Hopeless and sad

#1
I am at the end of my rope and absolutely hopeless and sad. I cannot handle the increased sound and vibration coming from the lumber mill beside my home. I am on a permanent disability (so I am poor) and cannot find anywhere else.
We bought this house b4 I was injured to fix up and sell and I got trapped here after my injury 10 yrs ago. This year the noise has increased to the point I wear ear protection inside 24 hrs a day and cannot even be outside in the yard.
We have looked and looked at houses, trailers anything. Truth is I already live in the worst low value location- there is no where else to go. My husband says that I am ungrateful and would be living in a tent if it wasn't for him and I guess he is right bc I am ungrateful bc I hate it here.
Anyways I am pursuing MAID, medical assistance in dying bc I cannot cope at all anymore. I have Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, aka Complex regional pain syndrome type 1, and part of this disorder is sensitivity to noise and vibration ( nervous system disorder) w physical findings ie, I have bone marrow edema(swelling) on MRI in my injured foot, its shrunken and twisted inward also.
I have struggled with black days and isolation for years but not until this year am I truly hopeless for the first time. My Dr has given me more drugs to try first but honestly sedating anti depressants aren't changing my living situation now are they.
My husband surely hates me by now bc I have crying punching the wall breakdowns hurting my knuckles so much I can't use my hands for days, on the regular now. I feel that he will be better off without me and my insanity.
He agrees that there has been a large increase in noise over there but he doesn't want to sell and we are both on the house papers, (I can't sell without him). My husband is 65 w only gov pension no savings etc, I am 53 and was a Nurse b4 I became a nothing.
Like, he is not wrong that a mouldy single wide would be the best we could do and now we have an actual house on over a half acre, but I'm still left with he would rather I kms then have to move.
Forgive me for rambling, I have absolutely no one in my life except my husband who is tired of hearing it. I have tried some therapy, however I've discovered that they will drop you as a client if you want to talk about SI. Not Helpful ffs, as said poor, so can't just keep trying and being rejected by therapists just on a monetary basis nevermind how great great great it is to reach out for help and be told you and your problems are too much to handle.
Ramble over, thank you to anyone who actually read this 🙏
 

iloverachel

No longer suicidal after 8 years of depression
#2
Hello and welcome to this forum my friend. I am sorry that you feel so hopeless, sad and going through isolation and financial trouble. It seems very tough what you are going through.

I wish you the very best. Always feel free to vent to us because we are listening.

I hope you are able to turn your situation around my friend keep us updated
 

SamB

SF Supporter
#4
Welcome,
Unwelcome noise and disturbance must be terrible, I can understand why you feel you can’t escape.
On a practical level it doesn’t seem that moving is an option and that the noise isn’t going to stop. It might not be suitable but have you tried noise cancelling headphones and listening to music, radio or television?
 
#5
Hi there, thank you. I wear noise cancelling headphones during the day and sleep with ear plugs. I need 24 hrs ear protection Inside my house. This noise increase happened over winter and I lost 15 lbs w not being able to sleep or eat until I got the headphones. Both headphones on w music while wearing the earplugs won't stop the noise outside tho. 😞
I've always had a big garden, and I go out to water like that. Next yr there will be nothing bc a can't handle it and breakdown crying and punching after I come inside. It's so over stimulating.
I'm having real trouble w hygeine right now bc the bathroom is the noisiest room and I have to take out/off ear protection to wash.
 

seabird

meandering home
SF Supporter
#6
Welcome to SF.

I am sorry to read of your sadness and the ongoing torment of noise. It's too much to deal with, certainly understandable. I wish things could be changed for you rather than choosing medically assisted dying. Especially concerning that your husband doesn't see a way to move. Could you possibly find a counselor or therapist or legal advocate who could help convince him to sell your propery and move? From what I understand, all land is quite valuable now.

Sending love.

- s
 
#7
I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's hard to imagine a worse place for someone who has a noise sensitivity to live than right next to a saw mill.

I could try to make some suggestions if you'd like, but it's also ok if you don't want that.

Are you living in the United States?
 
