Hospitalized, Not Killed.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Keiran, Jan 27, 2011.

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  1. Keiran

    Keiran Well-Known Member

    Sometimes I wish I could just overdose enough to land me in the hospital, but not dead. Or, just do anything to get me in the hospital. But, an overdose that is enough to go to the hospital, is a risk of dying. And what else would I do to get in the hospital?

    Everyone is here for their own reason, but whenever I think about suicide, I think, "What the hell am I thinking? I have no reason to do that." Well, I keep telling myself that. Day by day. Eventually, that won't be enough.

    Really, I do have reasons. I don't have friends, I don't go anywhere. I don't do anything. Considering the path I'm taking in school, I'm not gonna get to college, or be anything. Honestly if you add up all the time in my life that I wasn't in school, probably at least 90% is spent at home. I'm not talking about when I was 5 or anything, talking about now, the past few years, all my teen years really. I'm just about 17 now.

    You know, when your like 5, just starting school, you're friends with that person just because you both are there. Then, your around 10, finishing up that elementary school(or whatever you call it in your country), and you come among some people who you generally talk to. Then, 12 or 13, finishing up middle school, and it's become pretty well defined who's friend, and who's not. Then your whole high school year you live among those friends, meeting new people as high school goes on. For me, I had a few friends. I lost some, I gained some. It was a while before it hit me, that I never really hung out with anyone. In the end, all I am left with is people I talk to once or twice at school, but nobody to hang out with. The person I talk to the most, I met on Xbox Live, and he lives 1000 miles away. Other people I actually know in person I have random chats with, every once in a while.

    I want to be in the hospital, laying there, nothing to worry about, don't have to get up, or do anything. Yeah, maybe if I got in there because of overdose, I'd have to go to some sort of ward. I hear it's terrible there, I hear it's not that bad. Really it just depends where you go, and either way, I feel as if I would not really mind it.

    I don't feel fit for this world. I really don't do anything, I just take up space. The only use I am is for some random chores in my household that I do not want to do. I did once have a good group of friends. I really fucked that shit up, just like everything else. That group of friends was everything I had, until a little joke had gone a little far.

    I have two friends that know about my situation. I've been told everything that could be said to stop me. Whatever it is they say, it helps me for the time, and then everything comes back. I promise them both that I will talk to them before ever doing anything, and really if I was going to do something, they'd never let me go through with it.

    I want see how everyone and everything would be after I killed myself. Obviously, this is not possible, but to get the closest, I would have to attempt, and get me in the hospital. I think then I would have the proper time to think, and know what I felt after doing that, and then I'd really know whether or not I'd want to go all the way through.

    I'm going to get grounded when I get my report card, most likely in a week, for my bad grades. I have never gotten more than one C on a report card. I have 3 D's this time. I will probably get grounded for a long time. Sure they could ground me and not let me go anywhere...oh, wait, I already do that. So, when they ground me, I lose my phone, iPod, computer, Xbox....that's about all I have to do at home, and it'll be gone. I don't know if I'll be able to live through that, I really don't. I'll be sitting in my bed just laying there the whole time...nothing else to do.

    Thanks to anyone who actually read all of that. I think I needed to let that all out...so, there it is. At this point I don't know what to do.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 27, 2011
  2. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Hey Keiran, long time no see :)

    I can relate to the failing grades bit and getting grounded.....last year I got a D for Maths..................and mum went nuts when she saw it. Science was close by with a C, and I'm actually taking Biology AND Chemistry this year...:unsure:.

    I don't have any friends either. Just a few people that seem to talk to me at school etc. I don't meet anyone outside of school. I don't do ANYTHING outside of school. It's....extremely depressing. I don't really know how to make friends. But I guess no one actually wants to be around me/talk to me....which doesn't really help the situation...............

    Are you seeing a therapist yet? How are your meds etc going? I'm thinking of telling my mum/someone about my suicidal thoughts/mental problems. Because otherwise I don't see myself living through this year.
     
  3. Keiran

    Keiran Well-Known Member

    Hey there. You know, you seem a lot like me. I may have asked you before, but how old are you? Honestly, you can tell your mom if you want, but I did it and I've regretted every minute of it. But I just told her about it and then just kept saying I was fine afterwards. It just depends how things go after you tell her.

