Hopeless

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Lara_C

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How do you think he would react if you wrote to him explaining exactly how much you have been suffering since he left?
 

Jolene

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How do you think he would react if you wrote to him explaining exactly how much you have been suffering since he left? How do you think he would react if you committed suicide?
I don't want him to know. The reason for the break up (or the pause, as it started) was my insecurities and negativeness. He never let me say that it was my fault but it was, I always doubted of his words and ended up discussing (the last weeks, our bad time). The only thing he asked me was to being more positive. If he knew I ended up being suicidal... Of course, if he got back with me, at a certain point I would tell him about my depression and that I was in therapy (which I would continue, obviously) but I don't want him to see me this weak.
What would he think if I commited suicide? Well, in one hand I would want somebody to tell him that I loved him. But at the same time...I would prefer him not to know that I killed myself for him. What would it do? He could feel bad or not but it doesn't matter, I'm dead. Even now I don't want him to be with me only for preventing me of killing myself. That's not what I want and he wouldn't do it. A relationship based in compassion? No.

I'm getting anxious, your posting arrived just when I was about to search about methods (I always ended up crying because I know I will never dare to do it and that makes me feel worse because I'm trapped here forever)
 

Lara_C

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I was just thinking that if he's as good a person as you say, he might give you some support if you were honest about the terrible time you've gone through. You don't have to be together as a couple for him to show you some understanding and kindness.
 

Jolene

Well-Known Member
I was just thinking that if he's as good a person as you say, he might give you some support if you were honest about the terrible time you've gone through. You don't have to be together as a couple for him to show you some understanding and kindness.
I understand but I don't want him to know. And...I'm like this because we are not together, there's no kindness which can save me. The only thing I want is being with him again.
When he broke up with me and when we had the awful conversation five months ago he told me that the last thing he wanted is hurting me. But he hurts me not being with me so... This is impossible to fix, nothing can save me
 

Lara_C

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I understand but I don't want him to know. And...I'm like this because we are not together, there's no kindness which can save me. The only thing I want is being with him again.
When he broke up with me and when we had the awful conversation five months ago he told me that the last thing he wanted is hurting me. But he hurts me not being with me so... This is impossible to fix, nothing can save me
I think you mentioned before that you'd accept a friendship with him as it would be better than nothing, and I think pretending to be ok when you're not when you do exchange texts with him has to be increasing the pressure you feel. He has said the last thing he wants is to hurt you, but I'm wondering do you fear his reaction if you were honest about how much you are hurting?
 
I understand but I don't want him to know. And...I'm like this because we are not together, there's no kindness which can save me. The only thing I want is being with him again.
When he broke up with me and when we had the awful conversation five months ago he told me that the last thing he wanted is hurting me. But he hurts me not being with me so... This is impossible to fix, nothing can save me
I have read through your posts with great angst and it saddens me greatly to hear of the sadness that you feel.
You say repeatedly that you are weak but that is so far from true.
Thus far you have battled on for five months and more and this has taken great courage and more of this inner courage that you don`t realise you have is what will get you through this.
No matter how hopeless things appear now to you this can change in an instant and something can arise from nowhere to give you hope and the road to happiness begins again.
Please soldier on people care about you and you are not on your own.
 

Jolene

Well-Known Member
I think you mentioned before that you'd accept a friendship with him as it would be better than nothing, and I think pretending to be ok when you're not when you do exchange texts with him has to be increasing the pressure you feel. He has said the last thing he wants is to hurt you, but I'm wondering do you fear his reaction if you were honest about how much you are hurting?
I don't exactly fear his reaction. I... I just want him back. And he would never get back with me if I'm even worse than when he felt me. Then I was negative and insecure. Now I am all of these and more. This is not the me he fell for. I don't even like myself. Yes, I would accept a friendship but only for a while.. I love him, he is the love of my life. I would only accept a freindship because the connection was still there (he said it several times) and the chemistry too. I would "work" better in getting him back from that position. Because is all that I want. Have the love of my life back. And I never will...so I don't want to be alive feeling more and more pain each day
 

