Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by darktanj, Oct 19, 2010.

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  1. darktanj

    darktanj New Member

    i sit here crying realising how pathetic i am, that i can't go without drugs for 2 days. my last week would envy alot of my friends but it makes me miserable, last tuesday i got of my head on mkat (Mephedrone), wednesday ectasy, thursday weed, friday speed and everyday till now. i went out into the world and found something i can do on a regular basis to make me happy buy speed. but as soon as i hit reality i feel aweful because the only way i can be happy is by drugs. this is probably the heavist week of drugs i've ever done and i can't remeber more than 30 minuets of each day, i have just lost a week and im thinking maybe i do it again. i know i shouldn't but i can't think of any positives in my life at the moment and when im on speed its the only time i feel generaly good about myself, so when i sober up i hate my life even more because it needs drugs to continue.

    to me speed is like a filter on life, it removes all the negative parts. i want to quit my dependance on drugs but i can't even find a good reason to stop taking speed because for the last few days my life has been enjoyable, so here is my main problem no matter how many times i tally it in my head there seems to be to positive reasons to take speed for every negative one. i know i shouldn't need speed to have fun but on my list of fun activities its the only one on there.

    i want my life end its utter crap, and its getting worse and to change this seems to me to be almost impossible. all my life is either finding a way to either denie my deppresion or turn my brain off. i feel like im about to hit true rock bottom and the climb back just dosn't seem worth it. i have turning into a person i truly hate an addict. and its turning me into a terrible person, like untill this speed i would never ditch a friend for drugs and what have i done. im jealous of all my sober friends because well they don't need drugs in thier life.

    what is the point anymore? i don't even see much point in trying to soldier on, they say suicde is the easy option, well maybe life is to hard for me and life constantly on drugs isn't worth living. i have thinking about end my life for the past few months but only after the past week of drugs that it dosn't seem like the crazist notion i've have. this terrifies me wether i can't even now trust my self round myself. i can't remeber a day this week where i havn't woken up wishing i was never born. the life all the choices i have made is crap everytime i make a decsion for myself i never make the best chocie for me, every positive inprovment in my life has either been done for me or i was back into a corner.i truly am my own worst enemy, the main goal of my life at the moment is to race to my grave as soon as posibble.

    people say things get better no they don't from my childhood my life has got progressively worse, and my childhood was god aweful with a capital GOD, and even if i look to future i don't see anything that makes me want to live, and its destorying my will to continue i just can't see anyway out even if i tell my parents whats going what differance will it make? because telling them the truth will 90% make me homeless, well they said if brought weed into the house again they would make me homeless, how the f**k are they gonna react to truth. not very well, i know because i've always been the little bell*** of the family, well as a child im not dening that, but lets just say in thier eyes now what i do is way much fucking worse.

    i feel like im on the last ft of my tether i've know this time would come for ages, when even the drugs just don't help that much anymore, and if i can escape from this living hell its twice as bad when i return and i don't know how much fucking more i can bare.

    with no reason to live for why bother?
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    hey there,

    sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you right now. firstly I would say that it is not true that you always make bad decisions. I think that reaching out here, and seeking help generally sounds like a good idea.

    I guess that it is clear to you that using drugs is a downward spiral.

    If you saw a psychiatrist or md, they might prescribe drugs to you, but I think that the prescription kind would be better for you.

    Getting some drug rehab and some treatment for the underlying depression sounds like a good idea.

    What country are you in? I guess in Canada and the UK the government pays for health care. If you are in the us, do you have health insurance? or would you meet the income levels for free care or medicaid?

    So if you could get treatment, that would probably help. Have you tried any treatments? They might give you a prescription drug, maybe electro-convulsive therapy. Maybe some talk therapy or cognitive-behavioral.

    You can always go to the hospital emergency room whether you have insurance or not. Or just call 911 (emergency)

    You may want to keep a suicide crisis hotline number handy if you need it later, or call now.

    I hope that you are able to pull through this!
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