#8
I've not had much luck on the therapists side. I've been both laughed at and yelled at, by 2 different ones for the audacity of bringing up an environmental factor which the therapist does not control. I've also been let go as a client for being ' too much' for them to handle. It's very difficult to find one that is ok with you bringing up si. They seemingly only want to talk to people w lighter problems. Sigh. I don't blame them, I can't find a solution either, why should they be able to honestly.
 
#10
You may want to try calling 211 and explaining the situation. They can help with a number of issues, but housing is one of them.

My understanding is that housing is very tight in Canada now, and it's especially tight if you've got low income, but 211 might still offer some options.

Just as a source of short term relief, now that it's Summer time, staying in a tent even for a few days might help.

Since neither you nor your husband are working right now, it sounds like in principle you could live anywhere in Canada, and hopefully there will be at least some place that would be a step up from where you are now.

Would you be able to live internationally and still collect benefits?
 
#11
I wonder if spending some time in a homeless shelter for women would be an option. I guess much depends on the conditions of the shelter, and if it would be significantly less noisy.

Going there might help to reinforce the idea with your husband that the status quo is not an acceptable option. Maybe he'd be more willing to move.

There may be limits to what noise mitigation the mill would be willing or able to provide, but if they at least know it's a problem, they might be willing to apply some effort.
 
#14
Thank you for your suggestions.
We have considered moving to other parts of Canada but are so low income that it's Impossible to actually go to another province to physically look around. Let alone internationally.
I very much want to flee and camp out but husband does not. I can't feel safe as a female alone overnight in a tent. There has been a large increase in these types of assaults the last few yrs with our countries demographic changes. I also have history of that happening and am too scared.
I have considered taking the car somewhere and camping out of that up some nowhere logging road. Campgrounds are expensive here and mostly booked up 3 months on advance. The 100 degree weather is not so good for that right now tho.
 
#17
It's safe here to bring up heavy problems.

Therapists should (quote unquote) be listed into categories so we know ahead of time which ones can and will handle the intense issues.
If I could change one thing about therapists it would be this.
I'm a bit burnt from my last experiences but if/when I try to find one again I will be asking up front b4 the first session if they can handle talk about si.
I would advise others to do the same. Be careful not to get flagged and sent to hospital against your will tho. Never say you have an actual plan unless of course it's a gov approved one, then it's ok they can't commit you for gov approved programs.
 
#18
I wonder if spending some time in a homeless shelter for women would be an option. I guess much depends on the conditions of the shelter, and if it would be significantly less noisy.

Going there might help to reinforce the idea with your husband that the status quo is not an acceptable option. Maybe he'd be more willing to move.

There may be limits to what noise mitigation the mill would be willing or able to provide, but if they at least know it's a problem, they might be willing to apply some effort.
We have met with the mill supervisor once already. The best we got was that it is difficult for them (the mill) being in a residential neighborhood. Lol 🙄
Shelters here are for sleeping only, you must be out in early AM not to return until PM unless you have young children w you. Not ideal for sure, but not something I had thought of.
 
#19
I wonder if you could go to a shelter at night and then go to a public library during the day, or some other relatively quiet public space.

There are some countries where housing is so plentiful and cheap, you'd be able to go there first, stay in a hotel (also super cheap), and then find housing when you got around to it. Much depends on whether you'd be allowed to collect benefits internationally. There's also the issue of transportation to get to an international location, which is not a necessarily a huge expense, but still an obstacle if you've got very little money.
 
#20
I wonder if you could go to a shelter at night and then go to a public library during the day, or some other relatively quiet public space.

There are some countries where housing is so plentiful and cheap, you'd be able to go there first, stay in a hotel (also super cheap), and then find housing when you got around to it. Much depends on whether you'd be allowed to collect benefits internationally. There's also the issue of transportation to get to an international location, which is not a necessarily a huge expense, but still an obstacle if you've got very little money.
Where is this cheap and plentiful housing please? No sarc, I am truly interested.

I have other issues such as needing to have a Dr wherever I went. My disability forms have to be filled out and sent by a Dr every year to continue to receive payments.

I actually have a very good Dr here who gives me treatments every 6 weeks ( dry needling) to help with my painful twisted inward foot.

It is now rare for anyone to even have a Dr in Canada let alone a good one.
I have alot of fear of losing my income and what mobility I have w possibly moving and not being able to get a Dr.
This only increases my confusion and frustration w this whole situation 😞
 

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