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Hospital Or Not?

Jane65

Active Member
#1
I am in such a terrible state that I know I am really unsafe and struggling to keep myself safe 10mins at a time. I have a therapist whi#om I saw on tuesday and I told her what I was thinking of doing so we made a safety plan for that evening. I have Dissocaitive Identity Disorder and so the therapist said she wanted to believe that the collective would make sure we stayed safe even though I am at very high risk. She asked me if I thought she should call someone in to the room with a view to having me sectioned and I begged her not to because I am terrified of hospirtal on so many levels. On a very practical physical level, they never get my pain meds sorted out quickly enough to avoid me going through morphine withdrawal and I end up in excrutiating pain because they don't believe me when I tell them what and how much drugs I am prescribed. At home Ihave a specialist hospital bed and airflow matress that aleviated pain but most importantly prevents pressure sores. The last twice I have been sectioned they were unable to provide an appropriate bed so I had little sleep because of the pain and left both time with nasty pressure sores that took ages to heal. thye just dont get medical needs at all and if you try to push they you get labelled as attention seeking ad manipulative. The past 2 admissions they have also placed me on a mixed sex ward which has meant that I am too scared to leave my room and some of the staff refused to bring meals to me despite this having been agreed.

Hospital is just the worst place to be and yet...... some would say it's where I need to be right now it order to stay alive long enough to get the help Ineed to feel a bit in a better place. I can see that point of view but Iam terrified of asking for help in case they end up sectioning me.

I don't know what to do just to get through tonight. I have tried to meditate and I have had a hot drink and a cuddle with my dog and I have a polished stone I stroke in my hand to try to keep me grounded.

One of the Alters is really goading me to just get on with it and he is really hard to ignore when I am feeling so mixed up. I know there are other Alters who want us to stay alive but I am frustrated that they are not taking over and they are just leaving me to deal with this agnoising decsion i feel totally unable to manage.

Any advice please?
 
#2
Sorry that you're going through this Jane.

Is there anything anything in your safety plan that might help?

I'm not sure if your safety plan follows the same format as the safety plan template that we have on SF, but it might be worth checking out.

Is your therapist the only person you can contact in an emergency?

I hope something can help.
 
#3
Here's a link to the SF safety plan template

https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/read-this-first-safety-forum.134852/

It sounds like the critical things are

1 Finding distractions or support to help you get through tonight

2 Being able to identify if you have to go to the hospital or not

I'm not sure how you would be able to make a decision about 2. It sounds like calling a suicide crisis line might be the next best step if you find that you can't do anything to get through tonight. They are probably the most qualified available support resource.

Ok, so

1 dog cuddles
2 meditation
3 grounding stone
4 hot drink

...are the grounding methods you've used so far. Is there anything else? Maybe music, or a picture that you like? Do you have something like a favorite fragrance or shampoo, or something that you like to smell?
 

Jane65

Active Member
#4
Dear Mr May

Tank you for taking the time to reply. I carried on trying to use my safety plan and to a degree it did work as one of my Alters rang 999 to prevent us going through with the urges. I spent the rest of the night in A & E but thankfully have been allowed home with a great deal of support today from the specialist therapy service I am lucky enough to receive. They have been so helpful today and have come up with a plan of how they will approach the care agency to try to ensure they follow the agreed protocols and keep in touch with me when they need to change things for any reason.

The problems with the carers were the final straw that pushed me outside of my window of tolerance. My support worker has said he is going to help me work on developing strategies to identify when things are becoming dangerous much earlier and also construct a plan that I can use to try to keep myself safe more effectively.

I am still feeling very wobbly but oh so grateful not to have been sectioned which really would have felt like a far worse result that dying for me. I am absolutely terrified of being in hospital.

I am off to get an early night but just want to thank you and the others who supported me in the chat room. Your concern and genuine care meant a great deal to me. Thank you,

Jane x
 

KM76710

SWCA3110-SWHF625
SF Supporter
#7
Dear Mr May

Tank you for taking the time to reply. I carried on trying to use my safety plan and to a degree it did work as one of my Alters rang 999 to prevent us going through with the urges. I spent the rest of the night in A & E but thankfully have been allowed home with a great deal of support today from the specialist therapy service I am lucky enough to receive. They have been so helpful today and have come up with a plan of how they will approach the care agency to try to ensure they follow the agreed protocols and keep in touch with me when they need to change things for any reason.

