hopeless, but moving along for now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LightInTheDarkestNight, Jul 3, 2008.

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  1. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    Before my vacation I actually felt human.. I was making by Working out playing, video games, watching TV, Eating, going out the odd weekend. Taking dexedrin 6 or7 mg pills before I worked out with cardio (every other day) smoking weed 2 sometimes 3 times a day. Anxiety was starting to get managable my family thought I had BDD . But I don't since when I look worse I feel worse so its a direction relation to reality no distortion

    I don't have much for friends only 1 real friend who I talk to consitently and go out with 1once a month sometimes more.He's a good guy although he tells me he'll call me back later that night and never does quite often.. I got rid of my cell phone after doing crack and being told to meet in the Alley I thought people were out to get me(this was in 05), the last time I touched that stuff.. and the burning feeling on my upper lips was herpes or something else and I would transfer it to people and they would hate me) Well I did have herpes but that wasn't the burning feeling something else..
    There are girls I talk to on MSN and what not but I wouldn't consider them my friends.. I was starting to feel better about my looks etc, more confident..

    I've never had a real job.. no GF to speak of for over 4 years. One girl truly loved me many years ago but I screwed that up big time.. I was all paranoid about her cheating due to my own insecuritys and what not maybe I was just a man whore by nature as well.. I cheated on her there was a tape when she asked I felt guilty and told her she wanted to see it.. Well she had issues to begin with cutting/bulimia.. well this wasn't good she started hearing voices and had to go in the hopsital.. I feel very guilty she has PSTD at the same time I can't blame myself too much since.. This was 5 years ago, I won't talk to her again because of PSTD, as I am a trigger.. I actually loved her but I was a big mess

    I was having this burning feeling above my upper lip before I went on my last vacatiion way back christmas 05 well the heat and everything made it worse. T3's barely did anything.. I wasn't sure what was wrong a was given high doses of vitamin A which made my lips peel, they still peel to this day, although I made it worse with an aromotise inhibitor.. My liver is very screwed when I take vitamins my lips get extra worse a sign of cirrhosis.I was on antibiotics and I the filings from my chipped two front teeth removed(I got them put on there around when the irriation started) and the burning sensation went away.

    I've dealt with Horrible allergies I had to get sinus surgery and get allergy shots.. the blowing and what not even irritated my dad .. and he wasn't even experiencing the inability to breath and the misery associated with feeling that bad.. Surgery was at the start of 07, got my shots a few months later..

    Well by june I I got a bunch of cold sores new ones would pup up before the others would heal.. Thank to no AC in my house and it being 35 degrees celcius for a few weeks inside.. You can still still redness that hasn't faded from that time peroid. small red dots that almost connect in a line below the right side of my bottom lip pretty gross looking ..

    I had been some prohormones which gave me extra estrogen It ook an aromatise inhibitor to lose the estrogen get rid of a bit of man boobs well.. this made my lips even worse .. this thick peel etc.. This is around the time when I reconnected with my only friend around september/october of last year..

    Well I tapered down the AI, I was on other stuff to increase my natural hormones called PCT... I took some pill this guy told me was ecstasy after hanging out with these girls, it was something else made me trip out real bad and have a cold sore.. when I developed perioral dermatitis / acne around my mouth ..or something along those lines.. This is around when I first joined feeling really horrible about my looks and m skin how bad it looked.. Looking in the mirror wanting to kill myself etc.. Antibiotics and this other cream elidel were helping I got mostly better within a few weeks..

    Well so now I go on vacation May 17th it was all going fairly well. Tuesday I had met 1 guy the night before i said what's up boy's to a group of guys.. 1 guy said something about getting punched out I thought he said you look like you got punched out one too many times.. I am really sensitive about my looks etc(slightly crooked nose from surgery many years back) I walked away came back said what's up asked where they were from then wandered off.. In a bad mood to say the least. I was alone for almost all of this vacation as well and stopped dexedrin about 10 days before and quit weed just before leaving. I went back to my mom's room and told her about that she was no one would ever say something like that etc.. which made me mad we got a bit loud argued I said somethng about getting a gun going to where he lived( a small town) which was a really stupid thing to say, I wouldn't ever go after anyone like that especially for something so little.. Well the guy was staying in a room close by with a bunch of families his and some others.. I went back to the main bar had a couple drinks went up to the disco some teenage mexican girl grabbed me to dance I did it for 1 song, wasn't feeling good then they were doing some line dancing which I felt really awkward doing so I walked away, one of the workers there was like are you sure u don't want to party.. I had a day trip the next morning pretty early so I went to my room for a bit tried to sleep I coulnd't I came back and the girl was crying I tried to talk to her a bit but she disappreared onto the dance floor.. So i went to my room I couldn't stop worrying my heart was pounding for almost 2 hours before I got to sleep..

