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Hopeless

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jolene, May 5, 2018.

  1. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    Thing are getting worse each day. I've always resisted to kill myself because I felt guilty for causing pain to my friends and family. But my pain is getting bigger than the guilt. And I was / am coward to do it but...again, the pain is getting bigger than that. There's no other way.
    I can't feel nothing but pain. I've spent 16 months without smiling. I can't even fake it. Things are getting worse.
    I feel horrible because I can't content myself with the love of my friends and family. I love them and they are supportive and loving but...It's not enough. I wish they were but they aren't and...I guess that this is the reason for this: life is punishing me for not being content.
    I've told here lots of times that I use to ask for help to my loved ones "Up There". Now I know they abandoned me. Until a few weeks ago they gave me signals, little gifts, even a little miracla...there was always a liiiitle light. And since two weeks ago...
    Well, I've always asked "them" three things:
    1. To get my ex back (I've always felt that he was a "gift" from my father and now I felt like I was asking him to repare a broken toy for me)
    2. To protect my family, specially three people
    3. To protect my best friend from getting her heart broken.

    Well, during last 10 days:

    1. My ex is further than ever ad I think that this time my worst fear is real. I've spent months telling this and it never was. Until now. Maybe now it is. And it's five weeks without talking, the maximum time. He forgot me.
    2. One of these three people died (it was sudden, no health problems, it just happened). Another has dementia and she is getting worse real fast during the last weeks. And the another one is very, very sad for all this.
    3. Yes, my best friend got her heart broken

    No one is protecting me anymore. I feel alone. No one listens to my desperate prayers.

    I can't keep living suffering like this. My broken heart is killing me in life. I can't stand living like this, having lost the love of my life and... I don't even find the words.

    I want to die, I need to escape from all this. I'm coward, I know, but the pain is excesive and I hate my life, I can't enjoy anything, I'm 24/7 suffering and knowing what I'm have lost forever. I'm hopeless and I don't want to live anymore
     
    Thauoy likes this.
  2. Joanna29

    Joanna29 Active Member

    I see that you are having a very hard time! But suicide is not the solution!. Thinks can get better and it will soon. Nothing last forever! The pain which your going through now will be a life lesson someday! You'll look back and think how strong you were!. Always remember everything is going to be alryt someday!.Dont ever loose hope. You are not alone remember that !and your prayers will be heard! Hang on .
    Everything happens for a reason . You will be okay soon <3
     
  3. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step. Chat Pro SF Supporter

    I don't really have anything to say. Just wanted to say that I've read it and hear what you're saying.
    We're all with you.
    I understand what it's like to pray for things that don't materialize, or have the opposite materialize. It doesn't mean that they aren't looking out for you. It means that your vision is narrower than theirs. What you think is best might in reality not be the best thing.
    Love and light....
     
    Lauranne and Maniae like this.
  4. Maniae

    Maniae Well-Known Member


    Ooohhhh the agony of a broken heart. We've all been there. There is no ONE solution. But of the several options - try writing a letter/text/email to that person but send it to yourself. That way you're not bottling all the despair up inside.
    I found that trying to avoid reaching out to the person was more harmful because of the unknown. My heart goes out to you during these times. I think most of us can tell you that eventually you will heal. It is slow, it is painful, but it will come. Also, I found that being friends and talking periodically was easier than no contact at all. As I said there is no ONE solution.

    The people that you care so much about - they need you & you need them right now. The one who is hurting @ all this need you to lean on. Y'all are each other's support.

    The best friend who's heart is broken - well because yours is as well - then you understand each other's pain a bit more. Allow the love that you share to be that mending element, the common bond. You can talk, laugh, & cry together. Discuss what you've learned & how to be a better mate AND choose a better mate. Or how to better yourself if there is a chance at rekindling the relationship.

    My ex hurt me so badly, to the core of my heart (6 years) - We've been broken up for a few years now but we still talk periodically- as neither of us has had anything lasting outside of one another. I don't know if it is 'healthy' but it is better as friends than hurting as strangers. :rolleyes::confused: ijs

    Wishing you the best outcome.

