How am I going to cope? *possible trigger*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by lostbutnotfound, Dec 19, 2011.

  1. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member


    Once again the festive season is upon us. Which, ironically, is one of the worst times of year for me. And I have a genuine question.. how on earth am I going to cope?

    Christmas has never been a good time of year for me, as long as I can remember it's been filled with.. well.. crap to be honest. When I was younger, my mum would either be drunk out of her brain and spewing all over the floor, literally having forgot about Christmas, or out on one of her week long benders, leaving me home alone. No presents, no nice meal, no decorations, just me, as a young child, cleaning up her sick, putting her to bed, and usually attempting to cook, and subsequently burn, a pizza for myself, or worrying about where she was and what mood she would be in whenever she finally stumbled home. When other kids were excited about Christmas, I would just nod and smile, something that in public I tend to do still.. if you keep the mask on, no one can see what a complete freak you are. I didn't understand about the magic that surrounded Christmas, it was just another fun day of sadness. Lovely. I'd go back to school after Christmas break, and kids would be SO excited, so full of tales about their mummy and daddy and presents and what they did. It was torture. And really fucking confusing too.

    Then.. at 12, something happened to make the Christmas period even more.. joyless, if that were possible. On Christmas eve, I was sexually abused for the first time while staying at relatives house. This lasted for 2 years. But enough about that, going into this shit isn't what this thread was overly intended for, it was merely to explain why I get hit even harder around Christmas time.

    Christmas.. makes me sick to my stomach. I will buy a few presents, I will occasionally stretch to handing out christmas cards, but I do it because that's what I 'should do'. I want to curl up and hide, ignore everyone, get drunk and try my damndest to cope, but there are expectations I am supposed to meet. I HATE the fact that it is pushed in your face, I hate that it's known as the 'family season'. Not for me. I have no family.. well no family that doesn't want me dead at least.

    Besides this, I usually tend to get some sort of communication from my mother around Christmas, complete with her hate filled messages of how I should have been aborted, how I'm damaged and deserved what happened, how I ruined her life and every day she wishes me dead etc etc. The lovely usual stuff. And yes, I know people tell me to just.. not open it if I recognize the handwriting.. but does anyone understand how difficult that is? I want a NORMAL card from my mom, I want to be loved by her, and there is always the niggling hope that this card/letter/email may be different.

    I'm also pretty triggered at the moment in regards to what happened when I was younger, even more so than usual (which is a feat in itself), as well as being on edge about the... 'anniversary'.

    I've decided not to commit suicide until after Christmas and New Years. This is because of a couple of people that I care about and would not want to ruin their festivities and because I have a friend staying over for New Years. But that leaves me with the very VERY difficult question of.. how am I supposed to cope? How am I supposed to cope until all this is over?
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    That is awful lostbutnotfound. I wish I could offer real help but I am not sure I can.
    Your mother is twisting things in her mind, maybe she blames you for her bad decisions, her inability to cope without drink. But that is her being foolish, rather than have a child to face the world with and have mutual support with, she pushes her negativity onto you.

    Adverts will always try to manipulate folk into buying as much as possible, pushing the 'its not Xmas without...' at us all... its sickening a little.
    Do you have a trusted friend who can open your mother's letters and tell you if it's just more crap?

    Personally as someone who will be alone most of the time, I intend to make use of the reasonable TV and the fact that drinking is in fact encouraged.

    Good luck and keep posting, we are all here to help each other, especially at triggering times like this. You are not alone.
  3. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    im so sad to hear the awful experiences and memories you have that have blighted your life and yes it is even worse at christmas time when youve been conditioned to it being miserable.i cant even begin to pretend that ive been through the same as you but mine were shit through neglect,atmospheres,arguments.I hate this time of year too as you say its on every programme,advert,radio show that everybody is gonna be celebrating and playing happy families,just feels like its rubbing your nose in it eh?Im 39 and my fuckin family are full of arguments this year like every year before and ive been toying with the idea of just jumping in my car and taking off.I guess we just have to get through it the best we can and remember there are lots of people who will be alone and dreading it as we are.I dont like to roll out the cliche questions but have you had any couseling to try and help you make sense of your past and deal with your emotional scars?There is a lot to be said for talking to a counselor,im not saying its a cure all but it can help.Unless i take off in my car i shall be around on here all over the christmas period if you need someone to talk to :hug:
  4. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    windlepoons and Mark, thank you for your replies..

