I am someone who has suffered from depression in the past, and part of that is naurally thoughts of suicide, although it is something that is always overcome by the will to carry on, have a life etc. That will is now gone. I am 31 years old and alone. My husband of 5 years, my best and only friend, the rock who has helped me heal through so much in the past left me 2 weeks ago. He had an affair with my bosses wife and is now living with her. I would never have thought him capable of the things he has said or done. I had major surgery 1 week ago and this is something that had been schedled for a year. He abandoned me at the most vulnerable point in my life. I have no family or support system and everyday i cry over the loss of my only true friend. I try not to think about the betrayal or the total destuction of my life, hopes and dreams, but i cant help it. I have tried reaching out to so many people that i would never even call friends just to try and stay functional, but obviously that does not work. I went to the emergency room and they gave me antipsychotics, but they dont help and i just feel worse for takng them. I am not bipolar or schzophrenic so why do i need those meds. I saw a counsellor yesterday and she told me on the depression scale a lvl 30 or higher is a serious risk of mental breakdown and it will come, that you cannot continue to function. I scored a 49. The only thing keeping me going are my dogs, they are my children, but i even notice i am not taking care of them very well. This is the third time in my life that a major long term relationship has collapsed and it is easily a thousand tmes more devastating. I cannot find a way to move forward, but what scares me is that i dont want to. I am tired of life, i am tired of being unloved and depressed and although i dont have the courage to do anything to myself i dont want to be here anymore. I spent 7 years waiting for this major life changing surgery (bariatric) and all i do everyday is wish i hadnt pulled through and had died in the OR. I leave my home and hope i get in a fatal car accident. I dont know where to turn.