How am i suppose to live... (triggering?)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Summer.Rain, Jul 1, 2008.

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  1. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    im 23 years old, with nothing!
    My mother lies to everyone who are interested in me, she tells them
    that im educated, with many hobbies, with dreams...
    And when people ask why am i so "shy" and why i dont talk much, she says that its my nature...
    5 min ago, i had a short talk with my mom, as usuall she told me that there is no such thing as depression
    that everyone have to fight, and even when it hard, i should take her as example, to fight through the difficulties and something like that...
    Then i told her i cant, she asked "why?", i told her that she wount be able to undarstand,
    she said she is my mother and she can, so i told her that im depressed, i cant do anything, and if i will force myself as she hopes i will
    i will become sick, becouse i tryed it already, yet, somehow, she didnt heard this part and she start talking how im lazy, and again, that i have to force myself...
    Then she said something like "you shouldnt afraid of people"
    i got angry and told her "why do you think im afraid of people"
    she said "becouse you dont want to meet them"...
    I told her that its just prooves that she dosnt undarstand...

    After that she said she will arreng a meating betwine me and my long forgotten brother, i heard he really wants to see me!
    but i said i dont want to, becouse i dont want him to see me like this...
    I know that after ill see him, i will have to talk to him about life and shit
    and to tell him how worthless i am in the best way possible
    I know that he will see me as a looser, and for me its extrimley hard becouse no one ever saw me like that...
    I was alwayes been respected by others, EVERYONE respected me
    i dont want to loose the only thing i have, respect.

    Thats why, again and again, i think of dieing while im still respected
    and will be rememberd by everyone as a strong, wise, smart, inteligent, person!
    Again and again i think of killing myself, for the last week, im planning to jump from a building
    I already know what to write in my final latter.
    Sometimes i think that i cant leave the house, so ill be forces to cut
    but im afraid that i will servive, my boddy prooved me many times how strong it is.
    Yet i dont see any choise, its something that is HAVE TO BE DONE

    Every time i go to bed, i wish i will not wake up
    every time i wake up, i feal betraed
    i live throw the day as a zombie, eating, internet, some pc games, eating
    the computer again, then sleeping, untill the next day begins
    I feal no happynes, no need for anything, i dont want to talk to people
    and i feal like im so tired, usally i sleep 12 hours at night, then 3 more hours in the midday,
    it takes me 3 hours to fall asleep, hours of me trying to fall asleep! I dont feal hunger,
    i dont even feal pain, sometimes im getting injured
    becouse of my careless way to so things, yet i dont feal pain.
    Yesturday i took something metalic and cut my arm with it, the cuts
    was shallow, i done it only so that ill know how painfiull it is, i found out
    that its not as painfull as what i feal in my roating boddy...
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Summerrain, I know how you feel about talking about yourself. I finally got thru to my dad that I am sick, he said he doesn't understand it but I should keep doing what I am so I don't harm myself. Keep in mind that you have an illness and are fighting a daily battle just to survive. Depression is wide spread, there are literally hundreds of thousands who suffer from it.
    If he doesn't beleive you sit him down and let him read our posts!! Maybe that will open his eyes. Tell him what you need now is family support. I guess we can't blame others for not understanding. They have never been there and dealt with the pain, low self esteem, feeling worthless, and on and on.
    We didn't ask for this disease and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. All we can do is take it one day at a time. People on the street know something is up just by the way they look at you. They know. I would guess that the homeless are suffering major depression, because the world has taken everything from them. I sort of know how they feel because I was on the streets for two years before joining the Marines. Just sit your brother down and have a one on one conversation. !!!No Interuptions!!! I hope this helps set you at ease. If you have trouble concentrating take the next few days and write down your thoughts. That way you cover everything that you want him to understand. Just keep in mind that you can end the conversation when needed. You have that on your side, your in control not him. Well Good Luck...:chopper:...
  3. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    sometimes parents have a fked up way of making you feel like your worthless even though they do still value/love you, especially if they are used to the old ways and attitudes of when they were growing up. Mental illness used to be something like either "its nonsense" (if you can still function) or "ok that person's nuts" (if you're too crazy for the symptoms to be considered nonsense)- i think this is the idea that your parents grew up with and still believe. Even if they dont understand you from what you've said i think they are still trying to help and make you better. The fact that your mother "lies" about you and show that they still value you and are proud of you? but then again they mite also just be saying those things to not loose face. I guess you could ask them what they really think about you? Not in an angry argument though (something like "ur lazy" doesnt mean much when its spoken out of anger).

