How am I supposed to live like this???

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Zee, May 25, 2007.

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  1. Zee

    Zee Member

    For over a year and a half now I have been sick and no doctor can tell me what is wrong with me. I have a range of symptoms but I mostly just feel so tired all of the time and I have recently developed gynecological problems from hell. I have had to be biopsied for cervical cancer along with many other problems that just will not go away. It is ruining my relationship with my boyfriend, whom I love very much. I have just a hit a rock bottom. I feel so terrible all of the time and these new gyno problems are just the last straw. I can't imagine living like this the rest of my life. I just don't know what to do anymore. All I can do is just cry, and cry and repeatedly tell myself, "I can't live like this. I can't live like this. I can't live like this..." I just want to be healthy again. That's all I want. I've have done my damndest to find out what is wrong with me but every doctor I've ever been to just runs standard tests and decides that since those came back normal I'm fine. But I know I'm not. I've had doctors insinuate that its all in my head, but I know that its not. This is not some case of depression that has turned physical. I know that it is not. So, please spare me that theory. I just don't know what to do anymore. All I know is that I can't live like this for the rest of my life. I'm only 21.
  2. gitana

    gitana SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    I understand and know how extremely frustrating it is trying to find a diagnosis speaking from experience. It isn't all in your head! You know your body better than anyone else. Please keep trying to be persistent. I am extremely tired of the drs. who don't do much or won't keep seeking the answer.

    You stated standard tests.. yeah, have been there too. Did they do a absolute complete bloodwork and lab tests? Did they do x-rays? I mean complete x-rays? More than standard if needed? I don't know all your symptoms and now you developed gyn problems also. Grrrrrrrr.. it isn't in your head and if you are depressed.. it isn't because of depression affecting you physically, it is because you can't find a dr. to help you find the right diagnosis so it can be treated!!!!!!!

    Could you be anemic? Lacking in iron? There are so many things for being tired and fatigued at the same time besides have physical problems too. However, since you are developing other problems now, sweetie, I know you are tired and want to give up. Insist on seeing a specialist.

    I have been there. Keep searching for another dr. who will listen and finally do something. I know very much you are extremely tired of dealing with it.

    I have learned and maybe you know, that unfortunately, one has to really advocate and demand, (I hope your boyfriend is helpful or a close friend, family member? to help you because you are so sick) that these drs. nowadays are getting bonuses for NOT doing all the tests, etc. they should. I found this out several years ago and has been going on for quite some time. As I was having medical problems also. I read an article by a lady, same situation.. she touched her head one day, on top, and it didn't feel right.. hollow.. she went to 5 drs. persistent.. knowing that she didn't feel good.. the 5th dr. finally did all the tests necessary, and she had an operation.. she was lucky, she had a brain tumor.. That is when she found out about drs. being paid for doing just standard tests and not the extra! So, she wrote this article to let people know.. be persistent, you know your body more than anyone else, and you know if you don't feel right and you have other symptoms now! (BTW, this dr. told her she was lucky as most people aren't that persistent and give up and believe the dr. or she wouldn't have made it, she is doing great..forget when read this story in reader's digest.. several years ago or so)

    So, don't give up hon! ok? it would be so easy to.. I know.. Feel free to PM me if you would like to talk more and when you feel up to it.. I have been through many situations involving friends, and now, a couple of my family members, will ask me to go to the dr. with them, because of being there myself and other people, I have learned. I am nice, and sometimes the dr. doesn't like it, when I ask questions, because I shouldn't know more than the dr...and I don't.. just from my experience and making sure.. that all the tests are done and to not give up and say it is all in one's head!!! Especially, when one has lot of symptoms, and now gyn symptoms. Let me know if I can help any. You are not alone.. it may feel like it.. but you aren't.

    You will also find many people here who care about you and concerned about you. Others may have good suggestions too. Keep trying to hang in there okay? It isn't your fault at all for how you feel. I hope your boyfriend will come to understand that and help you through this. I care..


    Last edited by a moderator: May 25, 2007
  3. Zee

    Zee Member

    Hi, Tracie.

