Hopes and dreams only get you so far

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Kirsty_Ann, Dec 5, 2010.

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  1. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    Just too much, every waking damn minute of the day:
    i want to feel ok! I want to be normal/ average,
    but i don't wanna get up in 5 hours time, i don't want to do all this stuff i don't care about.
    Just cannot do it,
    time and time again: kirsty can cope she'll be fine . . .
    NO every single day i hope someone finds the time of their day to think about me, to talk to me . . . not leave me trapped in this room for hours on end.
    I want the motivation to get out of bed and do things; i used to be the most productive and hard working person known but i can't do that anymore . . .
    it's not that i don't want to but instead something much stronger is clicked in place that says what is the point? i am the person who beats the odds and appears to pull through but i cannot do that anymore, and to make things worse it doesn't even matter to a single person that i can't do it,
    I want this to be over, i really do; this isn't me and i cannot find that person anymore;
    i look down and see 11 cuts on my arms in a week; i would never have done this before, it rationally doesn't make sense, but right now i feel something bigger than that telling me otherwise.
    There is only so much i can deal with; even the idea of smiling seems so distant. . .
    i don't want to do this anymore
     
  2. Joshuwa

    Joshuwa Well-Known Member

    Maybe you can just take a day off tomorrow sweetie?
    If i could i would take every minute out of my day to be there and talk to you, to help you through this.
     
  3. KayleighBella

    KayleighBella Member

    i too suffered like this, but you just have to live for tomorrow. i know everyone says it but its very true. doing something drastic today will rob you of tomorrow. like people have said, take the day off and do something spontaneous, just because you want to. :)
     
  4. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Kirsty, I have to go out today because my husband is getting some test results at the hospital and wants me to be with him.
    I'll be back later this afternoon and post again then.
    Thinking about you and sending you loads of hugs and love xxxx
     
  5. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    Depression does this to most of us in the worst of times.
    Having no motivation to do anything can really be soul crushing.

    You just have to find things to distract yourself-- and sometimes forcing yourself to go to work and focus on your work and ONLY work can be quite helpful.... only if you can really focus though; otherwise it can turn into an unpleasant situation.

    Stay and talk if you want to stay home~ okay?
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey you sound overwhelmed try to just focus on one thing okay at a time. Hopes and dreams are good to have and sometimes we have to work a little harder for them okay just take one thing at a time and get through it. I hope your day gets better for you:IrishDoll:
     
  7. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    Thank you, thats really nice,
    just get frustrated at all of this. . . for someone who loves being in control, i hate not having that control over how i feel,
    just the way things are i guess.
    Hopefully seeing the doctor later should help; i tried to go to my lectures but surprisingly they were cancelled seems to be no point in trying i guess, Oh well, better luck next time.
    But thankyou
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i too like to be in control and hate it when i am not Good for you getting up and out to attend those lectures even though they were cancelled Now go and have some time for you okay Get a coffee tea and chillax as my daughter would say. Im glad you were able to get some control back
     
  9. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    I know and i do try but it just doesn't make me feel any better at all, but thanks
     
  10. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Hi Kirsty!!!
    How are you feeling now?
    I'm not surprised that you're down, it's been a bit heavy going recently hasn't it? Plus you have so much going on at the moment. You're at a new Uni, away from home and family, trying to do a course, I think you're working part time too? So many major changes in your life. Its bound to build up as stress. Then there's the snow which isn't helping.
    You're definitely in the 'dip' and the only thing that you can do when you get there is hang on for dear life and wait for it to be over. It will be over, not sure when but it will end and then you'll be on the up again.
    One of the problems that you've got is that you are a highly intelligent girl. You're extremely mature for your age too. That will set you apart from the vast majority of your peer group and can be very lonely.
    You're now at a stage where you're resenting all of it. You're resenting the mental health issues, you're resenting your intelligence and your drive to succeed, and you're resenting the fact that you've always been the person in your family who copes, who can be depended upon.
    I think that you're really angry about it all but you don't know how to express that anger. I hope that you do know you have every right to be angry. Every right. You've just got to find a way to express it.
    I also think that you're exhausted. I think that you push yourself way too hard. You've got to give yourself a break. Can you get some money together to go on a package deal over Xmas for example? Get right away to somewhere thats sunny? Take a ton of books and lie on a beach all day.
    PM me anytime hun. xxxxx
     
  11. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    Hey,
    hmm i don't know i just need to get away from here i think, i work when i am at home. I just have far too much time here to think and it does my head in, really does.
    hmm saw my doctor so i'm now on sleeping tablets so i am hoping that they will help and now been referred to the psychiatric team in hope they will help; for the first time today i felt she listened, probably because i put my front down a little bit,
    I know it takes time and i just cannot wait to leave here, i've only got just over a week left now so i can be around the people i care about and just work solidly so i can take my mind off everything.
    Just feels very lonely here, especially as i don't have any family back home or anywhere to support me. Guess it is one of things.
    Just stressful all the time trying to arrange somewhere to live when i go back home, and feels like i am putting pressure on my friends to see if i can stay, and first christmas without family too; i guess i just have to not think that far and take each day as they come.
    Not sure about a holiday, i'd feel more isolated i think so not sure it'd do me any good, but nice suggestion thanks :)
    xx
     
  12. takencontrol

    takencontrol Well-Known Member

    thinking about you xx
     
  13. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    Ditto xx
     
  14. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    You definitely need a break and perhaps a hobby of some sort to stop you from just working endlessly? Have you joined any of the Uni's societies or clubs?
    I'm glad the doctor listened to you. Make sure you always see the same doctor, it helps a lot to build a relationship up with one GP.
    Uni is very lonely at first. It takes ages to settle in. I didn't meet anyone until my second year. All I can say is stick it out and remember that there's loads of other people on that campus feel the same way you do. We've just got to figure a way to get you all together.
    I can't help with the home situation but I can tell you that I'm supporting you all the way. You're an incredible young woman Kirsty and you have a great future ahead of you. I'm going to celebrate every success you have.
    Lots of hugs
    PS Back at work today so won't be posting during the day time now. Try to get back on tonight. xxx
     
  15. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    Hey,
    you are sweet. . .
    hmm no clubs or societies; really didn't have the confidence when i came to do that, just too difficult.

    Anyway thank you. . . hope today went ok for you :)
    xx
     
  16. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    My day was fine thank you, not too taxing.
    You should think about the clubs and societies Kirsty but you have to know which one to go for. That way, it doesn't actually take that much confidence to go.
    You have to think about what sort of people you want to meet and then work out which society is likely to have those sort of people. It would be nice to think that each society had a nice cross section of people but the truth is, they don't.
    If you're not feeling confident, then you need to think about which group would be most welcoming.
    You would expect any religious group to be welcoming for example because you can guarantee the religion will have some sort of 'welcome all' belief.
    'Competitive' interests might not be a good idea unless you're a competitive person.
    What interests do you have?
    xxx
     
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