Horrible thoughts *sure as fuck triggered me :(

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by jameslyons, Mar 2, 2009.

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  1. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    I can't help thinking back to when I was raped. They may as well just fucking kill kids if they're going to abuse them. No more than two fucking times and I can't get over if - Twenty- years ago this October. Twenty fucking years.

    I mean, that guy sure did pull a number on me. Anyhow I waas sitting around and I got to thinking some crazy thoughts. They are crazy too. In the movie twin Peaks : Fire Walk With Me. This girl dies after a horrible life and is brought to this parallel creepy other world - a few bits of furniture, a checkered floor, and red velvet walls. Then this girl sees an angel of herself disappear and she's left alone.

    There's two worlds. The normal world and then the other world. The dark world where things happen to people, and where monsters roam. Sometimes you enter that world by doing bad things, other times. you get pulled in for the pettiest of reasons.

    Anyhow, I got to thinking about little James. And I started crying because I'm terrified that somewhere the good me, the little six year old James is trapped and suffering the same trauma over and over again. That little me, was abandoned by me - that I'm responsible for his continuing suffering. And that I'm a twisted copy of that little boy, and I left him behind without protecting him.

    The reason I'm depressed and sufering is because I left that little boy behind. And I didn't help him. And now there's no good in me because "me" is the thing taht escaped from the dark world. I'm so afraid for that little boy in there.

    I can't have oral sex performed on me. I just feel it all again - being separated from the other boys, being told to lay on a table, told to lay back as my pants are taken down, and then the horrible feeling of having all my genitals consumed....That's gross sorry...but I just want you to know that it is that sensation that I remember. Each time. And when it happens I feel small again, I feel fear again, and being powerless. But I feel it's so real and present. And the monster is there again and the world outside ceases to be, and there's only him huting me. In all the universe there is only that. And I'm alone.

    Now who is James Lyons twenty years later? A shell of a person. A walking blackhole who's only writing this because he couldn't kill himself off. I am a standing product of the monster. I got out of that room, but Jamie , as he was called, didn't. And I can't shake the feeling that if I died than six year old Jamie would be freed from his hell.

    Isn't that nuts?

    What a weird thing to feel guilty for. Does anyone else feel this way?
  2. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 2, 2009
  3. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    yes, i can relate to that feeling a LOT. I feel like I left my little girl way back there and she is the one crying now for someone to help her. I don't think its nuts at all, I think it is what happens when you experience trauma. I wish I knew how to make it better, but I am still on that journey myself. I thank you though for sharing, your words are powerful and I think just talking about how you feel is one way to start to heal. I know how hard it is though and how haunting it is and how much it feels like it will never go away. It's not you though, the people that hurt you should be suffering, there is nothing wrong with YOU, you did not do anything wrong, you were innocent. I hope you can find some peace and strength in knowing that you survived the worst of it, and you can recover.
  4. Alais

    Alais Well-Known Member

    James, I feel a lot like you do. I keep my 4 and 8 year olds locked up inside of me. Sometimes they come out but not that often (I have DID). I often think that if I die, I can set us ALL free (I have 12 personalities). You're handling it very well. You're still here. As long as you're alive, so is Jamie. Keep fighting for the both of you.
  5. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member


    Thanks guys. I sure hate when the crazy comes out, but you guys make me feel better. :)

  6. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Thank you, James for posting this...I have been emotionally being the little girl who gave up years ago all day today. It helps to remember that it wasn't the child's fault.

    Your words have touched me - be strong - you are young and have alot of life yet to go. Keep trying to heal, you are worth it.
  7. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    thatss a perspective i never thought of.
    some part of me did die all those times.
    the feeling in my throat each time as if the life was being choked out of me.panic my my chest, but yet frozen to do anything.
    :hug: james you havent let jamie down. if anything your doing him proud by still standing.
  8. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member


    Not again....

