I’m really not feeling good. I’ve just come off a 1 month sick leave after a suicide attempt in jan, back to work at the elderly nursing home I work at. I’m considering leaving my job tho, I feel like I can’t help the residents there. I can’t even look after myself, and there just isn’t enough staff to give everyone any more than just basic care. It’s clear the residents are suffering both from their physical issues like stroke/cancer, and from mental ilness such as dementia and depression. A resident committed Suicide last week, which is very unusual for an elderly home. I’m just not sure how much good I can do when I feel as miserable as they do. I feel guilty for feeling like it when I’m young and healthy, although I know that’s not how it works. My therapists, friends and family all somewhat agree that It might not be the best place for me to work while I’m struggling in this way.
Meanwhile, a friend of 3 years has just decided he doesn’t want to hang around with me anymore, mainly to do with an incident of me getting arrested while on a night out and him worrying I’m gonna get him into trouble. I see his point even though that perticular incident wasn’t really my fault as I was defending myself from some people who attacked me. I don’t deal very well with abandonment, I’ve been told that’s part of my bpd. I feel completely betrayed and angry, sometimes with him and sometimes with myself. I feel like my other friends are soon gonna follow and I’ll be completely alone. I feel lonely now with my couple of friends, so I’m gonna be twice as lonely when they leave.
I’ve been stuck in this rut for years now. I think I’m stuck at a dead end and have no hope I’m ever gonna be a healthy social person ever again. I really don’t think I wanna be here anymore, nothing ever works. I think I’m just fundamentally wired wrong. It’s all so hopeless
Meanwhile, a friend of 3 years has just decided he doesn’t want to hang around with me anymore, mainly to do with an incident of me getting arrested while on a night out and him worrying I’m gonna get him into trouble. I see his point even though that perticular incident wasn’t really my fault as I was defending myself from some people who attacked me. I don’t deal very well with abandonment, I’ve been told that’s part of my bpd. I feel completely betrayed and angry, sometimes with him and sometimes with myself. I feel like my other friends are soon gonna follow and I’ll be completely alone. I feel lonely now with my couple of friends, so I’m gonna be twice as lonely when they leave.
I’ve been stuck in this rut for years now. I think I’m stuck at a dead end and have no hope I’m ever gonna be a healthy social person ever again. I really don’t think I wanna be here anymore, nothing ever works. I think I’m just fundamentally wired wrong. It’s all so hopeless
