So.. Once again the festive season is upon us. Which, ironically, is one of the worst times of year for me. And I have a genuine question.. how on earth am I going to cope? Christmas has never been a good time of year for me, as long as I can remember it's been filled with.. well.. crap to be honest. When I was younger, my mum would either be drunk out of her brain and spewing all over the floor, literally having forgot about Christmas, or out on one of her week long benders, leaving me home alone. No presents, no nice meal, no decorations, just me, as a young child, cleaning up her sick, putting her to bed, and usually attempting to cook, and subsequently burn, a pizza for myself, or worrying about where she was and what mood she would be in whenever she finally stumbled home. When other kids were excited about Christmas, I would just nod and smile, something that in public I tend to do still.. if you keep the mask on, no one can see what a complete freak you are. I didn't understand about the magic that surrounded Christmas, it was just another fun day of sadness. Lovely. I'd go back to school after Christmas break, and kids would be SO excited, so full of tales about their mummy and daddy and presents and what they did. It was torture. And really fucking confusing too. Then.. at 12, something happened to make the Christmas period even more.. joyless, if that were possible. On Christmas eve, I was sexually abused for the first time while staying at relatives house. This lasted for 2 years. But enough about that, going into this shit isn't what this thread was overly intended for, it was merely to explain why I get hit even harder around Christmas time. Christmas.. makes me sick to my stomach. I will buy a few presents, I will occasionally stretch to handing out christmas cards, but I do it because that's what I 'should do'. I want to curl up and hide, ignore everyone, get drunk and try my damndest to cope, but there are expectations I am supposed to meet. I HATE the fact that it is pushed in your face, I hate that it's known as the 'family season'. Not for me. I have no family.. well no family that doesn't want me dead at least. Besides this, I usually tend to get some sort of communication from my mother around Christmas, complete with her hate filled messages of how I should have been aborted, how I'm damaged and deserved what happened, how I ruined her life and every day she wishes me dead etc etc. The lovely usual stuff. And yes, I know people tell me to just.. not open it if I recognize the handwriting.. but does anyone understand how difficult that is? I want a NORMAL card from my mom, I want to be loved by her, and there is always the niggling hope that this card/letter/email may be different. I'm also pretty triggered at the moment in regards to what happened when I was younger, even more so than usual (which is a feat in itself), as well as being on edge about the... 'anniversary'. I've decided not to commit suicide until after Christmas and New Years. This is because of a couple of people that I care about and would not want to ruin their festivities and because I have a friend staying over for New Years. But that leaves me with the very VERY difficult question of.. how am I supposed to cope? How am I supposed to cope until all this is over?