Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Ekirkpatrick, Sep 15, 2015.

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  1. Ekirkpatrick

    Ekirkpatrick Member

    I am so unhappy. Some days I can make it, but others, like yesterday, are absolute torture. I am married but I feel so lonely. I have two children but I feel that my husband plays the "good guy." My husband is also the one to do the laundry and dishes... I have it really good, to be honest. I am just extremely depressed. I have bipolar disorder and a few years ago was hospitalized (I take medication regularly now). I think I should go in again but it's really expensive. But I just want to cry all the time. I can't sleep. I know I am not a good person. I don't think I deserve to be on this earth anymore and honestly don't want to be. I work full-time but feel so distracted and I am exhausted. It is a new job (been there 3 months) and the hours are terrible. My husband is able to spend more time with our kids than I can. What difference would it make if I weren't here anymore? Would anyone care? Would my husband be relieved?
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It would make a huge difference if you were not here and all of it bad. While you say your husband spends more time and does more than you now not being here would mean he had to do it all and your kids NEVER see you again and spend their lives wondering what they did that was so bad their mother would rather die then be with them- sorry if that seems blunt, it is just the simple truth.

    Hospitalization is far less expensive then funeral costs and a lifetime without oyu and your income so costs really is irrelevant. However long before hospitalization , have you talked to your doctor or psyche doctor about what is going on? With a new job and new stressors maybe the medication needs adjusting . There are lots of small steps you can consider prior to hospitalization , bit talk to your health care providers and choose the option that will help the most because feeling better and being able to enjoy your family and have them enjoy you is worth the cost regardless.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
  3. Ekirkpatrick

    Ekirkpatrick Member

    I have been in constant contact with my therapist about this as well as my psychiatrist. Unfortunately I cannot up my dosage of lamotrigine because I'm already at the top of the dosage (300 mg per day). Work is good some days but awful others. My husband and I yell at one another in front of the kids but I feel I shouldn't leave because everyone says he's such a great person, so I feel stuck. I love my kids but feel my husband is the main caregiver anyway. And he is the breadwinner. And we have good life insurance. So what difference would it make if I were gone? I'm miserable here.
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    just FYI.. life insurance does not pay anything when it comes to suicide

    If you are in contact with your Pdoc and T, then help yourself by sharing your concerns and feelings and see if they have any other alternatives.
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Excellent advice above about staying in contact with medical and seeking alternatives. While you may be maxed out on Lamictal, there are many many other things can be used , even if just short term to supplement bad crisis situations. If you genuinely believe that hospitalization will help all they do on short term hospitalization is adjust mends (though are not long enough to determine if will work) and have a few extra therapy sessions. The extra therapy and medications can be managed without inpatient.

    It sounds like maybe you really just need a break and sound very much like when I feel when everything is just getting to be too much and i just need time to feel like I can breathe and think without wondering who thinks i am doing that wrong as well. If you can manage even a full day or weekend to get away from kids , husband work, other stress jst to be able to recharge sometimes that can help alleviate a situation that has built up over time so long as oyu are safe from yourself to get away and do something by your self for 12 hours or 24 hours. Obviously a long weekend away with or without (depending on what you think or feel you need ) family or spouse and just a break can hel too. While our financial situation doe snot allow for extravagant thing or luxury spa weekend to unwind, it may be possible to find something affordable for a day or overnight ot just get a break that doe sno involve expensive things - picnics from sandwiches and walks in a quiet place etc.

    Please do not think I am discounting your feelings or seriousness and saying that a picnic and walk then all will be fine, I understand that is not the situation, just trying to offer some ideas to help get past the worse of the crisis so you can get yourself mentally in a place to work on better long term solutions. Calling a crisis line for one on one support can help for many people as well.
  6. Ekirkpatrick

    Ekirkpatrick Member

    Thanks. This is really helpful. Honestly, I should take advantage of the crisis line when I need it... It's just embarrassing to me to have to call.
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