Jolene

Well-Known Member
I have read through your posts with great angst and it saddens me greatly to hear of the sadness that you feel.
You say repeatedly that you are weak but that is so far from true.
Thus far you have battled on for five months and more and this has taken great courage and more of this inner courage that you don`t realise you have is what will get you through this.
No matter how hopeless things appear now to you this can change in an instant and something can arise from nowhere to give you hope and the road to happiness begins again.
Please soldier on people care about you and you are not on your own.
Thank you a lot for your words. I wish I could have that hope but... No. Things are worse each day. There's no possible happiness on the road and... Deep inside I know that I will never dare to kill myself but everyday I wish I had already done it. I'm not strong, I was once, some years ago, but I ran out of strenght when I lost him. I'm just a shadow of what I was
 

Lara_C

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SF Supporter
And he would never get back with me if I'm even worse than when he felt me. Then I was negative and insecure. Now I am all of these and more
I would "work" better in getting him back from that position. Because is all that I want. Have the love of my life back. And I never will...so I don't want to be alive feeling more and more pain each day
But if, as you said before, he wanted you to be more positive, and that your negativity is what led to the breakup, it seems that any possibility of getting back with him depends on you getting rid of the negativity in your mind. Can you believe that if you could become a more positive person, he might want to return to you? Or do you believe it's all negative, no matter what you do?

The negativity in your mind seems to be the problem that led to the loss of the love of your life, and is now the cause of the loss of your happiness and health, and is even threatening your life. It could be that these losses can be reversed if you can change the way you think by practicing becoming a little less negative?
 
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Jolene

Well-Known Member
But if, as you said before, he wanted you to be more positive, and that your negativity is what led to the breakup, it seems that any possibility of getting back with him depends on you getting rid of the negativity in your mind. Can you believe that if you could become a more positive person, he might want to return to you? Or do you believe it's all negative, no matter what you do?

The negativity in your mind seems to be the problem that led to the loss of the love of your life, and is now the cause of the loss of your happiness and health, and is even threatening your life. It could be that these losses can be reversed if you can change the way you think by practicing becoming a little less negative?
It's complicated. I told that to my therpist too. I've been negative my whole life. I have so much fear of having expectations or hope and then ending hurt that I prefer to expect the worst. But I've not always been soooo negative. Obviously, being like I am only increased my negativism. And yes, it lead me to lost him. I try to pretend to be more positive in text messages but...texts are not enough to see a change and still I have had moments of insecurity, of course. But even if I was a ray of sunshine, if we don't meet in person or talk more, he won't see it. This would be some "fake it till you make it" but still it's not enough.
Funny thing: a guy that only knows me in social media posted on my wall (after my "happy new year") something like "you always show happiness and pure joy. I hope you be very happy this year, you deserve it". I was crying when I read it. Not that I read it and started to cry, no, I was crying for my situation and then... So in social media I must seem a joyful person. Interesting but it's not true, not now.
And I can't find the way to be more positive since all my feelings are desperation for having lost him forever, a future that is even worse than the present and a bunch of things that I used to love but don't make me feel better anymore. I wish I could. He always told me (at the end of the relationship) "you're always with the 'no' before anything else, you could be more positive, enjoy the things, it's the only thing that I want yo to change and it's for you". One of my friends tell me that he is right and I should use that, my love for him, for fighting for being like that but I can't. The pain is killing me (or making me wanting to die) and each day is worse. If I had a little joy,, a lottle light to start from... I could gain some strenghts to fight. But all that comes to me are awful things and my fears getting real in my imagination and who know if in the real life too
 
