-POSSIBLY TRIGGERING-
Sessions with my therapist have come to a close, so I will express myself here.
Saturday I came to a realization that is more than horrifying, but that's the only word to use:
I should have killed myself at age 10-11 when that desire to end it all first came about. I felt then and there that my life would never improve, only 16 years later to realize even at that age I was right. My anguish has never ceased, and the only 'life' I have made for myself consists of stagnation. Not only do I wish a plan was carried out due to my ongoing torment, but because I have formed a relationship to where I cannot kill myself for his sake. Had I done it back then, I would have avoided this decade and a half pain along with the responsibility of harming someone else.
I have become even more lifeless and feel incredibly hollow.
What will the next 10 years bring - the thought makes me shudder.
I'm trapped.
Sessions with my therapist have come to a close, so I will express myself here.
Saturday I came to a realization that is more than horrifying, but that's the only word to use:
I should have killed myself at age 10-11 when that desire to end it all first came about. I felt then and there that my life would never improve, only 16 years later to realize even at that age I was right. My anguish has never ceased, and the only 'life' I have made for myself consists of stagnation. Not only do I wish a plan was carried out due to my ongoing torment, but because I have formed a relationship to where I cannot kill myself for his sake. Had I done it back then, I would have avoided this decade and a half pain along with the responsibility of harming someone else.
I have become even more lifeless and feel incredibly hollow.
What will the next 10 years bring - the thought makes me shudder.
I'm trapped.