Hopeless and worthless- also very depressed

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by FireBird, Jun 2, 2008.

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  1. FireBird

    FireBird Well-Known Member

    I am worthless and have absolutely no future. I am nothing but a starving artist and my brother is great in every way. I want to cry but I can't. I live on Social Security and I am scared I will live in poverty for the rest of my life and my Almighty brother will make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. I know people like my art but it brings no money. I am a burden on my family and the world. The government put chips in me to control my movements and thoughts and I get severe thought insertion as a response. I really want to cut the chips out because they contain tiny machines that will destroy my insides. My psychiatrist doesn't care and I think he wants me to die. When I told him about the self harm and wanting to get the chips out of my arms and legs (can't do the one in my brain) all he cared about was me drinking pop. Nothing else. He didn't care that I am in immediate danger or anything. There was a time where I was very suicidal and he still didn't care. I am beginning to get suicidal but won't do anything until after the cruise. Aliens are after me too, they told me that they will invade and then capture me because I am special to them. I have a crappy business that is a waste of money. No one ever buys anything because they know its from someone who is worthless and doesn't deserve a future. I am 25 years old and have no job, no real school (just art classes), makes no money outside of the Social Security, and I still live with my parents. I take my pills but they do more harm than good. Nothing will ever get better for my family. Just worse. The gas prices are my fault. There will be a Great Depression because I am severely depressed. No one believes the words that are coming out of my mouth. There have been jerks that should go you know where that basically accused me of faking it. Those doctors should be fired. I really feel like killing myself in front of them and say the words, "Does this look like I'm faking it?" It is because I smile and laugh while being depressed. I can't show a sad face if my life depended on it. That is why no one takes me seriously. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't just keep on suffering like this. Every year it gets worse. I went into the hospital a few days ago and the person who interviewed me also didn't take me seriously and just sent me home. Everyone is out to get me. Not just a few people but the entire universe! I am fat and ugly from the pills. So, what do I do?
     
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    it sounds like you have lost all respect for your psychiatrist. is there someone else you could see? might there be other people who could help you through this difficult time? after the hospital interview did they mention about a crisis team getting in touch? i also get in trouble for laughing and joking... they say "this isn't a laughing matter" but even though i've lost so much, i won't lose my sense of humour.

    the world needs more artists. please don't give up.
     
  3. Kassus

    Kassus Active Member

    Look, I've been there, and even though I'm in my own crisis, I think I should try to help.

    1.Think about how much losing you will hurt your family. Trust me they do love you, even if they don't show it.
    2.Its not better on the other side....I've been there...twice
    3.The world does need more artists. So live on and prosper. As long as you keep going you will.
    4.Keep your spirits up, It will get better.
     
  4. LostMyMind

    LostMyMind Well-Known Member

    Have you been diagnosed with schizophrenia? This sounds like some of the delusions I use to have. That is all it is, a delusion, there isn't any chips.
     
  5. LostMyMind

    LostMyMind Well-Known Member

    By the way, I am in the same boat. I'm on disability, no job, no education really, I'm 26 years old and live with my mother. I also think my pills are causing harm, they say anti-psychotics are really bad for your mind. I'm also fat and ugly, mainly from the pills I take. I'm not sure what to say, just thought you may want to know that your situation is similar to others, mine especially.
     
  6. FireBird

    FireBird Well-Known Member

    Yes, I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder but I don't agree with it at all. I really want to switch psychiatrists to one who cares. I would prefer a female because sometimes they have more feelings. I am female and I feel more comfortable with a female. I have tried calling hundreds of psychiatrists in the area and none are taking new patients, they work for a big group where you have to go through a long process just to see him or her, or they are only seeing inpatients. I am also searching for one who specializes in autism because I have autism. I believe my current diagnosis should be either bipolar 2 without psychotic features or major depressive disorder severe without psychotic features. I really don't hear audible voices, I just get thought insertion. Psychotic people hear voices all day and scream at them. Each time I have a major depressive episode it gets worse and more bizarre. I have been cutting to try to get the chips out but not deep enough yet. The government threatens, "We will kill you before the cruise!" I really want to live at least until the cruise but if the depression gets worse after, then I might consider suicide. I can't go to the hospital now just in case they keep me over a month (therefore missing the cruise, making me even worse). I have busy days coming up so hopefully that helps me.
     
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