Hopelessly slipping into darkness

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Endlessagony, Aug 2, 2015.

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  1. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Seeker

    For a while things felt a bit better but the past week I've been drifting deeper and deeper into the dark pits of despair again. I'm so tired of this, I want to cry and scream but I can't. There's just a cold emptiness shrouding my whole being, paralyzing me. I can't shake the feeling everybody hates me. I've been talking to my family on the phone and they are at best indifferent to anything I say. There is a growing paranoia that the whole world is out to get me, I feel I can't trust anyone.
    I've been betrayed by the people closest to me so many times.

    I'm trying to fight these feelings but I fear they are going to win. What would it matter if I were to die? No one would care anyway and I'd be pain free. I'm just so tired of being in agonizing pain all the time, of feeling like I'm universally hated, that I'm such a horrible person I deserve to suffer.

    I'm really losing faith I will ever recover. I have been working very hard this whole year with my issues but things have only marginally improved. Now with some small setbacks it seems everything I worked so hard for is swept away and I'm left with only the crippling pain and fear. It doesn't feel like it's worth it anymore. Small periods of manageable pain and then BOOM! Back again to square one.

    Just wish the pain would end...
  2. What Ever

    What Ever Active Member

    There may be darkness, but there is still light in your world because I can see you. I can feel the fear and the pain. I am with you. I do not hate you. I wish the pain would end.
  3. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you're in so much pain but can relate. I am in a lot of pain mentally all of the time.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hiyas, I am sorry you are going through so much rough stuff right now, I hope things improve for you. Use this outlet here to let off all the steam, if you ever need to talk i'm around, :hugs:
  5. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Seeker

    Thank you all for your replies :)
    Today is not much better. I haven't been getting much sleep at night, called in sick again. I'm so afraid.
    Still have to call the doctor and get the paperwork for the sick leave but now I'm so scared I can't pick up the phone. I have trouble expressing my pain and they don't seem to listen. Last week he wanted me to start taking a med which I googled and the side effects were pretty horrible (miaserin which seems is no longer even used in the US, only Europe). He didn't even ask me about blood pressure or kidney issues (which I have and it should not be taken then), was just interested to push the drug. I didn't take it and now I feel like a horrible person. What will they say? I need the help from there but I have to subject myself to things I don't want.

    I just can't cope anymore, it feels like no one takes me seriously. I'm just not in mental pain all the time, it is physical also. Chronic joint and muscle pain, constant headaches, mouth tastes like sandpaper, skin rashes. I try to talk about this at the doc and it seems I'm not being heard at all. I try to talk to people around me but no one cares, they are not interested.

    I hate myself so much, I guess I can't expect anything less from anyone else. I'm a worthless sack of shit who can't take care of myself even on a basic level. I've tried so hard to live a normal life but I can't cope with normal stuff.

    Right now I just want to lock the door and crawl into bed until I slowly wither away. Just can't deal with the world anymore. Can't deal with myself anymore. Can't deal with the pain.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, you are not a horrible person. I'd be afraid to take a drug that is not often used too and I have taken a lot of meds over the last couple of years. I think you need to express your fears with the doctor and explain about your physical illnesses too.

    I can relate to how you are feeling, I have been there. Hopefully when they get you on the right combination of meds for you, you will feel better :hugs:
  7. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Seeker

    I tried to talk about my physical pain with the doc and she gave me a cursory look. Didn't of course find anything (the whole 1 minute it took) but at least I got a referral to physiotherapy for my stiff neck. I know most of it is in my head, many ailments are also probably worsened a lot by my chronic anxiety and depression. I'm also in dire need of a dentist but too scared to do anything about it. The ache is not that bad, more like a constant discomfort so I bear with it. I know the risk involved though with a possible spreading infection (tooth is chipped and slowly decaying), the threat of serious consequences just seems to paralyze me more.

    I've tried several different meds and none have helped me at all. At best it numbed me up, at worst it was nightmarish side effects. Never could function any better with them. I've found AA and I have gone to meetings as often as I can, it has helped more than meds. I just have so much crap in my head I don't know if I'll ever sort out.
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