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Hopeless

Chipetele

Aspiring person
#1
I asked for an appointment with the psychiatrist...The psychiatric clinic got back to me today, over a week later, to give me an appointment for a...different thing. A program where you go on activities with other people struggling with mental health issues. Which IS something I signed up for before Bud Light Lime but not what I need right now. I need the drugs. And I need someone to listen to everything I tell them about everything I've gone through since I was 13 and what I'm feeling and how hopeless it all feels and then I need them to take that into account and finally find the right diagnosis and then I need them to give me the right treatment for whatever is wrong with me and help me find a way to deal with having lost my teens and 20s and never gotten to be young with other young people and been part of a community and deal with my grief over being deprived of these things I needed to experience that I never got to experience and this crucial part of my life that's supposed to have been over for a while now but for me it never STARTED. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready for all of this to be almost half my life ago. I'm not ready for the people that I needed to grow up with to be adults and talk and think and act like adults. I needed to be young and I don't think you can ever fully recover from having lost these obligatory parts of life. You can't just not get to be a teenager, not get to be a youth, be isolated for all of your teens and 20s and be home all day every day for all of those years, and then just recover and live a happy, functional life after that. Not even with drugs, not even with therapy, not even if you acquire a social life of some kind.

I've considered checking myself into the psych ward but a problem is there's no psych ward. I have never been admitted as an adult. I was in the youth psych ward 5 times between the ages of 14-17 and it was a very helpful place but there's no such place for adults. There's one place where you have to pretty much be psychotic to get in and it's supposedly a scary place with lots of screaming and...madness. And then there's another place where you only get to stay for a week and it's pretty much just a hotel, they don't really talk to you and they shoo you out the door really quickly. I've been thinking about dying recently and I remember why I tried to kill myself when I was 17. I wanted to die while I was still young and while my peers still remembered me. I didn't want to lose the rest of my teens, spend them at home with my family (which was torture when all I wanted was to be with my peers) grow up and be forgotten. I had already been isolated for too long and my loneliness was unbearable. But then I lived. For 12 more years. 12 more years of emptiness, isolation and meaninglessness. I don't understand why. My life has felt "guided" sometimes, and I don't understand the point of this story. Why it didn't end when I was 17. Why I'm now about to turn 30 with all these parts of my life missing. What did it add? I've gained a lot of insight recently, into my own behaviour and ways of thinking and how toxic it all was and how nothing was how I thought it was. So that changed. But couldn't I have realized that a lot sooner?
 

Dark111

SF Supporter
#2
I asked for an appointment with the psychiatrist...The psychiatric clinic got back to me today, over a week later, to give me an appointment for a...different thing. A program where you go on activities with other people struggling with mental health issues. Which IS something I signed up for before Bud Light Lime but not what I need right now. I need the drugs. And I need someone to listen to everything I tell them about everything I've gone through since I was 13 and what I'm feeling and how hopeless it all feels and then I need them to take that into account and finally find the right diagnosis and then I need them to give me the right treatment for whatever is wrong with me and help me find a way to deal with having lost my teens and 20s and never gotten to be young with other young people and been part of a community and deal with my grief over being deprived of these things I needed to experience that I never got to experience and this crucial part of my life that's supposed to have been over for a while now but for me it never STARTED. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready for all of this to be almost half my life ago. I'm not ready for the people that I needed to grow up with to be adults and talk and think and act like adults. I needed to be young and I don't think you can ever fully recover from having lost these obligatory parts of life. You can't just not get to be a teenager, not get to be a youth, be isolated for all of your teens and 20s and be home all day every day for all of those years, and then just recover and live a happy, functional life after that. Not even with drugs, not even with therapy, not even if you acquire a social life of some kind.

I've considered checking myself into the psych ward but a problem is there's no psych ward. I have never been admitted as an adult. I was in the youth psych ward 5 times between the ages of 14-17 and it was a very helpful place but there's no such place for adults. There's one place where you have to pretty much be psychotic to get in and it's supposedly a scary place with lots of screaming and...madness. And then there's another place where you only get to stay for a week and it's pretty much just a hotel, they don't really talk to you and they shoo you out the door really quickly. I've been thinking about dying recently and I remember why I tried to kill myself when I was 17. I wanted to die while I was still young and while my peers still remembered me. I didn't want to lose the rest of my teens, spend them at home with my family (which was torture when all I wanted was to be with my peers) grow up and be forgotten. I had already been isolated for too long and my loneliness was unbearable. But then I lived. For 12 more years. 12 more years of emptiness, isolation and meaninglessness. I don't understand why. My life has felt "guided" sometimes, and I don't understand the point of this story. Why it didn't end when I was 17. Why I'm now about to turn 30 with all these parts of my life missing. What did it add? I've gained a lot of insight recently, into my own behaviour and ways of thinking and how toxic it all was and how nothing was how I thought it was. So that changed. But couldn't I have realized that a lot sooner?
Why beat yourself up anymore? We come to realizations about what we need when we're ready.

Not sure why they gave you an appointment for something you didn't ask.. why not call them back and say you want an appointment for an individual?
 

Chipetele

Aspiring person
#3
Not sure why they gave you an appointment for something you didn't ask.. why not call them back and say you want an appointment for an individual?
The appointment for the activity thing was planned pre-covid and then put on hold, it could just be a coincidence. I've tried to get ahold of the psychiatrist several times but they just say they'll send him another message.


Why beat yourself up anymore? We come to realizations about what we need when we're ready.
I would've really loved to have these realizations while I was younger and recognized the world I live in, though.
 

Dark111

SF Supporter
#4
The appointment for the activity thing was planned pre-covid and then put on hold, it could just be a coincidence. I've tried to get ahold of the psychiatrist several times but they just say they'll send him another message.



I would've really loved to have these realizations while I was younger and recognized the world I live in, though.
Of course, but we can only do what we can do now. Regardless, I think you need to tell them you need an appointment for just you.
 

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