Hopeless and pained of my own doing. Why NOT suicide?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by NorthSouth, Jul 17, 2016.

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  1. NorthSouth

    NorthSouth Active Member

    I know, I know, you've probably read this all before, so there's really not going to be anything special about what I say. There's nothing dramatic about it. I've just had enough of living with myself. I won't do what it takes to make myself feel better. I must prefer the pain and withdrawal and tears over any fleeting happiness out there. The world is getting scary, between police shootings, terrorism and a bully of a man running for president. But more so, I just don't have any confidence that I can handle what I'm going to have to in the future -- assuming I'm still living. I've been a failure and a lazy bum for 25 years -- why would I suddenly change now? Maybe I had a chance last year with some unexpected happiness, but it's gone now and I don't feel it could ever be replicated. I know this doesn't tell my full story, except to say if I can find some way to commit suicide without getting anyone else involved (train engineer, another driver, etc.) and make sure that I will NOT survive the attempt, I just might go ahead with it. I don't think there's any hope to experience any joy out of life. Even if I tried, it would involve going through anxiety, awkwardness and self-consciousness just for a few fleeting moments. Does that seem worth it? I don't think so. I don't know what anyone can tell me. I don't anyone writing back just for the sake of telling me "things can be okay." You don't know me. I can't or won't make things right. I just promised I would write something before continuing to research suicide methods. Yes, it does seem easier than researching happiness, before you bring it up.
  2. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Staff Member Safety & Support

    You said you had some unexpected happiness last year. This means that....before last year you didn't expect it but it came anyway. Likewise, whether you expect it or not or feel it can be replicated, it is possible that something unexpected and pleasant/positive will happen again. Life has many unexpected events.
    The awkwardness, anxiety and self-consciousness can all be overcome or sufficiently managed so that they don't prevent or impair you from functioning. Are these the main things that are troubling you as you typed? You do not know that the moments that may come will be fleeting or few.

    There is no way that will not involve someone else. Someone will likely eventually have to find you, or maybe worse deal with the pain of not finding you.

    You don't want anyone writing back to say that things can be okay, so I won't. But you already came up with that possibility on your own. I don't need to know you but everyone alive has some chance of having some happiness, it may not come in the way you want or anticipate but it can come in an unexpected way.

    Have you shared how you are feeling with anyone around you in real life?
    Charlotte918 likes this.
  3. NorthSouth

    NorthSouth Active Member

    Hello Aleximarie. The happiness from last year was something I had only experienced twice in my lifetime, but unfortunately wasn't meant to be. I don't expect anything to "pop up" again like that. If I wan't a life and a chance at any happiness, I have to work at it. That's where I believe I won't succeed due to my laziness and social fears.

    I've been in therapy and on medication for a long time now. It's all good except it doesn't really work unless the patient is willing to help himself. God, I wish I could snap my fingers and just disappear. In the grand scheme of things, it won't make a difference. I screwed up my life -- it's my fault and I have to deal with the consequences -- unless I kill myself, in which we'll see.
  4. Charlotte918

    Charlotte918 Member

    Those moments of happiness-what made them fleeting? Did you know that each emotion lasts forever and no time at all? Think about forever. How do you want forever to last? Think about fleeting moments. How do you want those? Then consider life. It is both a series of moments and a string of forevers. When you focus on the things you don't want, you bring them to the front and live within them more. Pick one thing that you wanted, asked for, and got. No matter how small or large, size is irrelevant. Allow yourself to relive the good feeling, live within the feeling, and then release it. Thank the thing for bringing good into your life and then wish it well as you both move on. Then pick one thing that makes you feel bad. Live within that feeling, but don't stay there. Thank it for the lessons it brought you and allow that feeling to go on its way. Imagine the waves washing over the sand. Some are large and some are small, but they are only part of the ocean. Let other people be the solid rock beneath your feet as the tide comes in and goes out. Know that it is you who is strong enough to both hold the feelings and let them go.
  5. NorthSouth

    NorthSouth Active Member

    I'm sorry, Charlotte, but I have no idea what you're talking about. Look, I had it a bit tough growing up with bullies and a verbally abusive father with Alcoholism -- God rest his soul. But blame or no blame, I have to take care of myself and my own well-being, and I just don't think based on my track record that I will ever be able to, and it's getting late in the game. I have very little importance and influence to society so suicide just seems to make the most sense. I'll just leave it there for now as I have to go and start my menial work...
  6. mentalhealthnurse

    mentalhealthnurse Well-Known Member

    I felt like that last weekend so I joined this site. I believed fully at that point that I wanted to die and I had chosen my method. People on here told me the feeling wouldn't last forever and that I just had to pull through the hard times. I had no one. I'm still here. Sometimes it's about going through the motions with life before it picks up again. Sometimes you suffer longer than you want to but misery like happiness doesn't last for ever. The cycle has to turn at some point.
    Charlotte918 and AlexiMarie7 like this.
  7. NorthSouth

