I've decided I'm basically a lost cause. it's pretty much all downhill from this point on. boyfriend becomes more intimidating and disgusted with me, i grow smaller and more stifled. no physical abuse, but i've been abused before and get triggered very EASILY. he's doing more than just a few accidental things that might trigger me. He seems very manipulative and unpredictable. I feel like a caged animal waiting to get kicked. i have nowhere else to go right now, no friends to stay with atm. i'm completely alone here aside from him. my counselor is MIA, so it appears even she can't handle me anymore. I've been trying to get in contact with her for almost two weeks and nothing. left a few voicemails, tried to call her through the office several times. i'm starting to wish someone would just lock me up in a ward for a while. but I am afraid of that very thing happening at the same time. I have a job that I obviously can't attend if I am stuck in a hospital. I probably would have killed myself already if my 'boyfriend' hadn't taken away my most effective and convenient weapon. locking it away from me was very upsetting. I understand why he did it, but now i just feel caged. I feel helpless. I can't go anywhere without someone noticing my extremely depressed mood and commenting on it. anyone who makes any comment about me is saying something to the effect of 'downbeat' or gloomy. I am trying to get a job and this demeanor just doesn't work. I don't know how to help it, as I've been lucky just not to cry all day every day and feel I'm doing the best I can to hide it. I'm sick of hiding it and wish I had the guts to just express myself openly, i'm pretty sure if I did I'd get that room with a view I sometimes pine over. Self-injury urges are reaching a summit point where they're nearly impossible to ignore. several hours ago I just started punching myself hard in the stomach. now it hurts just to walk. if this keeps up I think I might really hurt myself. i hate to screw everything up, but after a certain point i just can't handle this hell anymore. Oh, and I can't sleep right at all. nightmares and flashbacks of abuse. paranoia. terriified of being attacked by intruders, people in my past, or just phantom faceless horrors that make no sense in the light of day. i stayed up for 48 hours straight, then slept a while, now I'm repeating the same cycle. It's turning into a pattern. I feel like I'm finally losing my mind and there may be no turning back after this.