    SF community cares about you tremendously and we are always here to listen.
     
  5. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    Thank you but...It's been 16 months and it's wore each day... I just feel that I lost the love of my life and...nothing else contents me.
    Thank you for your words and support, I really appreciate them
     
  6. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    Thank you,a lot. I just feel abandoned...until a few weeks ago there was a little light, not anymore. I can't keep dealing with this
     
  7. Joanna29

    Joanna29 Active Member

    Trust me! Everything will change ! Just hang on! Loosing someone doesn't mean that everything is over. If it's meant to be it'll find its way back! And If anything you can talk to me:) I'm here.
     
  8. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    Thank you a lot for your words.
    We still talked, never spent more than a month without texting each other, sometime several times for week. A few months ago we talked about us, because I wanted another chance...he told me that we could talk about it when he came back (he was moving away temporary but...he didn't know for how much time) but that I made him happy telling him that. But two months ago he wasn't at the same page. We have an awful converstrion (for me, but everything was friendly) and he told me that didn't want complications, because his life had enough drama already. A month after (I didn't text him) he texted me very affectionate, calling me pet names and all (well, he barely stopped that, after the first months after the break up, we talked like that) and all... But a five weeks have passed since and he didn't text again. I've been since the break up fearing and getting anxious about he meeting another girl, it was always just my imagination but now....Now it may be true. I lost him forever and... I'm dead to him. If I'm dead to him, I want to be really dead.
    As I said, I can't enjoy anything, I feel guilty because anything is enough, the love of my friends and family is not healing me and it seems that I don't appreciate it but I really do. But... is not enough.
    My therapist was "calm" because she said that this is normal but it's starting to affect to my life even more, I lost interest on everything, and a few days ago I abandoned a presentation (after my turn) and ended up crying desperatedly in the garden of the building. My axiety attacks used to be at home and I kept going with my routine...ntil now. I've just reached my limit and....everyday the pain is worse. And thinking that he may be with another girl, no talking to him is killing me. I just wanted another chance and if I can't...if I'm this broken...I dont want to live anymore
     
  9. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    Thank you a lot... For me everything is lost. And again, thank you for being there, all of you. You're amazing
     
  10. Maniae

    Maniae Well-Known Member

    When & if you reach out to him - only talk as friends would do. If you are inquiring about new relationships it may push him further away.
    I am not "advising" you per se - but I am very familiar with the agony of no contact at all. And he did not do social media so I only had an imagination that caused unsubstantiated grief.
    Only you know what will work for you. Even if it is add'l pain before the healing. But know that YOU have a love within you that others need. Be it family, friend, or relationship. YOUR love is still needed.
    Take it one day at a time.
    You are stronger than this temporary season of heartache.
     
  11. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step. Chat Pro SF Supporter

    @Jolene it's normal to grieve. Grief takes time. Losing someone you love, whether they're alive or not sucks. It does get easier though. Just because now he is dead to you, you may not need him in the same way in the future. You are worth more than someone who can leave you.
    What I meant about the big picture is that sometimes the things we think are the worst can give us so much. Like the couple who didn't have children for 20 years. They finally had a child. Who had a genetic complication (that would affect all their children). After all the time waiting... this complication was one that a cure was only developed for a few months back. Had they had children before their child(ren) would have died. Do we always see how it works out? Not at all. It's rare that we do. But there is a bigger picture. You've an entire life. This moment is but part of a bigger picture.
    Love and light...
     