    Therefore my mom thinks I'm better, so I'm not taking any meds or seeing a therapist. And really I don't want to bring it up to her again to tell her I want meds. And talking to someone about my problems isn't really my thing.

    The vision of landing myself in the hospital seems like a better idea every day.
     
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    you don't have to attempt to go into the hospital. you just need to tell them at the ER that you are very suicidal and that you have a plan. that's enough to get you admitted and then you can start getting help. taking an od is too risky.
     
  5. Caster

    Caster Well-Known Member

    If you really want to get into the hospital, I would follow Dazzle's advice. Aside from the fact that OD'ing is risky, you could end up with permanent liver, kidney, or brain damage.

    I can tell I'm a little older since I've finished school, but I felt the same way in high school. I had very few friends, and the people I did hang out with didn't really feel like true friends. I went through college the same way and it's still the same at work today. Maybe someone else can provide some better insight into this since I never really overcame it myself.
     
  6. Nima

    Nima Well-Known Member

    Keiran

    You need to stop wanting to attempt to go to the hospital and you are going to go to college you never know what God has in store for you please be more positive let us help you
     
  7. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    As others have said you don't need to OD to go to the hospital. What is it about the hospital? Is it that you think you need help or is it that you want to be in hospital as once you are there you are safe and you can switch off. I feel a bit like that when I am in hospital. I switch off and just sleep. However, I take it you are not 18 as you talk about grades etc. If you in the UK they do all they can to stop admission to psych care if you are under the age of 18. Not sure what it is like elsewhere. Psych wards are not the nicest of places. They are noisy, busy and can be quite frightening.

    Maybe the best thing to do would be to speak to your parents again and let them know how you are doing. Or make an appointment with your GP and get him to put you back on meds.

    x
     
  8. Keiran

    Keiran Well-Known Member

    No, I don't want to just go to the ER. I want to be in the hospital for some resaon. I WANT something to bad to happen to me. I don't even know why. I'm in the US and I know many people on this forum are in other countries so I'm not really sure what they do here.

    GoldenPsych, just fyi I've never been on meds before.

    I've never been a very religious person, but over the past year or so from time to time I pray to god that things will get better. I wait and wait, and worse comes to worst. I just need something...some sort of spark in my life...anything...
     
  9. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Sorry I misread. I thought you were on them before and now your parents thought you were ok. I am not sure how works over there in the US but if you are a minor it's hard to actually be on a mental health section. And you wouldn't want that anyway.

    Maybe you should go see your equivelent of the GP.

    Have you got any ideas of why you want something to happen to you?

    Sometimes I fantasise about things like that. I was in hospital myself last year for nearly 2 weeks as of falling off a motorbike. I didn't tell anyone but i quite liked it. I think it is not having to have any worries and not having to have a routine.

    x
     
  10. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    you say you don't want to go to the ER but if you OD that's where you go anyways. it's your first stop. that's where you have to drink charcoal and have your stomach pumped. why not skip that step and go straight to the ward where you can be cared for until you start to feel better.
     
  11. Keiran

    Keiran Well-Known Member

    Honestly I don't even know why I want this.

    I just have nothing going on in my life and want something.
     
  12. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I'm 16.

    Your mind is probly going crazy from stagnation. It can be like that for me too. I think that if I have a fairly severe accident or something, it might wake me up. Or scare the crap out of me/make me more appreciative of life etc. Sometimes I just don't see the point, because I know it'll end up with me offing myself.

    It could also be the fact that you could just go into hospital and forget about everything. Kind of like a holiday? Even though holidays aren't all that fun for me, lol. It would be like living in your own world. Inside a box. Where no one outside could affect you. :unsure: That makes me look insane.

    I don't want to OD because they can have fairly drastic effects, and I don't have access to lethal ones. It could fuck my liver or something up and make it hard to take my other medication. Then there's the chance of brain damage or organ failure. So OD'ing is probly the outta the picture for me.

    I can't remember if you're seeing a therapist? I think you said that talking didn't really help you, maybe you could tell the person that nothings changed? Everything's still shit etc.
     
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