    Well the next morning I went on that day trip.. below my lower lip was feeling extremtly bad.. this intense irritation.. which still botheres me to this day not as severe but it's still very itch/ burning irritating.. I'm not sure if it's a skin parasite since my immunsystem is comprised or an allergy to this filling I had back last fall since I was having some irritation before but nothing really noticeable .. Carmex lip balm was causing me to flare up there etc..

    At this point in time I determined that people were out to kill me weird things were happening.. I wasn't sure if that girl was the daughter of a mexican mafia member, or north american was affliated with illegal crime somehow.. and was willing to pay to get me taken care of

    This one gayish worker there who called me G before started asking my name where I was from etc.. Which seemed sligtly suspicious.. I saw one mexican guy make a punching motion to his son and point at me... I avoided going to the disco with this other girl who worker there, I was all worked out being killed feeling that horrible irritation.. Thursday morning one of the workers in the main restuarant left he came back with a cup, he made a chicken noise and looked up as he walked by my table for a secondd I thought he put something on my food.. IE he was calling me a chickenshit... Through all my skin irriation and worrying about being killed, I tried to go to the beach and try to enjoy myslef which was an impossible task.. There was also this larger man who would make fun of everyone he made alot of comments towards me as well.. I saw one man he was with make a chicken like motion with his arms whil elooking at me.. at the adult pool I heard that guy who said something about knocking me out talking to this mexican girl about that fag over there drinking his water.. I told my mom(that sounds pretty lame but I wanted to express my feelings it was me her, my bro his gf, and 2 other relatives who were on there own) that he was the guy who said that the other night.. She threw her arms up and was like >>>>> no one would ever say anything like that.. When I knew he said it.. That guy who said the intial thing about knocking me out or whatever..

    At dinner I heard my family talk about this one guy's wife and they were she's gorgeous but she probably has implants( they were right behind us and heard) then I heard the one guy say they think Buddy's crazy refering to me how they didn't believe me that people were mentioning those things.. So now they think I'm crazy great.. Then I was in the washroom at the main restuarant the next morning that guy who said the knocking out thing and calling me a fag or whatever.. was talking to a mexican band member and he said something about knocking me out in the washroom.. Well throughout this whole time I was feeling extremely irritated.. I felt like shit physically and mentaly.. after some of the show I heard someone behind the curtain making chicken noises.. The staff were the only ones nice to me and that one guy seemed suspicious.. like he asked when I was leaving and I saw him making a motion with 2 fingers moving up in the air .. he said he knew sign language I told him I was leaving in 2 days... The security peoople there looked like they were watching me when I left the beach party early with my mom I saw 1 guy go on the radio and say something.. They started doing work on the rooms around me etc.. The last night before I left I smiled at some younger girl thinking it was the one from the night who cried (i felt bad it was dark I couldn't see) well after the show a bunch of younger kids bereated me asking me about my muscles wanting to armwrestle take pictures and what not.. I liked the attention to some degree the girls were 14 and 15 with one being older watching over them my age.. Well I danced for a bit when they were leaving I left with them being paranoid about going back on my own .. one girl was like will you kiss her on the cheeck then a peck on the lips..

    Ok enough of that story I came back feeling like hell physically and thinking my worry of people being out to get me would go away well guess what it didn't... I came home cried a bit when my brother said how hard my dad had it home working while we were on vacation.. Smoked some weed and went totally paranoid connecting how that guy asked me about my name where I'm from etc after those confrontations and how rude, suspicous everyone seemed.. If they were out to get me I was able to avoid it.. Then I thought they were trying to make me look like I liked younger kids, who knows maybe that girl wasn't 15.. mostly likely I was just being paranoid but u never know.. maybe justify themselves even more being out to get me.. They had my pics my name and location they could go on my facebook etc , find where I lived.

