Hopeless

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by whoaaxxsamm, Jul 29, 2010.

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  1. whoaaxxsamm

    whoaaxxsamm Well-Known Member

    I've attempted suicide three times in my life. I'm 18 years old. I think about diying everyday. My attempts have failed because I'm scared of leaving my little sister behind. She is developmentaly delayed and I love her with all my heart. I have to chose between living a life of misery or staying because people just won't let me go. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to seem selfish. I just have to go.

    I think I'm going to finaly do it. This sunday night. I chose sunday because I don't have to watch my sister the next day. I don't know how I'm going to make it until then, but I have a responsibility. Atleast I will go with some sort of dignity. If I even truly understand what that means..

    Sunday is my time. I can't go on, but I'm still scared. I don't want to die, I just don't want to live like this. Death seems like a better decision.
     
  2. whoaaxxsamm

    whoaaxxsamm Well-Known Member

    I don't know if this is a cry for help, or simple just letting someone know, anyone know, that I can't do it anymore. The people that already know, don't seem to care.
     
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    It sounds like your sister is hugely important to you.

    Your options are not only 'living a life of misery or staying because people just won't let me go'.

    What about making positive changes, seeking the right help and living a life you are happy with? It won't be quick or easy but if you fight for it there is no reason why it won't be doable.

    Its good you don't want to die. That is the important thing to focus on. Its understandable you don't want to live as you are, who would? It sounds wretched, but you don't have to live that way. Life can get better if you fight for it.

    Death is permanent. You can't do something permanent unless you are 100% sure, which you are not.
     
  4. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    What got you so depressed? I don't think you will commit suicide, your loving heart is too strong for that and you know it. You said your boyfriend and your sister is all you have, girl thats all you need! How old is your bf btw?
     
  5. whoaaxxsamm

    whoaaxxsamm Well-Known Member

    My boyfriend broke up with my yesterday because of my depression. I am not upset because we are not together, I'm upset because I've lost someone I loved because of my depression. Now I only have my sister. To tell you the truth, and my mom will agree, I don't ever remember being happy. I've always felt this way. I'm trying to get better, I'm trying to live a happy life, but how can I do that when I don't even know what happy is. I don't even know what "better" is. This life is all I know.
     
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I can relate to that a lot. What help do you have with your depression?

    Maybe its not a case of trying to aim for 'happy' because that's something that probably feels overwhelming and unachievable. Maybe its a case of focusing on one step forward that could help you feel a bit less bad (if that makes sense).
     
  7. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    Love, Satisfaction, Pleasure, Joy.
    Aren't you curious?
     
  8. whoaaxxsamm

    whoaaxxsamm Well-Known Member

    Yes, it makes sense, but the thing is I've done it all! Hospitalization, medication, therapy, ANYTHING. I can't get over the mistakes I've made, the people I have hurt. I'm also a perfectionist, and want things NOW. I can't managa to change my train of thought as much I've told myself too.
     
  9. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    I agree with the above posted by Scum.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 29, 2010
  10. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    What mistakes have you made? Who have you hurt? Can you tell us more?

    It sounds like you have fought a lot and that's fantastic. However, I'm going to disagree that you've done it all. There is always something else to try and you have obviously not found what works for you.

    Its hard when you are a perfectionist because you will always 'fail' in your eyes because you cant ever achieve perfection. It also means you miss the successes you do have in your life and in situations because you deem them not 'good enough' by what you want to achieve, when really they are perfectly acceptable and great achievements.
     
  11. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    Why that is all body related, how about spiritual. Church, Bible, Koran, Torah, meditation, isn't being sick a waste of time?
     
  12. whoaaxxsamm

    whoaaxxsamm Well-Known Member

    I guess they aren't horribly mistakes, just general mistakes everyone makes, but too me, alot of little mistakes, makes one huge mistake. I've hurt everyone with my depression and my anger. I get angry because I'm so sad. I don't understand, it doesn't make sense to me. I put up this guard so that I don't get hurt, but everyone always gets through it. I am trying, I was trying.. I don't know anymore. I feel like time is moving without me, like I'm not really here to begin with. I know that most likely didn't answer any of your questions, my mind is just all over the map.
     
  13. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    It sounds, to be honest, that you beat yourself up for being human and doing things that every single human being on this planet does. Do you judge others as harshly as you judge yourself?

    Have you had any help with your anger? I think its more than ok to be angry about how you feel, but its learning to channel it in a non destructive way that is important.
     
  14. dark&lone

    dark&lone Well-Known Member

    i can relate to how you feel and Ive been ambushed in the past, and somedays when the cup is half full I feel grateful that there has always been someone there, even if I didnt know them. However other days, when im feeling exactly the way you do now, I just wish and pray that i will be taken in my sleep, or I will get ran over or something, because at least i would be dead, because i believe that there is always someone watching over me, I call her my angel, its a very close family member who died quite a while ago, and i just tell myself that when it is my time to sit beside her once more, then she will come get me. I can relate also with the I want it now attitude, Ive had that all my life, but the greatests gifts I have recived in my time have been the things i had to wait for. Im not going to tell you not to do anything, nor am I going to tell you to do it, as Im not that nasty to anyone, however I will say this, everytime Ive made a plan, of doing it in a couple of times, my brain seems to become active once more becuase I feel the hope that I will be dead in a couple of days, however I feel that hope also sparks fear of what Im leaving behind, sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt, however Im still here today, and I still breathe x Just think about it. PM me if you wanna chat about ANYTHING...

    Dark&lone
     
  15. whoaaxxsamm

    whoaaxxsamm Well-Known Member

    I've never been spiritual. I have alot of trouble believe in something when I can't believe in myself. I also have alot of trouble believing in something with such a high power when there is so much uncertainty in the world as it is.

    I suppose I do judge others the way I judge myself. That's why I have no friends and can't keep a boyfriend. I want everthing to be perfect and that's impossible.
     
  16. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    What does perfection mean to you?
     
  17. dark&lone

    dark&lone Well-Known Member

    i can understand and respect you choice about your spiritual beliefs, and Im not here to preach... hell I can just about convince myself half the time! but I am here to listen and to identify with you because then if you have identifaction for someone then it takes the power out of your thought as you start learning that you are not on your own. for years I felt loney and isolated and I still do however I know on here people are genuine and do care, from what Ive read from feedback to different people. The perfectionism will ease, but you have to let it, and its hard, Im not going to lie, however it is possible. Just trying to lower one or two of your expectations, even if its a bout a shopkeeper or something just slowly adjust your expectations, it helped for me, and excuse the pun but im not perfect i have "lapses" of wanting everything to go perfect, yet i soon realise and try and sort it out. I hope this helps even a slight bit just to keep you going.

    Dark&lone
     
  18. whoaaxxsamm

    whoaaxxsamm Well-Known Member

    Perfection to mean cannot be defined. It's my subconsious telling me what I think should be perfect. I think I'm nuts. Thank you to everyone. It is nice to see that complete strangers care when the people around me don't. :)
     
  19. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Sam. Please don't go through with your suicide plan. There has to be a better way. Please don't give up. :hug:
     
  20. whoaaxxsamm

    whoaaxxsamm Well-Known Member

    Thank you Dave. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I still have time to think.
     
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