. I gave up at this point because for one i am not a girl(!), nor am i sensible; i am severely self destructive when i'm depressed but i have a put on a mask for so long i found it impossible to be fully truthful with that many interruptions during our appt.

    These are some of the key times where i have felt utterly let down by the health care provided towards me. Recently i took myself off my ADs without my drs help. I phoned them to get an appt and the way my drs works is that your tell them what is wrong and they make the appt with the appropriate dr (this is scary in itself!). Anyway i wanted to get off the meds (because i was very angry at the time and self-destructive) and the dr i was talking to (who had never seen me before) was reluctant as they were the ADs prescribed by the pdoc, when i explained that pdoc had discharged me she simply said okay, alternate doses and make an appt in a month for a check up. I didn't. I felt so uncared for that i couldn't bother to care about myself. If they had have made me an appt i doubt they would have said it was a good idea to go off the ADs.

    So I agree with you, how can you trust these people when make such poor decisions. When i'm depressed i simply cannot say i need help, i do rely on others to identify it. I have found over the years though that absolutely nothing is done unless you fight for it yourself. This makes me so angry. Personally i am lucky to have such a supportive family otherwise i would definately not be here today. I just wanted to write all this so you know that none of the treatment you have encountered is about you. There are some really bad health professionals and to be totally honest it is truly disgraceful. I work in health care and it is sad to say that even those in the system can identify poor care but feel powerless to do anything about it. That is why sometimes i feel i want to get better so i can stop these experiences happening for other people. Unfortunately i'm so depressed right now i can't even imagine being better and i can't imagine i could do anything to help anyway....

    It is hell, i agree. Those in a caring position should take care of their patients!! A close relative of mine was able to commit suicide because he was let out of hospital - where the hell were the safe guards to prevent this?! I truly feel for you because i do believe you have done as much as you can to get the help you truly deserve! I can only hope that somewhere deep inside, you have the strength to keep extending your hand, and i pray one day you'll be guided to safety. I have found the Samaritans to be one of the few places where i can say everything i need and truly be listened too. I take solace in their help these days. Like you i'm not willing to go back to a health service that doesn't care about me, because i don't care about me either right now.

    I understand that patients need to take responsibility for their own care. I understand i should eat right, exercise, make an appt to see a dr, but people don't seem to understand sometimes it is truly impossible and sometimes i do honestly think 'what's the point, what exactly will change?'. I want to end on a positive note though, and i have to say i did meet one really great pdoc who really listened, i only saw him once but through him i saw what care should be.

    I'm sorry i wrote so much, i always do. It is an embarrassing trait of mine.
  12. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Sorry folks another long post but bear with me.

    Sweet... thank you for being brave enough to post your reply. I hope other members read it and understand how difficult it can be even with help. I hear and read everyday how the governments of this planet waste so much time and effort on trivial things. Mental health issues have to be brought forward and dealt with. We have modern facilities but we are still in the dark ages when the care is poor and most remedies are a shot in the dark. And people who dont suffer mental health issues have to be educated about the stigmas connected to it. Some literature the hospital gave me states that " by 2020 it is estimated that depressive illnesses will become the second leading cause of disease burden worldwide and the leading cause in developed countries like Canada". Seems like a real problem to me?

    My nurse at the hospital got angry with me because I just broke down and started crying uncontrollably ( in the privacy of my room). First thing she says is I'm going to go get a sedative. Well I'm not one that cries very often or lets my true feelings show even less. But here I am weeping out of control and all she wants is to medicate me so that is as far as her part in it has to go. The brochures they give you upon admission says talk to your nurse if you're feeling depressed etc. Well could she not see that? Granted maybe I should of asked, but I cant bring myself to ask strangers to help, just the type of person I am. So I went into the bathroom in my room and sat on the cold floor to try and settle myself. This really seemed to enrage her and she again insisted on drugs even though I said no. What would of really helped was if she could of sat and just let me talk or her trying to talk to me. But no. After about 15 minutes I was doing a little better. Where was she? Sitting at the nurses station laughing about what happened at the bar that past weekend. How the Hell am I supposed to feel at that point? I go to walk past the station and she says " hope that's all over with".

    It really hurts deeper than most of these staff know when they carelessly use the words they do. Ok fair enough they have to deal with this stuff everyday. But then isnt that their job? Isnt that what they expected when THEY decided to follow this career option. If they cant be more compassionate then it is time to find another occupation.

    Sweet, thank you for sharing your experiences. I'm sorry that yet another person has had to experience the uncaring behavior of those that are there solely to help people in our situations. I dont know but when it appears that a professional is writing me off it certainly makes me believe I'm truly hopeless. Thanks to all of you that have tried to show me I'm not. But the damage is deep. I'm trying though, I really am.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 25, 2009
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