. .To get him back? These are perfect moments, or one of them while talking to us, to really put some thought into your way of handling things currently. Love, to me, is one of the best influences toward self-change but to truly believe in yourself is where it all starts--after losing him. Is that a benefit? Losing him? I'm gonna have to say that it is, just because of those signs left. Do I support his way of handling things judging by what you've said about him? I'm sure that we all aren't supportive of such, but I can explain why it serves as benefits to why. You're able to further guilt yourself into change. Your negativism as it's what i've had to learn during the episodes that I have like you Jolene. The blows dealt on a personal level serve as ways to really assist in you seeing what you are, how you are, and what you will be in the future. It's beneficial because time also, believe it or not, is healing your wounds one day at a time although how blind you are seemingly says otherwise. And how natural it is I can't say isn't scary? But it's abilities to further help you shelve the past truly does make more of a difference than you might think. You're moving. From days on that're passing with you are moves made. An example being here. I'm not going to ask why as it'd be a stupid question on doing so, but how much reason it carries even I can say that it serves as a key to your sense of stability.

Mmm, but tussling with depression and the like can lead to points of really shutting those doors on what most view as the best resources given in life. Therapy being, to me, the most extreme; and should it go for support groups do they vary. You're out of what you once held to contend; to fight against the past in which you've now allowed to dictate your future. And i'm where you are--against my past. What it's able to do to just tear what I have in which i've called strength to nothing. Where its stressed for most to understand and how frustrating it can be that they don't. Not even us. What you can do again however, is move. And right now you're doing so. When you mentioned schooling did I tell myself on instance how that in itself serves as uniqueness in its own way, as you don't know who've decided to shut their books and walk. You told us about why and how you've slacked on certain things in relation to that but what i'm noticing is that in spite of. .you're not only here and the knife still lacks control, but those are still, in some way. Open. Your moments of laughing alongside friends also serve as those means to guilt yourself into making the ultimate decision and though myself and everyone here aren't able to hold your hands in preventing the worst are we still able to hit those spots in which it matters. .because you're allowing us to. Otherwise you wouldn't be here anymore, yes? You sought change just when you mentioned how Lara saved you from that decision and then were you able to test yourself. So somewhere you're hitting home alongside those whom you've never met. You're opposing the pain of loss with actions brought together through your own sense of choices. But really think about it: your negatives aren't able to outweigh who you are.

So i'm going to ask you this. How can you define love, when you can't define or re-define yourself? The best part of this question is that you're you, but where your journey starts is one of the best positives given through just life alone. It's what i've allowed to hold me back, as i'm sure with thousands here. Our mindsets may not mirror the other, but strategic thought has always found ways to make itself known.
 

Lara_C

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SF Supporter
I told that to my therpist too. I've been negative my whole life. I have so much fear of having expectations or hope and then ending hurt that I prefer to expect the worst. But I've not always been soooo negative. Obviously, being like I am only increased my negativism. And yes, it lead me to lost him
Well that's the problem, meaning the way you think is kind of a self fulfilling prophecy. If you think the worst, things are less likely to get better.
I try to pretend to be more positive in text messages but...texts are not enough to see a change and still I have had moments of insecurity, of course. But even if I was a ray of sunshine, if we don't meet in person or talk more, he won't see it. This would be some "fake it till you make it" but still it's not enough.
Texting is not enough, phone calls would be better, I think, but rather than faking it, I think you really need to tackle the negative thinking itself so that your interactions with him would be honest.
And I can't find the way to be more positive since all my feelings are desperation for having lost him forever, a future that is even worse than the present
You are only assuming the future will be worse, and that he will never return though. Thinking this way is prolonging the agony and despair, but they are only mere thoughts, not objective truths, or infallible predictors of the future. You are also assuming you could never find or have the same depth of love with anyone else if he doesn't return to you. Out of the billions of people on this planet, it's not reasonable to believe there is only one single individual who we could love. I know you think this way right now, but that's only because you're still in the midst of the grieving process which is affecting your judgement.
He always told me (at the end of the relationship) "you're always with the 'no' before anything else, you could be more positive, enjoy the things, it's the only thing that I want yo to change and it's for you".
I think you should take that very seriously and let it give you hope for a better future, either with or without him. He clearly had your best interests at heart.
One of my friends tell me that he is right and I should use that, my love for him, for fighting for being like that but I can't. The pain is killing me (or making me wanting to die) and each day is worse. If I had a little joy,, a lottle light to start from... I could gain some strenghts to fight.
Every time you tell yourself you can't, you are reinforcing the negative thought pattern and that is what is causing and prolonging the pain. Emotions don't occur in a thought vaccuum, and by changing the kind of thoughts you think, you will also change the way you feel. Perhaps you could talk with your therapist about cognitive behaviour therapy, which can be a very effective way to train your mind to serve you rather than undermine your well being and happiness?
 
