Hi Im Chris, new to this forum am 33 year old male. I put myself in the hospital this Sunday because I was feeling very suicidal and scared I might kill myself. I am currently not drinking but at the time was a few weeks into a drinking bender. I have not called my job in days and will most likely loses it. The best thing I can do now is resign so as not to get fired from a civil service job that way I have a chance of getting another, this will not be the first good job I lost. I have ran up several thousand dollars on my father credit card during this bender that he still does not know about. I have been dealing with alcoholism and depression and whatever else might be wrong with me for over 5 years now. I have been in rehab twice in and out of AA for years, going to therapy for last year and currently was working with a psychiatrist I feel does not listen to me. I stopped taken paxel about 9 days ago cause I did not think it was helping. The reason I am feeling suicidal is I feel 1 my family would have better life's without me around, at least that's how they make me feel. My sister is punishing me again by not talking to me cause I was drinking. Last time she did this it was close to 2 years, I was not invited to holidays or see my niece even though I never showed up for stuff or drank around them in years. The 2nd reason is I have tried for a long time to get out of this cycle and always end up failing, I feel even if I do improve my situation this time eventually I will screw it all up like I always do and I just can't handle it anymore.