hoping for hope

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by whatsthepoint1, Dec 19, 2012.

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  1. Hello, all,

    I've put this off long enough...

    I suppose like most of us here, I'm trying to heal, and hope I will be able to connect with others that are hurting. Maybe even find friendship.

    I've been living with a sister for the past two weeks, and the prior two weeks were spent in the nuthouse after attempting suicide (my sister doesn't like the word nuthouse, but it's MY experience, not hers - I hope it doesn't offend anyone here! The reason I like it is because it's easier to say and adds a little levity to what I did to get me put in it).

    My life has gone to hell in a handbasket this past year. I experienced a severe trauma in the fall of 2011, lost all my friends (turns out they all betrayed me, deceived me), my beloved dog was poisoned, made a BAD decision to run off with a man that promised to take care of me and he ended up being a narcissist that tortured my soul for eight months, then dumped me. I've lost my job, my home, car, everything. Now I'm in limbo, waiting, always waiting. Trying to work on getting approved for disability. My main goal is to get my own place, even if it's a dump - I'd love to live in a dump! - by myself.

    I'm an empath. In case you've never heard that term (I didn't until the narcissist told me about it), it means that you are hypersensitive, absorb negative energy from people around you, and have to learn how to ground, etc. I guess you could also call me a bleeding heart. I've made the mistake of researching corporate farms (I was raised on a farm, a real farm, where the cows were allowed to live like cows are supposed to live), puppy mills, learned too much about where our food comes from and how we're being poisoned with dangerous pesticides. I've kept my eyes open for too long and now I'm weary of the hate and meanness and corruption in the world. The love of money and power is what's going to end the world. I'm a pacificist.

    I have social anxiety disorder, and believe I have dissociative identity disorder as well. I have recovered memories of sexual abuse by a neighbor boy, and think that one of my dad's friends molested me too. I haven't gotten to talk to a counselor about any of this - I was just warehoused in the nuthouse for 15 days, saw the psychiatrist for about 1 minutes a day, and took the meds. I also despise the meds. Is feeling nothing better than feeling bad? The jury's still out on that one. And I believe I was a victim of ritual abuse.

    I'm also non conventional in my religious beliefs. Was confirmed in the Lutheran church, but I don't practice it anymore. I'm into metaphysical, new age things, and make no apologizes for it. I'm too old to give much attention to the prejudices of others. I accept all people for who they are, respect their beliefs etc. But I admit I have a low tolerance for rude and mean people.

    I feel used abused raw. And I'm tired.

    I do have some hope. Not a lot, just a little. Which is more than I could have said yesterday...

    I'm not setting any goals too high, it's only brought me pain and rejection and disappointment.

    I like to write, read, cook, bake, play video games (some), I paint with watercolors, but not very well, I like gardening, taking long walks, yoga, making people laugh (I used to be funny), animals, especially dogs, but I like cats too. If I thought I could attain it, I'd go back to school and become a pastry chef. But I don't dare dream anymore. I've decided that it's futile. I don't believe that anything will ever go right for me again.

    At least today I don't feel like dying.

    I hope this doesn't turn everybody off.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun no judgement here from anyone. I am sorry your life has been so full of trauma hun and sadness I am glad you are reaching out for support hun lots of caring people here. It is ok to dream hun to reach out for the things YOU want ok You deserve that now kindness for you hugs
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Sandy, pleased to meet you and hope that you will find encouragement and support here at SF - I understand what you mean about being an empath - and as with most things, it has its plusses and minusses - I've been through some of the stuff you describe, including some time in the nuthouse when I could not carry on - but that was 15 years ago, and have found new hope in the journey since - so I know it is there to offer to others :)
  4. thank you for your sweet reply, Total. I really didn't think anyone would respond. I've come to the conclusion tho that what people deserve and what they get is rarely the same. checking in here tho does help a little. you're a sweetie pie, and I appreciate your kind words.
  5. I appreciate the encouragement, urprecious.

    I also have social anxiety disorder so I often have trouble relating to others, even online. Sometimes I come off as condescending or abrupt, and never mean to. I hope I don't have that problem here.

    My hopes for whatever, anything different than what I've been driven to, are tempered by a lifetime of disappointment. My history is one of hoping and working for something, and having those hopes dashed. This has made me feel that even trying is futile.

    Sorry for the bummer reply. I felt pretty good yesterday, but not as good today...can't wait for the holidays to be over.

    I sometimes go to the chatroom, but usually dont "talk" a lot. I go mostly to feel like I belong somewhere, like I'm not alone (even tho I prefer to be alone-I know I know, it's a contradiction). Reaching out has always been hard for me as the ratio of acceptance to rejection has always been skewed to the rejection side. Anyway, if I see you in there I'll try and engage a little more.

    Thank you again for replying. It made me feel better... :rose:
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I do understand about rejection Sandy, believe me........ we start out fresh, with hope when we are younger- in the belief that life will be good to us and then the c**p starts to happen - but that does not mean it isn't meant to, like we think it does.
    In an ideal world, of course it would not - but then all sunshine and no rain makes a desert. I look back on my times of rejection from those who I thought I could bank on to not reject - and it's taught me a whole lotta stuff that I would not know otherwise, and for that I'm beginning to be grateful :)

    I don't go to chat - hardly at all - but if you would like to PM please do :)
  7. anibarry121

    anibarry121 Member

    I'm totally new to this site, but what you said hit me hard. I never realized that there was a "condition "with a name to it for the way I feel. I've always said that I feed off of others' moods and energy, good and bad. If I talk about it most people just shake their head and look at me funny. Good to know that that at least isn't odd. there rest of why I'm here is something I'm still trying to figure out. catch up with you another time I hope.
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