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Jolene

Well-Known Member
Thank you @Azure Flash
Your words are very inspiring and deep. I don't even know how to respond. It's complicated. I'm still here, yes, but I feel trapped. If I could push a button and die right now...I wouldn't have to do it because I would have already done it long before. I never thought I would end up like this. And yet here I am. Trapped. I can't even fake smiles. I see the faces of my friends looking at me when my eyes get "lost" and I am absent. I saw one of my friends crying because she was suffering for seeing me like this and not knowing what to do to make me feel better. I see my family dissapointed sometimes, thinking that I choose to feel like this. And I see myself and when I remember who I was to years ago... Well, I can't believe it. It seems like a dream. I walk bu certain places where I was happe and think "it couldn't be real, I must have dreamt that". I am the shadow of what I once was. And I couldn't even go back to the time before him, because some of the best of me was him whom took it out, my affectionate part, my best energy... Some of those things weren't here before him and... He made me better and now I'm this.
I've said here many times that I wish you could have known the past me. Even before him, even at my worst moments before him, I was strong. Probably that's why my friends are so shocked. They saw me in my dad's funeral, they saw me suffering an illness, they saw me getting rejection letters of countless jobs and students positions... And I kept fighting. But this time I'm broken. This time I cry in front of anyone. This ime I can't pretend I'm ok. And it's lasting too long. I am so lucky that they don't abandon me (well, one person did but it was awesome because that was a toxic friendship which lasted fifteen years and...I know that person was the sorce of many of my insecurities. She even provoked my doubts of my own relationship, without reason, but she always criticized me and my choices and... I could spent hours describing that friendship and all the damage it caused me but she doesn't worth my time. People is surprised that I don't miss her after so many yearsof being friends but no. She abandoning me when I needed my friends the most was the only good thing that depression gave me. I'm free).

But I am hopeless. A year ago I pictured an awful future. Well, this is the future and was worse than expected. So how can I have hope?

I miss him. I miss him so much that... I would do anything and there's nothing I ca do. I only wanted a chance. And without that chance...nothing else matters.
Once my therapist asked me what would I do if he came back. Apart from explaining that it wouldn't be easy, that I would have many insecurities to face and we would have to fight for forgiving and staring over, I told her that I would sleep. Read more and enjoy the books. Listening musicagain, Enjoy the nights with my friends. Throwing dinner parties at my house... I would do lots of things not related to him, things I used to enjoy before him, things I enjoyed when I was with him and I told him about (different cities so I had my own life, more social than his, which he loved about me). Things I still do but don't enjoy. I would feel calm (with time and work, of course, but with him). I can't stand not going to live that, and not going to live anythng with him. Never. This never is my reason to die and it's way bigger than all my reasons to live
 

Jolene

Well-Known Member
Thank you @Lara_C

Well, you are right but it's hard... It's a lifetime habit which only got worse. For me, positivism means innocence and I hate innocence. I only consider that when it comes to me. I haven't had an easy life. Not a very had one, there are people waaay worse, I know that. But, despite having friends and family and well, a home, my whole life I rarely got what I wanted. If I wanted something, it became impossible or worse: it was very possible but something happened to making me not getting it. It happened to me in lots of areas and I decided never have good expectations. I preferred to suffer in advance and then getting the "surprise" of not failing completely rather than hoping for the best and then... My therapist knows about it and she have been trying EMDR in me for months, trying to find the point where that stated, what caused my insecurities. She says that it's always in the childhood but I don't think so. And we haven't be capable of finding it yet.