    So yea I got on some antibiotics which have helped a some ut I still feel this itching/burning feeling I'm not sure what it is I'm going to try and figure it out on my own. I met some girls online who kept asking me to come over quite late like after 1 or 2 am..one in her msn status"chuck norris never sleeps he wait's" catching them in lies etc..

    So almost 3 weeks ago I was starting to feel better, my friend came over with this girl we had some drinks then went out to the club I got pretty wasted.. well this one girl talked some shit and said I tried to rape her friend on my bday ( I know I would never try anything like that) I heard this before actualy since I gave her hickeys and what not and just left when my buddy came in.. I was starving for food.. sure I suggested sex was being a bit aggresive as we spooned but not forceful like that.. Well that got me angry so I just left..( stupid Idead I was planning on taking a cab home) I ended up crashing getting a DUI I was talking about suicide in the emegency before they let me go.. I called my dad who's a lawyer.. I was pissed I didn't have my phone to call anyone or my wallet to pay for a cab so when I was leaving in the parking lot like 15 yards outside I walked in the way of a car it just so happenend a security car( they didn't hit me).. well they took me down pretty hard had the handcuffs on really tight I was rambling shit about suicide and just kill me now yada yada.. Well they locked me in this tiny room with blinds that wouldn't close it was getting light out I had no sleep.. My nose was red from the airbag black eye cuts and srapes all over the right side of my face from being taken down.. My lips were extremely gross since they peel normally let alone from all the alcohol I had in me, and the physical truama.. not that bad but still. But hey at least they gave me sandwiches and water..

    I was told I would be able to leave at noon or evenbefore that.. Well I couldn't get any sleep being locked up like with light shining right in.. This lady finally came in I told her my life story in short and how I had been having those paranoid thoughts(maybe someone was out to get me who knows not too likely, anythings possible in this crazy world).. Well a pychairtrist came in and told me plans had changed they were admitting me into the psych ward.. based on 2 doctors orders, against my will of course..

    Being in there was horrible I couldn't work out or follow my Diet which are the only 2 things I get some enjoyment out of ATM well some tv and movie if I'm not focusing on how I feel pyhically , liqour can help there.. This one guy would go into these hysterical laughing fits when he saw me, I felt extremely allergic the sides of my nose were horrible, and the side of my mouth was way worse then it is now.. I wasn't allowed on my medicine(antibiotics) for a few days which isn't very good to say the least.. I was totally lacking sleep actually getting paranoid and extremely anxious about some people in there.. There was this one lady who was very nice, and this other guy who It alked alot with despite feeling my physical/ and emotional ailments.. I lied and said I wasn't paranoid and they let me out. ATM I can be sligtly paranoid at times but I'd say it's mostly gone..

    Right now I'm more worried about my physical well being, oh yea I also ended up hooking up with that girl who my buddy brought over, about 10 days ago, and now I'm fairly certain she gave me genital herpes :sad:. She didn't tell me about it, and why didn't I use a condom I'm not sure.

    I'm just a miserable person at this point with almost 0 joy from life, maybe I'm living a tragedy or I've got really bad karma.. who knows I'm not sure karma exists theres people like OJ who kill their wife and ron goldman and still are free and have just about every luxury a cute GF, and what not while others do no wrong and have the world screw them in every way( I know I'm far from this category but still)..
  2. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    As I write below my lips and the sides of my mouth are starting to feel really irritated, I'm not sure how much I can take... I'm giving myself a 2-3 more months to start getting some enjoyment from life..

    I'm a burden to those around me and to be honest no one would really miss me.. I'm nothing but an utter failure. I've had every oppurtunity, no "real" family problems, parents who gave me the world and I just f'd everything up.. They would/will pay for any education I want, yet I haven't even finished high school. I'm fairly certain everyone despises me even my own family to some degree for this very reason.. I could have easily been somebody, with a happy productive life but I choose otherwise and It may be too little too late at this point..

    It reminds me of the movie bruce almighty in which god tells his wife that you aren't just given emotions or whatever he says, you're given the oppurtunity to have them and well.. It's quite true..

    thanks for reading this I know it's extremely long.. Sorry It's pretty ranting and alot of it may seem irrelavant.. it's so long I had to split it up

    -2fargone, narcissus
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