    MagickLynx and Maniae like this.
  12. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your kind words. For real
    It's complicated. I can't give love to anyone even if I wanted. I had never been affectionate )I love people but I don't demonstrate that) until he took outside that part of me I never knew it existed. I was warm and affectionate with him, like never before. Nor previous relationships, nor friends or family got than from me. It was apart just for him. The best of me.
    And I feel guilty for not consolating with the love of my friends and family but... I can't. I love him and I miss him too much, I can't stand living knowing that I'll never hug him again, kiss him again, be with him... Never. Living forever without him...that's too much time
     
  13. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    Thank you a lot...
    But it's hard. I can't look at the whole picture. I just think... For example, I'm studying something and in two years and a half I could get a high qualification. I can't stand thinking about it. For what? Two years living like this? No way. And the academic merit won't give him back to me.
    I know that I sound like a spoiled child. That's not this. No. But...I need him, I want him, I love him. I want him by my side. During our relationship I was independant and happy, we shared a lot but kept our own lives too, obviously. But now...I need him to be happy, yes. Nothing consoles me, I can't find enjoyment anywhere...I've been like this for more than a year and it's only getting worse. Looking at the whole picture just gives me anxiety because this is what makes me want to die
     
  14. Maniae

    Maniae Well-Known Member

    Jolene - 1 year later may seem worse but in 2 1/2 years, you'll have your academic merit. Think about that wonderful accomplishment that you will achieve - FOR YOURSELF -
    Instead of thinking negative - reverse it and think positive. What if he is there to celebrate this accomplishment with you. In the audience cheering you on. What about all the people along the way that you will encourage. Let's focus on optimistic 'what-ifs'
    Remember you are valuable. You matter to a host of people that you haven't even met yet.
    We are rooting for you!!
     
    Jolene likes this.
  15. Lara_C

    Lara_C SF Supporter

    Hi Jolene, I'm sorry things aren't getting better for you and that after all this time you have been unable to find at least a measure of peace. I know you have been in agony over this for a long time, unable to let go and accept what has happened, but without wanting to sound harsh, I have to say that acceptance of things you can't change is the only way you can begin to recover. If you are religious, I would stop praying for a miracle and pray for the strength to accept what's happened instead. Somebody told me once that we can't tell God what to do, only trust in His power to bring good out of the bad things that happen to us, so I would say try to at least open your mind to the possibility that the very point when it seems all is lost is the point when transformation for the better can happen. This power is within you, whether you call it God or not, but you can only access it if you open your mind to it.
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2018
  16. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    Thank you. The problem is...I don't even care. I just...if that optimistic "what if" could be true... It's the only thing that I want. This is the problem, nothing else matters anymore. I've never been like this until...until the break up. I lost all my interests and desires. And it's getting worse.
    Well, I've never been an optimistic. The worst part is that if I hadn' been so negative, he'd probably still be with me. That's the only thing that he didn't like and the one which end up destroying everything.

    Thank you for your words and support, I wish I could show all of you another version of me but that me is already dead
     
  17. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I don't use to call it God but yes, I believe is "something". But I feel abandoned. I can't find consolation in anything and it's getting worse. And the worst is still to come. I want to surrender and sleep forever
     
    Lara_C likes this.
  18. Lara_C

    Lara_C SF Supporter

    Surrender to the "higher power" within you instead dear Jolene, which has always been there and always will be. You only need to open your mind a little to begin to feel its healing presence. Relax the grip your mind has over you for a moment and turn you attention away from your thoughts to the power within. When you open fully to it, nothing can ever hurt you this much again.
     
    Jolene likes this.
  19. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    The problem is that I lost interest in everything. Nothing appeals me. I try to do the things I used to love and nothing, I only feel worse. I can't keep going because...without what I lost, I hate my life. And if I'm not having him again...I just don't want to live. I never thought I would end up like this but well, here I am. Everything else is meaningless and I don't want to live forever missing him, missing everything in his life and keep going hating everything I used to love. I just can't
     
    Lara_C likes this.
  20. Lara_C

    Lara_C SF Supporter

    I know everything feels meaningless without him sweetheart, but you are standing in your own light, blocking its power to heal you and free you from the unbearable hurt you feel. It's your own mind with its seemingly endless noise which is animating and re-animating the pain and fear. You have to get behind your mind by turning your attention away from your thoughts for a moment to the higher power within you which we spoke about. If you can't manage to "surrender" right away, at least keep praying for acceptance, acknowledging your powerlessness to change the past or control the future in this matter. The answer you really need will come if you persevere, and nothing can ever hurt you this much again because you will have found the true and unfailing antidote to all life's sorrows, to which you can return again and again.