Hopeless, Suicidal, Never Ending

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jenny, Sep 21, 2014.

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  1. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    I was on this forum soon after it first opened, and I used to moderate etc. I used to reply to people with the whole kindness, support etc. with this inner thought and genuine belief that things can get better. I didn't lie in my replies, I genuinely believed what I was saying.

    Yet 10 (?) years on, nothing in my life has changed. It's not for lack of trying. I've tried hard in relationships. I've been in counselling and more recently, in therapy. I've held down jobs and worked damn hard in them. I've joined and given my all to some hobbies such as a choir, where I could meet people, make friends etc. But when all is said and done, I'm still in the same shit I found myself in all those years ago when I searched 'suicide forum' on the internet.

    Sure, I've moved house since then, moved jobs, and some other material things have changed. But *I* am still the same. I'm still deeply unhappy. Deeply ashamed of who I am.






    I've found myself <mod edit - method> and chickening out at the last minute. This weekend I'm living on diazepam just to get through. I feel like I just cannot go on. I am incredibly jealous of everyone, yes I mean everyone. People are thinner than me. People have girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, wives. People have babies, children, families. I am UNABLE to have any of this. I have tried to have relationships but I cannot do them, for one reason or another I cannot. I hate myself. I hate myself. I will never have a partner. I will never be 'normal' and have a family. And there's no use in living day by day. Because even if I get through a day, tomorrow is another struggle. I've lived 'day by day' for over 10 years. And all it's got me is older.

    I'm deeply unhappy. I'm still in therapy but what is the point. I work in mental health, which is the irony of my whole life. All I'm compassionate about is mental health. But now I work there I want out. I want out.

    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 21, 2014
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Jenny :hug: I am sorry for the pain you feel and the hopelessness of always ending back in the pit of depression. Have there been periods in the last ten years when you have felt in any way better? I hope the answer is yes and I hope that underneath the blackness you can see that things are not always this bad - that there is always a way up and out of the pit. I know it is hard to climb out time and again, but things are not hopeless.

    Please stay safe :hug:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Jenny sorry you are in such deep darkness and for the sadness that you feel. Mental health career can be very rewarding but if you are not well your self it can very draining on you.
    I do hope you continue to talk to here let go of some of the sadness There is always hope but you know that it is not always in sight when we need it the most but it is there
    Maybe coming here you won't feel so alone ok you deserve the same kindness you have shown to others be gentle with you ok I know that self hatred i really do but try ok to be kind to you hugs
  4. rocknrollsuicide

    rocknrollsuicide Well-Known Member

    Oh I so understand you Jenny, even though I don't know you....

    It's been 7 years since I first signed here yet I am still me, coming back here.
    One kick in the butt after the other, but it's still me.

    What is the point in all this?
  5. stapleremover

    stapleremover Chat Buddy

    Hey Jenny. I'm so sorry to hear that you're having a hard time. I'm very new to this forum, less than a week, and it had never even occurred to me to look for anything like this before...but in the aftermath of two failed attempts recently, I wondered if there was anyone else I could talk to.

    I wish I had an answer for you...I wish I had an answer for myself and everybody else here. But if nothing else, please know that you're not alone in your struggle.

    I do love how much this site has already given me a place to read, post, and most importantly of all have a laugh. The chat room is wonderful and has helped me get miles away from the loneliness that is such a big part of my own black pit.

    Hang in there.
  6. fosty

    fosty Well-Known Member

    So sad to hear you say you hate yourself. It sounds like you believe you are unworthy of love. I don't know if that's true but I understand it. I'm often told that every being is equally as deserving of love as any other. It's really believing it that's the trick. Maybe if you say it yourself every day 'I am worthy' you'll start to believe it
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