The problems with the carers were the final straw that pushed me outside of my window of tolerance. My support worker has said he is going to help me work on developing strategies to identify when things are becoming dangerous much earlier and also construct a plan that I can use to try to keep myself safe more effectively.

I am still feeling very wobbly but oh so grateful not to have been sectioned which really would have felt like a far worse result that dying for me. I am absolutely terrified of being in hospital.

I am off to get an early night but just want to thank you and the others who supported me in the chat room. Your concern and genuine care meant a great deal to me. Thank you,

Jane x
Very glad to see that you found comfort and caring here, this is a fine place for it and hope you stick around.
 

Jane65

Active Member
#10
Feeling really grotty today. I cant face ringing the crisis team. The person who answers has no prior knowledge so I have to repeat everything that's happened this week but they dont seem to really want to listens they quickly move on to suggesting making a cup of tea and finding something to do. If I could do that I wouldn't have rung the in the first place.
I have no idea why they call the crisis team a hospital service in your own home when the absolute best they can offer is telephone platitudes and if you are really luck a visit every 2-3 days for 5mins whenxalk they seem to be doing to a fresh risk assessment about whether you are safe to be left at home. I have long since learnt to tie through those and even when it's obvious I'm lying they really are not interested... too many cases to manage in too little time so all they can manage is tick boxing.

I'm trying hard to stay safe but seriously pondering whether it is worth it and oh so wishing I had been successful the other night so this torment could all be over.
Sorry to be so miserable.
 

Jane65

Active Member
#12
Thank you May. Much appreciated. I am still waiting for a promised urgent call back 4hrs ago. Wondering how they define urgent........

I'm so struggling to get through each block of 10mins. (I hope that doesn't breach the rules.... it's not a count down but more a way of making surviving into manageable chunks) off to feed the dog now. That will take up most of the next chunk of time. Will make me a mug of tea too.

Thanks for responding May xxx
 

MisterBGone

o O Oo oO oOo O ooo..!;)~
SF Supporter
#13
Thank you May. Much appreciated. I am still waiting for a promised urgent call back 4hrs ago. Wondering how they define urgent........

I'm so struggling to get through each block of 10mins. (I hope that doesn't breach the rules.... it's not a count down but more a way of making surviving into manageable chunks) off to feed the dog now. That will take up most of the next chunk of time. Will make me a mug of tea too.

Thanks for responding May xxx
I think they define it by when they are good and ready! :) Or done with their next coffee & tea, soda & snacks breaks. . . Ah, but then if their smokers, there's quite possibly that too. ;) I'm sure you're coming up somewhere on down the line when they're all good & fine! :) I'm teasing, and it's only because I care and can see and understand the frustration you're going through. It's got to be a helpless feeling, when you're asking so deperately for help ~ only to be seemingly shunned; for doing exactly as they say (or so it can feel that way, even if they are only doing the best they can). I'm sure this is a busy time of the year for them. And so I'd guess they've got to prioritize, and maybe when they come by and pay people visits, what they're really doing, aside from what they're supposed to be doing - is covering their bases, so that if you do-do anything stupid, or silly, they can say, "Well, Hey? We asked and listen or look at what they said, or say!" ... When in reality it's about alot more tahn what is merely written on teh page. it's about judgement, detecting accents in behavior, as it says or states, a "risk assessment." You could almost do it with one of those video monitors through an interrogation down at the cop shop, or police station where the witness is looking through teh one-sided, or way glass (mirror). In other words, it's in some ways, and some times, in especial, or particular with cases such as yours--that is to say, where you may be astute or adept enough to be able to, "give them what theyr'e looking for, or what they want to hear!" In order to get them to turn aroudn and walk right out of the door--that tehy need to be mindful of or weary for. In other words, they should be able to sense, tell, or detect what is really goiing on with you. (though I know this is hard, I'd hope that this is something of what they're trained to do).. but tehy are human, at the end of the day. And trained, experienced or not, everyone can make a mistake, get careless or simply have a bad day. I'd suggest keep playing with your god, and talking to us, if that helps! You are worth it. Life- :)
 

Jane65

Active Member
#16
@MisterBGone Your summary of how the crisis team operate was spot on and amused me somewhat too. Thank you for taking the time to reply. Iy oftens feels like they are just trying to protect themselves in casr of a suicide enquiry rather than actually giving a d*mn about how you really are and yes they do take whatever I say at total face value however bl**dy obvious it is that I am either lying or being sarcastic!