    I hope they still care about you.

    Even if they really didnt, you arn't living their life- you have you own life to live. If they really are not worth being around then make an effort to start a new life? you could go with your brother overseas maybe?

    let us know how you're doing k?

    p.s. whoops~ forgot the generic propaganda: umm letsee... Dont kill your self, try not to cut~ smoking is bad~ blah blah lol
  4. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Um, yeah. I sleep 10-12 hours plus a 2-3 hour nap. But I usually am out within a few minutes of lying down - partly because of some of my meds.

    People have some weird concepts of depression, showing how little they know about it and how little they understand you. Telling you to cowboy up or get a life is like telling someone who broke their leg to get with it and start walking or being irritated at someone who won't snap out of their coma. Lots of people just can't get it that depression is just as much an illness as any other sickness or disease, and is very hard to treat.

    I wonder if seeing a brother long lost could be a good thing for you. Is it possible that he might understand what your mother doesn't? Usually respect is increased when we tell someone who's understanding the truth about how we feel - just like you do here. He could be a possible ally in educating your mother.

    I hope you'll be patient and let some of these issues work themselves through.
  5. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Ah.. you are right, but it dosnt helping me to get my mom to undarstand
    you see, i have this Depression thing for about 5 years now
    4 of which i spent to try and "fix" my head, but with no success.
    The sleeping disorder is usally asossiated with depression, as many others "issues" i have.
    I have eating disorder... it is normal for me to forget and starve for a whole day...
    I just dont feal hunger...
    Fear is also a normal part of my life, every time i leave house, like to buy food or something
    its like im going to a battle, totaly prepared to fight, and die (wierd i know)

    Anyways, my brother is local guy (100% Ukrainian), i think he will be like my parents
    And by looking on most of the locals here, i will not be surprised if he is stupid like a god damn tree or something...
    (Most of the locals here who are around 23 years old, are ignorant and selfish)
  6. crying_wolf

    crying_wolf Active Member

    wow your 23 like me, your are zombie like (your own words) same as me, i just eat, shower, internet. I meet my sisters (MSN and myspace) for the first time few months ago and i don't have the courage to go out. My sisters didnt knew i existed until now, they are 18 and 19 long story. Your are almost like me except i havent talk to mom and i dont harm myself cuz im a coward. Life is passing by and im wasting it.
  7. Epical Taylz

    Epical Taylz Well-Known Member

    i think that youre parents will understand that youre depressed over time
    i think that theyre more diverting the fact that you are
    they dont want to see their child like this

    you should explain it to them again
    this time providing them with facts about depression
    and maybe going to your doctor and seeing what he thinks
  8. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    I cant provide my parents with facts becouse thay are too ignorant
    My mom thinks there is "energy vempires" and she beliaves in whichcraft and all this shit.
    My dad is like a Dictator, all his life he is around money money and more money
    but he is a failure, for all his life, he got nothing, and he blames all his fammily for it.

    And i cant see a doctor, becouse my parents dont want me to see one
    I asked them like 100 times to take me to a doctor, thay never did.

    Anyways, my life is shit, im worthless, i dont have any skills, no education
    an my da blames me in his finansial failure, it will be better for them if ill die
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Summer.rain,
    No one knows your family better than you. If they won't help then you will have to take matters into your own hands. You are 23 now, so you are an adult. You can do what you want. The first thing I would do is sit down and make out a list of everything that is going on with you, including suicidal thoughts, then go to the hospital and tell them you need help. I realize you live in a different country and have different rules. There has to be someone you can see.
    Do you have any aunts or uncles? Maybe you could go live with one of them for now? I am fresh out of other idea's, let me think on it and I will get back to you!!:chopper:!!
  10. lake1989

    lake1989 Well-Known Member

    Feel the same way, except 1 thing, I'm not wasting my life, it isn't only my fault that I've got depression... It's all abuot people, they've got their own "big" problems, they don't even want to talk with you just say "hi" and that's all.. What I must do to change that?? Nothing... it's their attitude towards me causing I don't even have a person to talk with, except my mother, but she don't understand everything. Wishful thinking that "tomorrow will be better", but it's not better, it's getting worse. I can't find anything that will make me happy, so why I'm living for?? For suffer? Is that the point of this fucking live???
  11. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    I dont even think that tommorow it will be better...
    I just hope i wount wake up... Evey day, day after day, for 5 fucken years!
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