    The world is painted black and I feel as though I'm naked in a wet storm. I fear what lies behind me, what lies in wait in my closet, or in the bathroom, or in the rubbish bin. I cry in terror at the thought of being abused again; I feel as though if I think too much about it all, I'll open my eyes and there he'll be. I don't want to be hurt anymore and I don't want to go about with teh feeling of emptiness anymore. I can't function in this world so long as I'm battling for my sanity from the otherworld. I'll never be able to recover, I am defined by the abuse, I have nothing left. I am nothing but the old wound. Bled out and dry. I wish there was somebody to save me, but they're all gone. I'm living in Hell. Maybe I deserve it. I can only hurt people who are close to me, I'm incapable of returning love. I'm a monster to them.

    I'm a monster who abandoned a little boy in a room. And I'm responsible for not helping him recover. He's being abused right now by a man who is tall and strong and who later in life I'll consider is handsome. What is my sexuality? I like woman, but I'm technically bisexual. We all experiment when we're younger. I was just lucky and had a thirty year old experiment with me. What's the problem with that? That's hot, no? A little fantasy for all those people out there. They need little boys like me. To feed off me, and to suck me so they can get their rocks off. It was just a blowjob, I didn't hurt the kid, he thinks to himself. He still thinks to himself. He responded to it in the prepubescent ways they do. It's not liked I raped him. I have a problem, but overall I'm a good guy. He thinks this while trying to hide that he's got a growing erection. He'd be about fifty now. I wonder if he knew that he still haunts me and that I cut open my muscle because of him?

    Clearly, I haven't recovered from that attack. I wish I could better articulate how much sorrow and guilt I feel! I just feel so bad for the little six year old me. I can suffer through it, but thinking back to the small kid. It's just horrible. And to think one day you woke up and you're young and innocent and all you care about is fucking pretending to be a rat or dinosaur, then twelve hours later you've got some guy's mouth engulfing your penis and you don't know what to think about, because it's not pleasurable and it's not unpleasant besides it bizarreness. Then you go about your day and you're a bit uncomfortable around adults and you don't want to think about it and you don't. Over the years you stop remembering. And with that memory you don't remember a lot of your childhood. And you continue to not remember much, but every time somebody mentions oral sex you feel like a little kid again and you cross your legs and if you keep thinking and wondering why you feel that way, you start to cry. So you don't think about it. You go on with your life.

    And then something happens and you can no longer not remember it. And it follows you around and it becomes vibrant and fresh and it repeats itself again and again. And you cry and cry and cry. Because you realize it's always been haunting you and it's been handicapping you in everything you do. And finally it's twenty years later and you have nothing left. Because you realize that while you've been laboring under the guise of this person, James Lyons, you're in fact not him. Because he died so long ago.

    Then you get angry. But it's a mourning anger. You know that you're fucked. Because nobody gets over abuse. And all those years that were marred by phantom stress and anxiety and self-loathing and depression and suicide attempts were a result of a stranger's selfish sexual impulse. And your life has been robbed away, so of course you feel empty and depressed. Cause there's nothing there and that guy goes about unharassed in his life, wherever he is. And you're stuck with the baggage. What type of survivor will you be ?

    Will you be emotionally delayed? Will you be emotionally cut off? Will you overly sexual or sexually avoidant ?

    Your child, you as a six year old had to deal with this when an adult pulled you from everything, throws you a dark cell, then abandons you there. I mean the monstrosity in leading Jamie from the other cub scouts is horrible. That short walk was the end of it all. That the moment I separated from everything good and that was the moment when I was blinded to what life has to offer. And what's the point of going on? Regardless of where you are, you...the real you is abandoned in the dark.
  9. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Just a positive thought.

    Feeling hopeful tonight.
  10. Daisy

    Daisy Active Member

    I wonder if Jamie is your inner child. Maybe if you tried to write that 6 year old little boy a letter or connect with him you would be able to help Jamie get away from where he is locked up.
    Just a thought. :)
  11. sithspit

    sithspit Well-Known Member

    I don't want to say I "enjoyed" reading what you've put, but it is mesmerising, if only because I don't feel anyone has articulated these feelings as brilliantly as you have here.
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