Sometimes I wish I could just overdose enough to land me in the hospital, but not dead. Or, just do anything to get me in the hospital. But, an overdose that is enough to go to the hospital, is a risk of dying. And what else would I do to get in the hospital? Everyone is here for their own reason, but whenever I think about suicide, I think, "What the hell am I thinking? I have no reason to do that." Well, I keep telling myself that. Day by day. Eventually, that won't be enough. Really, I do have reasons. I don't have friends, I don't go anywhere. I don't do anything. Considering the path I'm taking in school, I'm not gonna get to college, or be anything. Honestly if you add up all the time in my life that I wasn't in school, probably at least 90% is spent at home. I'm not talking about when I was 5 or anything, talking about now, the past few years, all my teen years really. I'm just about 17 now. You know, when your like 5, just starting school, you're friends with that person just because you both are there. Then, your around 10, finishing up that elementary school(or whatever you call it in your country), and you come among some people who you generally talk to. Then, 12 or 13, finishing up middle school, and it's become pretty well defined who's friend, and who's not. Then your whole high school year you live among those friends, meeting new people as high school goes on. For me, I had a few friends. I lost some, I gained some. It was a while before it hit me, that I never really hung out with anyone. In the end, all I am left with is people I talk to once or twice at school, but nobody to hang out with. The person I talk to the most, I met on Xbox Live, and he lives 1000 miles away. Other people I actually know in person I have random chats with, every once in a while. I want to be in the hospital, laying there, nothing to worry about, don't have to get up, or do anything. Yeah, maybe if I got in there because of overdose, I'd have to go to some sort of ward. I hear it's terrible there, I hear it's not that bad. Really it just depends where you go, and either way, I feel as if I would not really mind it. I don't feel fit for this world. I really don't do anything, I just take up space. The only use I am is for some random chores in my household that I do not want to do. I did once have a good group of friends. I really fucked that shit up, just like everything else. That group of friends was everything I had, until a little joke had gone a little far. I have two friends that know about my situation. I've been told everything that could be said to stop me. Whatever it is they say, it helps me for the time, and then everything comes back. I promise them both that I will talk to them before ever doing anything, and really if I was going to do something, they'd never let me go through with it. I want see how everyone and everything would be after I killed myself. Obviously, this is not possible, but to get the closest, I would have to attempt, and get me in the hospital. I think then I would have the proper time to think, and know what I felt after doing that, and then I'd really know whether or not I'd want to go all the way through. I'm going to get grounded when I get my report card, most likely in a week, for my bad grades. I have never gotten more than one C on a report card. I have 3 D's this time. I will probably get grounded for a long time. Sure they could ground me and not let me go anywhere...oh, wait, I already do that. So, when they ground me, I lose my phone, iPod, computer, Xbox....that's about all I have to do at home, and it'll be gone. I don't know if I'll be able to live through that, I really don't. I'll be sitting in my bed just laying there the whole time...nothing else to do. Thanks to anyone who actually read all of that. I think I needed to let that all out...so, there it is. At this point I don't know what to do.