Yes, I would want to be honestly positive with him but feeling like this...I can only fake it. Of course texting is not enough and almost a month ago he suggested the we could make a videocall one day. I was surprised and accpeted. We decided to talk about it in the next future and he told me that he was happy. Three days after that he has changed his mind and say that we should wait "and if you still want when I ask you, I'll be happy". I didn't have any hopes when he suggested the videocall (not until it happened, you see, I never believe in a good future) but still it felt like he broke up with me again, but without having being together again. And nothing else after that day, three weeks ago. For me it's lost forever. My friends tell me that he always cambe back and will do it again bu I'm desperate and broken.

Changing my thoughts is impossible right now. As I said, forcing myself to think about a good future seems to me like denying the reality, lying to myself having false hopes. That's blocking me and I don't know how to break that pattern because the fear of getting even more hurt is bigger than the pain of suffering in advance. And...the present is what it is and nothing makes me think that things can change for the better, on the contrary, they keep getting worse
 

Jolene

Well-Known Member
I'm typing here trying to avoid the anxiety attack but...
I'm in a crise again, as always... Fearing the worst. I can't even express how I feel, I only want to dissappear... Usually I would start to read about suicide methods as always I get like this but I always end up crying more because I know I won't do it, so I'm trapped here forever.
I can't remember the last time something good happened. And if it was a neutral situation well...But no, each day one new and horible thing happens, I don't know if in real life or in my imagination, My fear seems too real and if that happens... Well I would say that I would want to die, but I already want, without confirming anything... I am just devastated, I want to die now, nothing else matters, my mind is getting... I can't find the words. I can't stop crying
 

Jolene

Well-Known Member
This is like my worst nightmare coming true, even the most unlikely things are happening, at least I think... This is a case where there are three different and incompatible scenarios and I'm desperatedly crying for the three. But the other times none of them were true. But today... Today... It might be tha day I feared the most. It's going to be the worst night (as I said yesterday, each one is worse). This is a nightmare but the nightmare is real and I can't wake up.
If I could, tonight would be the night of my death. But I can't so a whole life of more pain is awaiting, when the worst think, the unlikely, happened and... I wish it was my imagination as always but no, life is going to make me that. Obviously.

I need to die, I can't stand this anymore
 

Jolene

Well-Known Member
I searched about methods again. And I'm stuck in the same: tho only way I want is too difficult. And it would take years, in the case I got it.
But if all what I imagine is happening, I don't want to be alive. I need to die. Now.
But I can't. Still...one aprt of me has set a date. But what for? I want to die to stop suffering. If the only thing that would made me want to live is not going to happen, I just want to stop living without it. Waiting is living more time with this pain and worse. But I can't do it, I can't kill myself, is not that easy. But I don't want to be alive. I nedd help, but help to die, since nobody can help me to want to live. And it's impossible too.

I'm desperate. This is the night I've fear so long... Three incompatible scenarios, suffering for all three, and probably the worst one is happening even if it was the most unlikely. But life always can made a bad miracle. Everything instead of giving me a little joy.

I can't keep living without knowing how being with him again feels. I can't live without knowing how smiling for real feels. No. It's too hard, it's too long. Too much time ahead. I can't. I just want to die
 
I don't exactly fear his reaction. I... I just want him back. And he would never get back with me if I'm even worse than when he felt me. Then I was negative and insecure. Now I am all of these and more. This is not the me he fell for. I don't even like myself. Yes, I would accept a friendship but only for a while.. I love him, he is the love of my life. I would only accept a freindship because the connection was still there (he said it several times) and the chemistry too. I would "work" better in getting him back from that position. Because is all that I want. Have the love of my life back. And I never will...so I don't want to be alive feeling more and more pain each day
As you admit this is not the you he fell for so there once was a you that had a "special something" that attracted a special man.
You owe it to yourself to rediscover that "special something" and whilst it won`t be easy try to rebuild the person you once were.
Think about who you were back then and what you liked about yourself.Taking one small step at a time try to find those qualities inside
yourself.They are still there it`s just you have buried them so deep it`s hard to find them but you can do it.
 
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