I thought it was getting better. It's supposed to be better. Considering that I do sports now and have friends that I hang out with and i'm learning a new instrument. that's all supposed to help, right? And I have better moments, when I completely forget about all this. That's good too, right? Even though the more time I spend pushing the depression and dark thoughts and feelings away, the more I feel like I'm completely losing myself. I mean, I have nothing to hold onto anymore. First, I had my best friend as an anchor, but I kinda drifted away from here. We moved a while back and it was eventually going to happen, considering we just contacted over the internet. We barely talk anymore. Then, I would do written roleplays with people (like write stories). I literally had to be online at 7 o'clock for about 2 hours so I could roleplay or else I'd get this panicked feeling. That died too. I still roleplay a bit but it doesn't mean nearly as much as it used to. After that I got into writing sad stories and poems. That held me for a while. Cutting joined that and took over. I got addicted to it. I would sometimes feel like I'm shaking and panicking and when I cut, I could fall asleep soundly after that. I can't write anything properly anymore though. And cutting doesn't mean anything anymore to me. I still do it. But there's no immense craving nor am I ever going to rely on it again. I actually feel like cutting right now because it really does help often. But I'm too tired of life to clean up the wound and hide it and too tired to take the yelling and stress I would get for it from family and friends. I'm wary of relying on people or things. And right now, everything seems useless. I think it's just another phase and I hope it will be over any day soon because it's been dragging on a while. But like, everything is distasteful right now. Even movies and books. I live off stories. I basically live to drown myself in movies and stories because it's like being in a different place and I don't like it right here. But I can't stand the thought of this world right now, or humans. If this were a planet with only animals, I would be alright but not here, not like this, not now. I have no will to tend to my basic needs. It's not that I'm lazy, life is just really irritating me. I don't want to live. I don't want to get up in the mornings, eat, drink, do stuff, relax, have fun, or anything. I don't want anything. I just want the nothingness. I don't like the thought of death like I used to. I just want to disappear. Close my eyes and be gone. I can't think straight at the moment. I can't do school work and my grades are sinking. I really just don't want any of this anymore. No thought, not the most beautiful thought, nor the thought of my beloved dog sounds good. Everything just sucks. Literally. I don't want to grow up. I don't even wish to go back in time to be a carefree kid again. My life up till about 9 years was amazing. just brilliant. I loved the whole world, I loved my family, my friends, I didn't have enemies. I was truly, truly happy and I knew it. So, I can let go now, right? I've lived my life. I've been ready to go for such a long time. Why do I need to live for someone else? I try. I tell myself it's going to be alright. But that's just words repeating in my head. I'm not convinced of it. There's nothing to proove that it will be alright.