Hovering over self destruct

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by lycoris, Nov 28, 2011.

  1. lycoris

    lycoris Well-Known Member

    You know how damn tempting it is sometimes to press the shiny red button?

    I dont even know why. I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world.

    I just cant tell him i want to hurt myself. I miss self harm so much. It made me nicer, i wasnt stressy or snappy, i could fake it so much easier.

    Stupid thing is i liked it, sometimes it was even fun.. Freak that i am.
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Does he know you used to SH? If so maybe you should talk to him about it.
    Overall it sounds like you need a new form of stress relief, can you get him to give you a massage or something like that?
  3. lycoris

    lycoris Well-Known Member

    Yeah he knows about it, i just cant talk about it to him. I feel like im hurting him by reminding him.

    Massages are ok, hes bought oils and alsorts and often encourages me to do anything i want to in order to relax. Hes a very soothing person to be around.
    he even bought me kalms (herbal anxiety meds)

    Hes talked me through my eating disorder and taught me to enjoy different foods and textures.

    I justt get this overwhelming urge to hit self destruct. Its like im on a timer or something.
  4. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    He sounds wonderfully supportive, you are lucky.

    You will not be hurting him, you will be opening up to him, letting him into your innermost feelings. Does that scare you?
  5. lycoris

    lycoris Well-Known Member

    It terrifies me.

    I don't like to be weak, but I am. And I don't like the idea of showing him just how weak.

    I talked to him the other day about my ed and si but it didn't seem so bad because it was in a round about way. We were talking about someone else and I mentioned mine as an alternative case to compare.

    but actually sitting and talking about it. I can't. I've tried before but nothing comes out when I open my mouth.
  6. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Have you considered writing? Either in a letter and explain you find it hard to talk about it, or in a journal that he can read?

    Do not think of it as weakness, consider it an addiction. It is very slightly more positive.
  7. EarToHelp

    EarToHelp Member

    I completely agree, the journal seems like a good idea... even if you don't show him, writing down your feelings can sometimes help people cope.

    Being weak is not a problem. I am a weak person emotionally and I actually find it a comfort when comparing it to some overly confident characters that I have come across. Strip back your pride and admit that you are weak if that's who you are and work on finding ways to improve your inner strength.

    You have done amazingly well by stopping the self-harming, you need to find something to replace that... what do you enjoy doing? Do you draw?

    Recently I have started writing my own books, done one on health and fitness and I have started to write a fantasy book - fueled by my twisted and hyper imagination hehe. You may find it relaxing?

    Wish you all the best, make sure that you always appreciate your bf - good, supportive people are always hard to find. Also, the harder he finds it to hear about your past, the better he is - it means he cares too much to be hurt by it. You need him to know that it helps you cope and that it makes you stronger each time he listens.