I actually thought your mistype of dog/god was quite appropriate and it made me smile when you corrected it.... thank you for the second smile of the day!

I am here for the next 9mins and then I will decide again for another 10mins. Its all I can manage at the moment.

Thank you for caring.
I really like this forum. I wish I has found you a lot longer ago :) Another smile from me Lordy I must be losing it!!
 

Anonymous ID

Well-Known Member
#17
@MisterBGone Your summary of how the crisis team operate was spot on and amused me somewhat too. Thank you for taking the time to reply. Iy oftens feels like they are just trying to protect themselves in casr of a suicide enquiry rather than actually giving a d*mn about how you really are and yes they do take whatever I say at total face value however bl**dy obvious it is that I am either lying or being sarcastic!

I actually thought your mistype of dog/god was quite appropriate and it made me smile when you corrected it.... thank you for the second smile of the day!

I am here for the next 9mins and then I will decide again for another 10mins. Its all I can manage at the moment.

Thank you for caring.
I really like this forum. I wish I has found you a lot longer ago :) Another smile from me Lordy I must be losing it!!
I am glad you are finding the forum helpful, please keep using it. Is there anybody irl you can talk to, visit, or perhaps stay with. Somewhere that makes you feel safe without going to hospital. It's really important to have a support network and I hope you have and use one. Let me now if there is anything you want to talk about that might help. I try to give people advice but I'm not in the best spot myself. I don't mean to be a hypocrite, I just value people like your lives over my own. I hope you make it through the next chunk and every one after that
 

MisterBGone

o O Oo oO oOo O ooo..!;)~
SF Supporter
#18
@MisterBGone Your summary of how the crisis team operate was spot on and amused me somewhat too. Thank you for taking the time to reply. Iy oftens feels like they are just trying to protect themselves in casr of a suicide enquiry rather than actually giving a d*mn about how you really are and yes they do take whatever I say at total face value however bl**dy obvious it is that I am either lying or being sarcastic!

I actually thought your mistype of dog/god was quite appropriate and it made me smile when you corrected it.... thank you for the second smile of the day!

I am here for the next 9mins and then I will decide again for another 10mins. Its all I can manage at the moment.

Thank you for caring.
I really like this forum. I wish I has found you a lot longer ago :) Another smile from me Lordy I must be losing it!!
I'm glad you found it somewhat helpful, and amusing, because I'm never certain just how much of my "tone," is being accurately interpreted, or conveyed? ;) Here's hoping you're feeling ok today, and that if there's anything we can do, just let us know! I honestly, over the years, have probably been helped, in total (or comprehensively, shall we say...) by this forum, than all of the doctors, and hospital visits, and medications, and therapists & psychiatrists combined. . . . Had my first & best p-doc, stuck around & not thrown in the towel relatively early on his outstanding career, maybe I'd feel differently, or things would have wound up with a more balanced scale. But at the end of the day, they (the pro's) can sort of only do, what they do well - & then there's others in our lives, the people in the present ("real world,") & places like here ("not the fake one,") ...but I guess I don't really know what to call it, and in the end it doesn't really matter if these are all just computer generations or code or I don't know what? Artificial & if so they are of some of the highest order of intelligence to be able to understand, and to help, and futhermore, or overall, "get" us! ;) Bottom line, the support you receive, and comfort and feedback, humor whatever. The ability to not have to pretend you are somebody who you are not, or that you can take a break from hiding your "sickness," as it were (like you often have to do around others) is a very relieving feeling. . . For me! :) I'm sorry if this is all so incomprehensible, or "barely coherent," as I am facing multiple distractions at the moment, and trying to read back through some of this, or it, is giving me a major brain cramp. i thought about deleting well over half of it; but then..? :D Hopefully, it's not done the same to you! Best wishes & kind regards.
 

Jane65

Active Member
#19
My brain all over the place tonight. I got a huge headache from crying too much. I think I have escaped being sectioned but it came very close today. It was incredibly scary and it took huge amount of self control not to totally breakdown and give away just how bad things really are.
The crisis team appeared on my door step with a care plan only half an hour after I got back from seeingbtgerspist.... I didn't let them in just took the care plan and threw it down with all the itgervpost and junk on the floor. I told her icdidntcwant tovtdlj Nd shut the door thenxshecwentcaway thank goodness. Going into hospital would be the abdoluteceorse possiblebthing.
 

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