I used to always have hope, no matter how small, it was there. If I was in the depths of depression there was always still something to be hopeful about. That was somewhat comforting in itself. No matter how bad it was I could find a way to convince myself that it wasn't hopeless. I've been suicidal for a long time, but hope kept me from acting on it. I've come to the realization that I no longer have that hope anymore, and that is a very frightening thing. Failure after failure has crushed that I think. I have become a recluse and have developed severe anxiety and agoraphobia. I tried to get help... the pills didn't work and actually made me feel intolerably bad. The therapy is too expensive for someone that can't even work. My thinking is so twisted and irrational that I can't even function. I've unintentionally ruined friendships with my ineptness and destroyed many chances at more. I hide from everything and everyone. I am nothing but a burden. Being housebound and scared shitless of the real world, I cannot contribute anything. I am literally a parasite. I want to die but I don't want to further burden those around me. This is my sole reason for continuing. It's true... the negativity has completely overcome me. I honestly, truly and sincerely do not see a light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I am consumed by self-loathing and despair. I can't see any possible way out. I want to enjoy life so badly but I can't. I have hopes and dreams that cannot be fulfilled. It is almost comical how there is so much wrong with me and my life, and I struggle to think of one good quality I possess. I am hopeless.