    windlepoons ~ my mum is an alcoholic and drug addict, so I know she can't help the way she is, but she cut me out of her life 8 years ago.. you'd think she'd leave me alone by now, instead of reiterating to me what a complete freak I am. but anyway.. yes.. she is projecting her negativity on to me, it's hard to emotionally understand that though as the things she says are things I believe to be true about myself. Yes.. drinking is the 'norm' for christmas.. that's probably the single good thing about it lol. I agree about the adverts, it drives me up the wall, and how they all show 'families' sat around a table having a jolly old time. I have to admit, I have a huge case of the green eyed monster when it comes to anything, let alone this. Thank you for th encouragement to keep posting.. I find it difficult to post publicly because I am overwhelmed with thinking that everyone must be sick of me and my whinging by now, so it's hard to reach out for support when I'm terrified of the outcome. I think the only reason I'm able to at the moment is because I am ridiculously sleep deprived, which dims down this particular fear. but thank you again for your kind words. i hope you're well.

    mark101 ~ I'm sorry that you have bad memories of Christmastime and are still going through stresses relating to that. I would love to just.. get away.. but I am agoraphobic, and besides.. I have nowhere to go lol. I'm thankful that I live alone, so that I can just get crazy drunk and probably take a couple sleeping pills to try and drown out those few days, though I do have an obligation to see my old foster mum, which means for a couple of hours I'm going to have to wear that painstaking happy mask. All the christmas ads.. fuck, I hate them. They're posted everywhere.. EVERYWHERE, and I just can't get away from them. I struggle enough as it is, and alongside being triggered by a completely different reason at the moment.. it's all too much. Counselling.. I have been in and out of therapy since I was 12, was in an adolescent psychiatric unit for 3 years (as a day patient for most of that time though thankfully) where I received intense therapy, and also been in and out of adult psychiatric hospitals the past few years. These past few months have been some of the worst of my life, which hasn't helped matters at all, and I think the fact that I have made the conscious decision to wait until after New Years to end things is just more stressful. The end is just out of reach, and god I want it. Thanks for your kind response.. I hope you're as well as you can be.
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Breaks my heart to read this, to know the source of some of your pain. You have an amazing strength to make it to this point, to have been able to get through the last few weeks also. I truly believe you have the strength to stay with us too.

    In answer to how to get through this time, my answer would be with the rest of us. We can all help each other out to get through the next few weeks until the "festivities" are over.

    And as for making dates and making decisions about ending your life, you know how I feel.

    Sending lots of hugs, try and be as good to yourself as you are to others.

  6. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Your mum seems to be acting like a bully, hurting you to make herself feel better. She has programmed you to believe these things about yourself, they are not true, you know.
    Yes, lots of happy families with fresh-faced kids, Mum the effortless provider... we must all be aware that this is just advertisers trying to get us to think 'if I shop there, my Christmas could be perfect like that' but I think very few are.

    No-one is sick of your posting, this is a forum for this sort of thing. We all understand and welcome you.
    You are scared because the one person we should all be able to turn to for support has hurt you and continues to do so. It's understandable. Please keep posting, memo me if you want to talk to just one person.

    And I am fine, thank you for asking :)
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Unfortunately, I do understand what you have written nighmare is different, and I will not highjack your thread with it, but suffice it to say, I know the horrors of being tortured and having a holiday season in which others seem happy...when I was younger (around 7), I would collect soda bottles which had a 5 cents deposit, and take a bus to a museum...I found comfort in art, especially ancient archives, and would spend the days there...I was there enough that the curator knew me and let me help him...I would pan handle enough money for a sandwich and if I did not have the money to get home, I would cry to the bus driver (could only do that once to each so I had to vary my times) and he (usually no women back then) would let me ride for parents left me in a park near the house to play so they could not care less where I was...see if there is something you can do for you to counterbalance this time of about we start a chain and leave cyber-grams for people? Much caring, J
  8. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Mo, windlepoons, J.. thank you.

