Thing are getting worse each day. I've always resisted to kill myself because I felt guilty for causing pain to my friends and family. But my pain is getting bigger than the guilt. And I was / am coward to do it but...again, the pain is getting bigger than that. There's no other way.
I can't feel nothing but pain. I've spent 16 months without smiling. I can't even fake it. Things are getting worse.
I feel horrible because I can't content myself with the love of my friends and family. I love them and they are supportive and loving but...It's not enough. I wish they were but they aren't and...I guess that this is the reason for this: life is punishing me for not being content.
I've told here lots of times that I use to ask for help to my loved ones "Up There". Now I know they abandoned me. Until a few weeks ago they gave me signals, little gifts, even a little miracla...there was always a liiiitle light. And since two weeks ago...
Well, I've always asked "them" three things:
1. To get my ex back (I've always felt that he was a "gift" from my father and now I felt like I was asking him to repare a broken toy for me)
2. To protect my family, specially three people
3. To protect my best friend from getting her heart broken.
Well, during last 10 days:
1. My ex is further than ever ad I think that this time my worst fear is real. I've spent months telling this and it never was. Until now. Maybe now it is. And it's five weeks without talking, the maximum time. He forgot me.
2. One of these three people died (it was sudden, no health problems, it just happened). Another has dementia and she is getting worse real fast during the last weeks. And the another one is very, very sad for all this.
3. Yes, my best friend got her heart broken
No one is protecting me anymore. I feel alone. No one listens to my desperate prayers.
I can't keep living suffering like this. My broken heart is killing me in life. I can't stand living like this, having lost the love of my life and... I don't even find the words.
I want to die, I need to escape from all this. I'm coward, I know, but the pain is excesive and I hate my life, I can't enjoy anything, I'm 24/7 suffering and knowing what I'm have lost forever. I'm hopeless and I don't want to live anymore
I can't feel nothing but pain. I've spent 16 months without smiling. I can't even fake it. Things are getting worse.
I feel horrible because I can't content myself with the love of my friends and family. I love them and they are supportive and loving but...It's not enough. I wish they were but they aren't and...I guess that this is the reason for this: life is punishing me for not being content.
I've told here lots of times that I use to ask for help to my loved ones "Up There". Now I know they abandoned me. Until a few weeks ago they gave me signals, little gifts, even a little miracla...there was always a liiiitle light. And since two weeks ago...
Well, I've always asked "them" three things:
1. To get my ex back (I've always felt that he was a "gift" from my father and now I felt like I was asking him to repare a broken toy for me)
2. To protect my family, specially three people
3. To protect my best friend from getting her heart broken.
Well, during last 10 days:
1. My ex is further than ever ad I think that this time my worst fear is real. I've spent months telling this and it never was. Until now. Maybe now it is. And it's five weeks without talking, the maximum time. He forgot me.
2. One of these three people died (it was sudden, no health problems, it just happened). Another has dementia and she is getting worse real fast during the last weeks. And the another one is very, very sad for all this.
3. Yes, my best friend got her heart broken
No one is protecting me anymore. I feel alone. No one listens to my desperate prayers.
I can't keep living suffering like this. My broken heart is killing me in life. I can't stand living like this, having lost the love of my life and... I don't even find the words.
I want to die, I need to escape from all this. I'm coward, I know, but the pain is excesive and I hate my life, I can't enjoy anything, I'm 24/7 suffering and knowing what I'm have lost forever. I'm hopeless and I don't want to live anymore