    NorthSouth Active Member

    I apologize if I seem argumentative with my replies. That seems to be my nature. I'm not saying you're wrong in your assessments and I have moments where I'd prefer things to be better and rather live. But it's those moments that hurt more when it seems that's not possible and even less so as I get older (now 46.) I do get depressed but I don't know if I have clinical depression. I know I'm hard on myself and can't accept self-love. Well, now I'm just rambling. I'll sign off now and come back if I need to. Let someone who really wants to help themselves take the floor. Thanks for your time.
  8. NorthSouth

    NorthSouth Active Member

    You know, I'm thinking of going away in September -- "going away" in the sense of taking a vacation, as well as just disappearing. I'm sorry. I know it's going to upset some people, but I have realized that I have kept myself from making decisions or doing things for myself at the risk of upsetting people while I may benefit for all my life. Well, that's the way things go, and this one time I'm going to decide to do something that will be for me. I'm giving myself what I want and even if it's selfish I don't care if it creates difficulties for some. I just wind up being a burden in one form or another to everybody anyway. I would give myself something positive if I thought I could handle it, but my 46-year track record speaks for itself, and I'm hurting and there's just no other way to get rid of it. Therapy and medication hasn't worked, and I don't foresee myself waking up one day and suddenly feel like becoming a free spirit and doing anything I want. If I lose my full-time status and pension from my job, I'm really screwed. But anyway, back to the point. I'm going to a place I've been meaning to return to for over a decade -- only for it's natural beauty. It seems apropos somehow. I might do a few things while I'm there, but if I can manage it I'm never coming back. I wish things could have turned out different, and I know this is the first day of the rest of my life and I can start anew and all that, but I just don't see the ability in me to be assertive and disciplined enough to do all it would take to be happy or even content. At least my final wish may come true, and in a beautiful place. I don't hear any reservations on God's part, so this just feels like the right thing to do. If someone can give me a better, realistic alternative to escaping the pain of my failure, my family, my passiveness at my menial job, then by all means I'm all ears. I just don't see one. Yeah, maybe I can't "see it now", and I'm not doubting that there could be an alternative. But I've been saying that to myself for all my life. If there's something I haven't seen by now, then I'm not going to see it. Am I giving up? Yes, of course, that's the whole point of this thread. "Taking the easy way out?" "Give it a few days?" No. Too bad. Sorry. Not this time.
  9. calvinandhobbs

    calvinandhobbs Well-Known Member

    Where are you going that is so beautiful?
  10. NorthSouth

    NorthSouth Active Member

    That is totally irrelevant. Do you think I'd mention it anyway? Besides, I'm not sure I can make it to the end of September. I have nothing left to live for and I can't deal with the pain. I need to go soon. I thought the trip might give me a boost to do it. But I just --- I just need to die. That's it. I just wanted to get away from here first. Literally leave everything behind so I could then feel comfortable to do so figuratively. God. God. God. Kill me. Please...
  11. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Staff Member Safety & Support

    I think it is a good idea to have this vacation, but not as a permanent one of course. I do hope that you make it back.

    You sound as if you don't do much in life just for you, so I think this getaway can be a nice break. Maybe make a list of things you would like to do there. So you can enjoy it after waiting for ten years or so to go. Sometimes being in a totally different environment can have deep (or even some) positive impact on our mental state and I hope it will give you even a few more months worth of energy to keep fighting.
    You say you don't foresee one day becoming a free spirit, but we don't know what or how you will be in the future.

    Also, you still have your full time status and pension, so you know all is not completely lost or 'screwed'. I'm not sure why you feel like a failure, but in respect of your job, I want to tell you that everything counts: even the 'menial' jobs, everything plays a part in the universe.

    A break is a great idea that I support; I hope to have you tell me about your trip and the sites you visited or things you did.
  12. NorthSouth

    NorthSouth Active Member

    I don't know. The last time I went on vacation by myself I felt alone, bored and trapped in what was supposed to be a singles resort. I vowed I wouldn't travel again unless I went with someone else, but that's not going to happen. So if I take this trip, it will be to end the madness.
  13. Disconnected

    Disconnected Member

    I can really relate to you.. I wish I could say anything that would make you feel better

    Maybe you can try having a pet that needs some investement, like a dog, a hawk or something else. (I always wanted a hawk, but I have no time for that right now)

    Or another kind of hobby. A sport, like swimming or something, ride a bike, play chess, games,... Maybe you'll meet new people that enjoy the same things as you do.

    It also doesn't need to be recreational, maybe you can become an activist for something you believe in. I know it's hard to be motivated anymore but I hope you can find something you really enjoy.
    AlexiMarie7 likes this.
  14. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Staff Member Safety & Support

    Please don't go into the vacation even considering or contemplating that kind of negative outcome; I forbid it! :) I know how it is when you travel alone, that it can sometimes be lonely. You can be in luxurious settings but feel trapped as you said, and bawling your eyes out--ok maybe that's just me, but been there done that.
    I do know also though that it IS possible to travel solo and have a wonderful or at least decent time. Try to research things you want to do when you get there. Make a list of places to go, things to see, food/restaurants to try, local activities which may be even easier to force yourself to join in since you may not have to see anyone again so you can just BE anyone you want to be.

    But please make a list of some sorts, and plan to keep yourself busy and active while there, and enjoy it. Maybe take some pictures also.

    And I will be waiting to hear all about your trip.
    Disconnected likes this.
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