Hospital?

Just spoke to Sam. Apparently they have discussed me going in to hospital. Apparentley a few people think it may be best for me. NO way am I letting that happen.

Sam has asked me if I think it would be beneficial. I said no. I think she will back me. I said it will make things worse and she agreed. But some people have discussed it.

I said to her I was thinking of doing it again. Not in the next few days but over the next couple of weeks. She said she was concerned. I don't know what to do with myself.

 

I'm surprised you can be so honest with Sam, and not fear getting admitted.

I'm struggling right now and its one of the reasons I don't ask for help or talk to a professional. To me, a straight jacket seems worse than a coffin.

 

People are worried about you.. They probably know you good enough to know something isn't right..Why are you afraid of the hospital?? I've been in there ten times and had no problems except being bored to death..I learned real quick to take a book..It helps with all the waiting you do..Please take time and focus on the help other than the end..

 

Hospital is a place to go to be safe hun so you don't self harm maybe try to adjust meds a bit a place of safety

 

You have hospital as an option - you don't have to go if you don't want to go.

Its just there in case!

As for not knowing what to do with yourself, I guess if you connect with enough people then you will find something to do.

Sometimes we already know who we are and what we want - for me, maybe I just create a narrative and stick to it. I pretend to be myself and nobody ( in real life) can see through my cheerful mask.

Something, someone new, always comes along.

And your a student - a bit of an intellectual and you know everyone is pretending - well, most people in some ways.

My lies are honest ones. Telling people I want to die is an over-share for me. Sure - I'll admit it here, but sparingly.

99.9% of the time - I tell others to live and offer a few reasons.

I think you have to keep busy no matter what. You can have too much time on your hands to yourself which leads to worry. Also - try to look at yourself in an objective manner - ask yourself what course of action you would take IF presented with your own 'case'. (it is your life, not some file!)

Thinking about suicide only stops when we think about others. Certain company is good for us in this respect. Someone to phone, someone to visit, friends, meals and a chance to be playful - cheeky and a bit childish.

For a woman female friends are vital when you are down.

And one last thing - you got to accept that when you are in a storm - ANY port will do.

Hospital is preferable to death.

Good luck and God Bless.

 

Hospital is not preferable to death.

I know if I went in to hospital people would know. There would then be nothing for me to lose.

I am embarrassed by the way I am. I get the feeling because I have done a psychology degree, have worked in mental health and am now doing a masters the consensus is I am intelligent so I should no better. I always feel that. I always get "you're an intelligent, pretty, bright young woman"...yadda yadda yadda.

Also, I have worked on the wards in my city. Yes, there are a number of different wards but I have worked on all of the female wards in the county, or I know staff from them because I have worked with them in the past.

So on top of all the feelings I have about it, there is also all of that.

 

So what if you know all the staffs in the wards? You are a human being with emotions and now you need help. At least hospital can keep you safe from harm. :hug:

 

They can't.

It will make things worse.

 

GP just because you are bright, intelligent and a beautiful young woman doesnt mean you cant feel suicidal. Mental illness can affect anyone. Look at all the celebs with mental illness. People like Stephen Fry. One of the most intelligent men on the planrt and he has bipolar disorder. Catherine Zeta Jones who is a beautiful and talented actress. All these people with mental illness. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is extremely difficult working in health and social care. I can totally relate to not wanting to go to hospital seeing as if I got hospitalised I would have to go to the County ward and I worked there on placement as a student. If you carry on being open and honest with Sam you can work around being hospitalised. They can work out plans to help you and for yiur best interests. But you have to be honest or you wont get the help you need. You are so brave. I can only wish to be as brave and courageous as you hun. Keep safe and keep posting xxxx

 

It's the feeling I get from people when I talk to them. A "you should know better" vibe.

I am not seeing Sam for another month. I go away for a week next week and when i return she is off for nearly 3 weeks.

I know I will attempt again. I am formulating plans already. I know, not constructive and not exactly a good way of avoiding hospital if people knew.

 

Im so sorry hun. Make sure you see your Gp when Sams away if you can. Pm me if you need a chat hun xxx

 

I think the worst thing to do is to talk with someone!It's not logical at all!but maybe you need someone to tell you that don't do that!don't you?

 

I find it useful in talking to Sam in that, it's as though she okays my feelings. I will say something about something and say stuff like..."well of course you feel that" or "it's normal that you feel like that". She gives me positive reinforcement about my feelings.

I tried explaining this to her today on the phone and it didn't quite come out right.

So she wants me to still see the CPN. I am not so keen on the idea. I don't want to see anyone really. I want to be left alone to get on with things in my way.

I don't want to hear what I should do... but what would you do if you were in my shoes? And Do you honestly think I should be in hospital?

 

I've been in a psych ward for 3 days, voluntarily. Obviously it depends where you're put, as you should know, but it's not that bad. If you're lucky, you'll get kind and caring and nurses and just be kept safe and given a place to relax. My ward was like that anyway, but I realise I may be 'lucky'.

It's not that hard to 'avoid' hospitalisation, because they apparently try to do whatever they can to keep you out, but you really need to be honest with yourself and them I guess. If you're not feeling safe or self-trusting, then tell them that.

If I was in your shoes atm, I'll be honest and say I would probably be dishonest and worm my way out of it.. I wormed my way out of going in a psych ward last month, but with insight, you know it's not a good idea.

 

I can completely relate. I also have studied psychology, have a doctorate and work in the field and I do think it makes you feel you should be able to deal with it yourself. But as I keep being told 'you are now the client, you can't see your own distorted thinking.'

Although I have told quite a few friends that I have bipolar, and even a couple that I am suicidal there is no way I would want anyone at work to know. I get to work each day, because if they knew then I know I would just give up.

For myself I tend to give hints to the couple of people who know when I start going down and then when it gets to the point that I really want to go through with it (like now) they don't leave me alone for too long, and I get checked up on all the time. It's driving me nuts right now and I just wish they would let me go... but, it keeps me safe (no matter how much I don't want to be safe). I have let my doc know who I saw yesterday (not quite how bad it is, didn't want to go to hospital!) but enough that she made me make two appointments for next week. So that's what I AM currently doing.

So if you can find another way to be safe... an informal suicide watch of friends then may be you can stay out of hospital. Also, some professional that you will meet with regularly whilst Sam is away.

It's difficult. This is all difficult, it's a terrible fight. But you are strong. Asking for help is one of the hardest things to do... but you are worth it. You are worthy.

:hug: