Hello, all, I've put this off long enough... I suppose like most of us here, I'm trying to heal, and hope I will be able to connect with others that are hurting. Maybe even find friendship. I've been living with a sister for the past two weeks, and the prior two weeks were spent in the nuthouse after attempting suicide (my sister doesn't like the word nuthouse, but it's MY experience, not hers - I hope it doesn't offend anyone here! The reason I like it is because it's easier to say and adds a little levity to what I did to get me put in it). My life has gone to hell in a handbasket this past year. I experienced a severe trauma in the fall of 2011, lost all my friends (turns out they all betrayed me, deceived me), my beloved dog was poisoned, made a BAD decision to run off with a man that promised to take care of me and he ended up being a narcissist that tortured my soul for eight months, then dumped me. I've lost my job, my home, car, everything. Now I'm in limbo, waiting, always waiting. Trying to work on getting approved for disability. My main goal is to get my own place, even if it's a dump - I'd love to live in a dump! - by myself. I'm an empath. In case you've never heard that term (I didn't until the narcissist told me about it), it means that you are hypersensitive, absorb negative energy from people around you, and have to learn how to ground, etc. I guess you could also call me a bleeding heart. I've made the mistake of researching corporate farms (I was raised on a farm, a real farm, where the cows were allowed to live like cows are supposed to live), puppy mills, learned too much about where our food comes from and how we're being poisoned with dangerous pesticides. I've kept my eyes open for too long and now I'm weary of the hate and meanness and corruption in the world. The love of money and power is what's going to end the world. I'm a pacificist. I have social anxiety disorder, and believe I have dissociative identity disorder as well. I have recovered memories of sexual abuse by a neighbor boy, and think that one of my dad's friends molested me too. I haven't gotten to talk to a counselor about any of this - I was just warehoused in the nuthouse for 15 days, saw the psychiatrist for about 1 minutes a day, and took the meds. I also despise the meds. Is feeling nothing better than feeling bad? The jury's still out on that one. And I believe I was a victim of ritual abuse. I'm also non conventional in my religious beliefs. Was confirmed in the Lutheran church, but I don't practice it anymore. I'm into metaphysical, new age things, and make no apologizes for it. I'm too old to give much attention to the prejudices of others. I accept all people for who they are, respect their beliefs etc. But I admit I have a low tolerance for rude and mean people. I feel used abused raw. And I'm tired. I do have some hope. Not a lot, just a little. Which is more than I could have said yesterday... I'm not setting any goals too high, it's only brought me pain and rejection and disappointment. I like to write, read, cook, bake, play video games (some), I paint with watercolors, but not very well, I like gardening, taking long walks, yoga, making people laugh (I used to be funny), animals, especially dogs, but I like cats too. If I thought I could attain it, I'd go back to school and become a pastry chef. But I don't dare dream anymore. I've decided that it's futile. I don't believe that anything will ever go right for me again. At least today I don't feel like dying. I hope this doesn't turn everybody off.