    Mo ~ Thanks hon. I know you believe me to be 'strong' but I just can't see it. You know more than most about what I'm like, and how I react and the things that have gone on, and with this on top of everything I'm so close to snapping it's scary. What makes it worse, is I'm usually calmed by the thought that I can just commit suicide and stop this, but this is one time where I really have to wait it out until Jan. It's like a carrot dangling in front of a donkey.. just out of reach, but in sight. I would like to 'lean' on people, to offer support and get some in return, but you know I freak out lol, about how I'm perceived and if I'm being selfish, and worrying like fuck about what people think of me. Besides that, it's the festive season.. I don't wanna drag people down in my shit when people either a) are enjoying Christmas, or b) have enough of their own issues around Christmas that they're trying to deal with. Writing this thread was really difficult, let alone boring people more with my shit. Anyway.. thanks hon, I hope you're okay. Love and hugs.

    windlepoons ~ I know my mum has bully-like tendencies, but she's sick. She's been sick all my life, and I'm trying to cling to the belief that this is what makes her hate me so much. There's more to the story, but I think the reason I can't get over this stuff with her is because a) I love her, b) I can't blame her and c) I'm convinced that her words are the truth. She basically is like that voice in your head which reaffirms every bad thought about yourself, and I think most people know how hard that is to overcome, but.. yeah. It's just difficult. I'm usually hit hard when I get contact from her anyway, dashes my hopes again and again, but now even more so, what with the anniversary of the abuse and this whole Christmas charade. Thanks for your reassurance about me posting, it does mean a lot. Also thank you for your offer of PM :) I'm glad you're okay. Hugs

    J ~ I'm so sorry you can relate to this sadness. It's so difficult to appear 'normal' to people when they ask about Christmas, and I'm filled with sheer dread about it. From what you've wrote, you.. like me.. had the same 'happy mask' that needed to be worn around the Christmastime as a child. It pains me to hear of the cruelty and sadness that some of us have faced around Christmas. Thank you for sharing with me what you wrote, it makes me feel like I'm not quite so alone in the way I feel. I do kinda feel I should be 'over it' by now, I just.. don't know how to be. The counterbalance thing sounds good.. but unachievable. Part of me wants to just sedate myself until this sorry festive period is over, but I know if I do that, I will go too far and end up not coming out the other end, and another part of me wants to talk and have people around me who care. But.. I don't have anyone like that really =/ . Okay.. I'm starting to ramble and through myself a pity party lol.. thanks again.. I hope you're okay. Hugs and caring.
  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I know you can't see your strength - but I do. Honest. I don't mince my words and I don't lie. I understand it is hard to lean on people, but I for one am right here. No need to think of being selfish or dumping anything on me. You have helped me out enormously recently and for that I am sincerely grateful. I don't perceive you any way at all, I only see you as you. So, lean away if you wish. I am going nowhere over Christmas, so will be available & around for you, should you need/wish.

    Additionally, I know this was difficult for you to write - this thread. This is a good example of your strength to me - to put yourself out there, to ask for help in a way from some of us who may understand.

    Please take care, stay safe.
  10. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    23rd Dec.. not coping too good today.. well worse than usual. Fuck.

    Tomorrow is going to be even worse.

    I'm frightened. I'm frightened and I'm lonely.
  11. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I am sorry.
    How can I help?
    What are you frightened of?
  12. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    thanks for the reply windlepoons
    It doesn't matter. I don't matter.
  13. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Yes it matters and yes you matter.... Honest, you do. :console:
  14. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Oy you! :mad: .....administers thump upside of head!

    You think you've got it bad I have the bloody AGED PARENT! :laugh:

    I know I'm not about but me email is still alive and active ...if it all gets too much USE IT!!! :hug:
  15. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You do matter.
    Keep posting, let us support you.
  16. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You matter very much.

    Sending my love and caring.

    please do contact me if you would like a personal chat, I'm usually around.

  17. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Lostbutnotfound I'm so disgusted with the way you've been treated by your Mother..
    Mothers are meant to nurture and care for their children no matter what.
    and i understand that you must open any mail if only with that hope that she may have changed

    the way she treated you is not because of you though...she is the one with 'major' problems

    you are the most caring, nurturing person and should be proud of how you have overcome such crap from your childhood.
    I wish somehow that christmas is ok for you and you find some peace and joy in it.
    you deserve it..
    I am here if you need me and am so grateful you were there for me in my crisis.
    take care of you :hug:
  18. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your comments.

    So.. it's over. I reverted to self destructive ways to 'cope' again. Not good. Still feeling overwhelmed and upset with it all, but I guess it's to be expected =/

    Thanks again.
  19. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Lostbutnotfound -

    :hug: I am sorry. Don't beat yourself up.