On the 23rd of May it will be two years since my mum killed herself and 5 months and 2 day since my dad lost his battle with cancer. I don't know that I can make it through another anniversary. I know it's just another day but it's also a reminder of how long I've felt this bad, and how little the feelings have changed. I thought I felt bad before she died but since then I've felt completely hopeless and losing my dad just added to that. Atleast when I was depressed before this happened I could tell myself life hadn't been that bad, I just felt bad and I just had to wait for it to get better. Now I know the things that make me feel bad arn't going away. I won't feel better and I will never have my parents back. Theres a whole lot of guilt I need to get rid of and a whole lot of pain I can't stand. I see a therapist and I know the dbt skills but I don't see the point. I don't want to pretend things are alright when i hurt so much. I don't want to keep putting stress on my partner. I don't want to feel so weighed down no matter how happy or enjoyable something is. I want to hurt physically then I want everything to stop. Sometimes I think if I did it on the 23rd it would be easier for my family. Keep it to one day of mourning... I don't want to make it to that day. I never want the sun to rise.