Horrible day, finished with a jerk on Youtube upset because I didn't know his name.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sweetrelief, Aug 2, 2012.

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  1. sweetrelief

    sweetrelief Member

    Title about says it all.

    I have a partner now. Long distance so it isn't easy. It's painful being apart and I'm worried I'll destroy him with how I feel.

    I'm sort of coping, but then something will trigger me off.

    The title is actually a common occurrence. Sometimes I don't even see it coming.

    I'm terrible with names anyway. So I don't want to call an affronted strange by his name, so what?

    Now I'm triggered and just feel so shitty. I kicked my desk. It's 1AM here so I shouldn't be doing that.

    I don't really expect answers. I just want to type it out.

    Why can't I cope with this crap? And why does it get harder every year? Surely I should have toughened up to it by now?

    A wonderful end to a terrible day, feeling ill and depressed and now full on suicidal.

    I'm sorry everyone. I don't know why I expect/deserve support because goodness knows I'm a selfish bastard.
  2. Cariad_Bach

    Cariad_Bach Staff Alumni

    Re: Horrible day, finished with a jerk on Youtube upset because I didn't know his nam

    - its all I've got. But maybe it will help?
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 2, 2012
  3. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Re: Horrible day, finished with a jerk on Youtube upset because I didn't know his nam

    This might annoy you, but I don't exactly understand what your post means in terms of finishing? Do you mean to say that you were privately intimate over an image/video that you found on youtube?

    Or that you argued with someone on youtube? I am not quite sure it's safe for me to assume what you meant. Would it be alright if I asked you to explain the circumstance more?

    If your post does relate to something sexually intimate, are you suggesting that you feel like you are betraying the long distance partner by not being sexually loyal to them all the time?

    Or do you feel like you are maybe even betraying yourself, and wish maybe that your life had a better quality than it does? There seems to be a few themes going on in your post, but I would need more clarification to really know if I am even having any direction in my own response.
  4. sweetrelief

    sweetrelief Member

    Re: Horrible day, finished with a jerk on Youtube upset because I didn't know his nam

    Sorry for the confusion.

    You're right that I did kind of blurt out a ton of stuff at once. My apologies.

    Someone annoyed me on Youtube and I stressed out to my partner, but it got us both a bit upset.

    That help?
  5. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Re: Horrible day, finished with a jerk on Youtube upset because I didn't know his nam

    YESSS< oh boy was I in the wrong direction. (Just you said jerk, and 1am and how you shouldn't be doing it... oh boy is my mind in the gutter?)

    Ah. Someone wise told me that emotions run higher on the internet. That people are more emotional through the "computer screen". We say things here, online, that we'd never have the courage to say in real life. Sometimes those things are about ourselves... sometimes those things are against others. Sometimes the things are about our opinions or core values...

    The anonymity of the internet, even with our usernames and possibly photographs out there on our profiles, still gives us that tiny edge of permission to maybe be a bit more of ourself with less control. Youtube is a great example of that, where many people feel like they have a free pass to say what they want in video comments...to each other ...about the video makers, about the people in the video itself.

    Often times those statements become very mean. People can easily forget that their words sting, or that someone on the other end, is still a human being, who reads those words. It's not unnatural to react to what someone else has to say though. It means that your core values are being challenged. It means that you are affected... it means that you do have things you care about.

    Obviously it's a lot harder to express that to someone on the other end of youtube, than it would be to your partner in real life. It's much easier for the partner to feel and see that reaction... than it is for the youtube person to. I wouldn't say that's not something you should be doing, or something that shouldn't happen.

    It does happen. Sometimes our reactions are dumped on someone we didn't want them to be, but the real dynamics of a relationship should be ones that still have your partner understanding that it wasn't their fault, and kind of knowing by now what to expect, and how to take it in stride.

    I hope your partner did that, seems like they may have in the end, kind of figured out it was something else getting to you.

    If all else fails, something that I do when I find myself very argumentative online, is remove myself from that site. There ARE sites for every single one of us that will really push our buttons with what people have to say and how they say it...and the fact that we are able to respond on those sites is all the more encouraging to us to really let loose and tear people a new one sometimes.

    But as you know, it really only means something is getting the better of us... and that's a horrible thing to realize.

    I will give you a piece of advice though, that I learned when I took a specific therapy group... it's that we may be triggered by something, and then take that trigger into something else. I.E. one thing could bother you, then suddenly you are having a full blown argument with your partner, or having a very heated spat out of nowhere...

    In those situations, it's one of your complexes being activated. The complex is saying that it needs to defend itself, and protect itself, so it lashes back now at anyone getting in the way, and that's usually one's partner or family or friends...or anyone in the room at that point. It's purpose is to break down the threat, as it sees it, as quickly as possible.

    Complexes are trying to hide deeper core concerns, so they try and destroy the triggers. Your reaction could have very well been something that you probably need to address deeper down, but your complex is protecting it. It's probably something very painful, that may take some real digging to figure out.

    Unfortunately too, until it's addressed, it will keep reacting this way... as a sort of way to get attention, and to be in control over something that deep inside there still is no control over, because it still has not been addressed.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 2, 2012
  6. sweetrelief

    sweetrelief Member

    Re: Horrible day, finished with a jerk on Youtube upset because I didn't know his nam

    Thanks for the help people. I do feel a bit better today. I apologise for sounding so silly before. Sometimes I just need to let it out and it's not pretty.
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