Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by scarlettdrknss, Jan 8, 2013.

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  1. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    I thought it was getting better. It's supposed to be better. Considering that I do sports now and have friends that I hang out with and i'm learning a new instrument. that's all supposed to help, right?

    And I have better moments, when I completely forget about all this. That's good too, right? Even though the more time I spend pushing the depression and dark thoughts and feelings away, the more I feel like I'm completely losing myself.

    I mean, I have nothing to hold onto anymore. First, I had my best friend as an anchor, but I kinda drifted away from here. We moved a while back and it was eventually going to happen, considering we just contacted over the internet. We barely talk anymore.
    Then, I would do written roleplays with people (like write stories). I literally had to be online at 7 o'clock for about 2 hours so I could roleplay or else I'd get this panicked feeling. That died too. I still roleplay a bit but it doesn't mean nearly as much as it used to.
    After that I got into writing sad stories and poems. That held me for a while.
    Cutting joined that and took over. I got addicted to it. I would sometimes feel like I'm shaking and panicking and when I cut, I could fall asleep soundly after that.
    I can't write anything properly anymore though. And cutting doesn't mean anything anymore to me. I still do it. But there's no immense craving nor am I ever going to rely on it again. I actually feel like cutting right now because it really does help often. But I'm too tired of life to clean up the wound and hide it and too tired to take the yelling and stress I would get for it from family and friends.

    I'm wary of relying on people or things. And right now, everything seems useless. I think it's just another phase and I hope it will be over any day soon because it's been dragging on a while. But like, everything is distasteful right now. Even movies and books. I live off stories. I basically live to drown myself in movies and stories because it's like being in a different place and I don't like it right here.

    But I can't stand the thought of this world right now, or humans. If this were a planet with only animals, I would be alright but not here, not like this, not now. I have no will to tend to my basic needs. It's not that I'm lazy, life is just really irritating me. I don't want to live. I don't want to get up in the mornings, eat, drink, do stuff, relax, have fun, or anything. I don't want anything. I just want the nothingness. I don't like the thought of death like I used to. I just want to disappear. Close my eyes and be gone.

    I can't think straight at the moment. I can't do school work and my grades are sinking. I really just don't want any of this anymore. No thought, not the most beautiful thought, nor the thought of my beloved dog sounds good. Everything just sucks. Literally. I don't want to grow up. I don't even wish to go back in time to be a carefree kid again. My life up till about 9 years was amazing. just brilliant. I loved the whole world, I loved my family, my friends, I didn't have enemies. I was truly, truly happy and I knew it. So, I can let go now, right? I've lived my life. I've been ready to go for such a long time. Why do I need to live for someone else?

    I try. I tell myself it's going to be alright. But that's just words repeating in my head. I'm not convinced of it. There's nothing to proove that it will be alright.
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Can you take a break, a holiday or does education make that impossible?
    Keep writing, that is an excellent outlet. Maybe try a new style of writing? Say a play?
  3. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    i actually just came back home from vacation a few days ago... i wish i hadn't
    i don't think i could be able to write a play haha, but i might just try, thx for the suggestion!
  4. These are questions which may be significant for you to ask :

    A . Do you have the perception that life is supposed to be easy , difficult , or random ?

    B . Do you think there is something wrong with you ?

    C . If you believe there really is something wrong with you , then what would your life look like if it was right instead ?

    I can and could relate to much of what you state here . I recommend immersing yourself in the Animal Kingdom , as you say would be " alright " . I would imagine there are channels you can get like some kind of National Geographic and others like Animal Planet , which I advise . Also there are many films and documentaries .

    I can tell you have a very beautiful aspect to you . Those of us with more beauty in our " souls " ( if you will ) tend to suffer on this planet more than the norm . If you want to respond to the questions here that is fine ; otherwise they are for you to personally meditate upon . * hugs * Wishing you well .
  5. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    The more I think about the first question the more unsure about it I am. I think I've had a pretty easy life and i'm happy about that but i think that life actually is about working for something, so I guess random.

    Well, I have been diagnosed with depression and yeah, I do think something's wrong with me.

    My life if everything were alright... then, I guess it would be easier for me to talk to people and would be able to get closer to people and I would actually do what I set my mind on...

    I actually used to watch tons of Animal Planet and National Geographic when I was younger. During vacation, I'd stay up hours watching show after show even as a 6 year old. My cousins would fall asleep at like 12 would wake up a few hours later to find me still wide awake. Me and sleep were never good friends.

    Thanks a lot for the reply though :3
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