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Horrible person

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by lautanner, Jan 30, 2014.

  1. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    I am a 31 year old woman who was stuck in a bad marriage for ten years. Every time I asked my husband for a divorce, he would threaten suicide. Finally, I had an affair. That ended the marriage. Now I am alone for the first time in my life. Loss triggers severe depression for me. Knowing that my own actions led to this pain makes me feel even more ashamed. I cannot get out of this shame. I fell in love with this other man, but he dropped me after three months, which I deserved. I was seeing a therapist when all of this was going on, but I left her because I didn't feel she was helping me. I am drinking more than ever, taking Xanax, taking Citalopram, feeling like I want to die. I have no self-respect or self-worth and everyone keeps telling me that I just need TIME......I feel that all time has done is harden the emotional scar tissue. I have no family and the few friends I had backed out of my life after I had the affair. I do not feel that I deserve redemption, acceptance, or forgiveness.
  2. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    there's an aspect of freedom here though. which you wanted

    how is the ex husband now? or do you not know...
  3. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    My ex husband is so much happier now. We are still friends. But every time I am with him I think of my actions. I wanted freedom, yes. But I don't know what to do with it and it is frightening to me now.
  4. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    I miss having someone to hold me at night. That sounds stupid but it's the truth. I feel like I am worthless unless someone wants me. My ex husband was a good man who just wasn't physically attracted to me. He might be gay, but we haven't discussed that much. My biggest problem is that I miss the man I had the affair with. I miss him every day.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 30, 2014
  5. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    what was most likable about that whole experience that you miss
  6. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    I miss having a man in my life who cared about what I had to say and who appreciated my body.
  7. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    affection, intimacy, respect, care?
    idk if time is what you need, personally. need to reach out for those things
    time is like waiting around, maybe it'll come, maybe not
    reach for it
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hiya, I am sorry you're feeling so down. I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago..I felt alone and worthless for some time but I will admit that time did help these feelings. Right now I can walk around the shops, see the valentines gifts and cards and it doesn't bother me at all. Also, try and go easy on the xanax, they are highly addictive. Xanax is a road I never want to go down again!
  9. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    I am not sure how to reach out for those things. I find myself craving casual encounters with men I barely know to try and recapture the feeling.
  10. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    all i'm going to say is this... no matter how you did it... i am glad that you got yourself out of your marriage if you believed it to be bad and he was denying you divorce.... perhaps your method was not what is thought to be moral, or righteous, or etc.... and yes, you will hurt for a time... if you are like me, hurt very badly for a time... but now you have a chance at finding happiness again. you have more courage than i.... you did good.
  11. Kairo

    Kairo Well-Known Member

    This sounds like such a hard point in your life. To lose everyone you know best or were intimate with in such a short time ... I can imagine the depression that would come from that. It is a great loss...I’m so sorry. But that doesn’t mean it’s not for the better in some ways...I agree with demuredawn in that respect. But maybe you’ve heard all of this before and are tired of hearing it. I know it’s not easy to look to the future when you’re stuck in the middle of such mourning and regret over the past. It doesn’t help when people say you need more time...even if perhaps you do.
    Would you consider therapy again with someone else?
    Can you think of anything that might motivate you to find happiness in your new life? If time has to pass... I suppose it’s best spent trying to fade away the scars.

    Thank you for talking to me before by the way :)
    I think it’s one of the hardest things to have sympathy and kindness towards yourself. Just know that you deserve that. And even if it’s not easy right now, I hope you can at least find it from people here.
  12. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the support. I am trying to be a better person. It helps to know that there are others out there who mistreat themselves and are trying to be better.
  13. mbczion

    mbczion Well-Known Member

    I recently divorced my ex-wife (it has been a little more than 3 months). I am having feeling of post divorce loneliness myself (not because I miss my ex, I miss her like the flu, but because I have kind of fallen off the map in my community and people are not even calling to ask me how I am doing, let alone inviting me over for meals or the like). What is keeping me going is my two kids. I am getting counseling and it is helping to talk with somebody objective.

    If you want to PM me I am all ears....