    Thank you so much for your response. I've had my vitamins and electrolytes and all of that checked. They all come back fine. My symptoms are so general that I can't think of who to see other than internal medicine doctors. And from what I understand they're the dolts of the medical profession. I know that in the grand scheme of things almost 2 years isn't that long. There are people out there that were sick for 10+ years and didn't know what was wrong with them. But not only do I not want to be one of those people, my intuition is telling me that I'm never going to find out. I feel that if I choose to live, I'm going to be stuck in this miserable, and soon to be lonely existence. I've been thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend because of this and he's the only real support I have. I'm in a hell of my own and as long as we're together, I'll be dragging him down with me. We're not married and he should be with someone who is healthy. He has a life to live and I'm taking it from him. Its knowing that I probably must do this that is driving me deeper into depression. I don't want to be alone right now. But I don't want to be selfish either. I just don't know what to do anymore...Death seems like the easiest and best solution. I can't live like this...
  4. gitana

    gitana SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Zee, hon.. I completely understand. My came back fine too. It took a long time to find out for me a dx. My symptoms were so general too.. Did the health thing, naturopath, medical, etc. nothing. Okay, just keep checking with the internal medicine drs... Have you checked with gyn dr.? Since it is now affecting you in that area?

    Have you have any MRI's, Cat scans? xrays? I know you said that your electrolytes are okayl... it doesn't always show up in the lab work.

    Well, Zee, I don't know about that... you have had this then for 2 years, there is more technology out there now.. It is just finding the right dr. to treat you and do any and every kind of test, including referring you to a specialist, maybe. Whatever it takes.

    My intuition told me that I wouldn't never find out either. It took years for me. No, Zee, hon, you are not alone and it isn't going to take you 10+ years.. we will work on this together.. it is very difficult..

    Is your boyfriend supportive of you and cares? I did the same thing.. because I couldn't find a dx. and broke up with my true love.. long time ago.. didn't know how to explain it to him.. please, hon, if he is supportive of you.. don't break up.. Now, when I think back.. if I had only known, if I had the support in the medical field, if I had let Don in, mine is very complex. I let him go. I didn't want to burden him at all.. with my problems..

    NO you will not be dragging you down with him at all. If he cares about and very supportive, sweetie, please don't close that door... I did the same thing... and I didn't know then, that he would accept me, and be supportive of me. I didn't want to drag him down too. What I have is hereditary on my mom's side. There was alot of abuse and my mom had the same problem... however, in denial, I kept searching for an answer.

    But, yes, many, many, times, sweetie, I gave up.. I attempted so many times, and so angry, had it right.. you know.. I came back.. and here I am today.. I couldn't live like this.. no dx. people/drs/professionals telling me it is all in my head, etc. and trying to keep working at a job I loved..

    I really understand hon, how you feel about being in a hell of your own.. Me too!!!

    Okay, so you aren't married but if he is willing to be there for you and help you through this, sweetie, and you love him and he loves you, please don't let go of a good person.. If he chooses to be with you, let him. I know how you feel.. as many relationships were affected by my health problems..

    You don't have to do this, I know.. it is difficult.. but you are very deserving to have him in your life.. don't do what I did for so long, and be alone...

    You are not taking it from him.. You are not being selfish hon.. I know sweetie, death seem to be the only way out and the easiest.. we want to be at peace and I know.. please remember that I am here for you and PM me anytime. You are a terrific person and please don't break up with your boyfriend.. give him a chance.. If he loves you enough, he will stick it out with you.. and help you through this... you need all the support you can get in your life.. I know and understand how you feel.. Long story but would be very happy to talk to you more about it..I can really relate to you. Please keep sharing and talking to us or anybody you feel you can trust.. and feel free to PM me anytime hon.. Don't do anything rash.. OK? I have been there.. and know.. I really care about you and I know, so deeply, and understand how and why you feel this way. I lost a lot because I did the same thing.. I didn't know.. It haunts me sometimes.. if only I knew then, if only I allowed myself to trust then, my boyfriend, not having a dx. at all.. and yet having these problems. how do you tell your boyfriend, friends, family.. Geez, I don't know why.. feel so stupid! There is hope for you! I know it.. and it won't take 10+ years either.. so don't think about that.. just try to be persistent and don't give up the best person in your life, if he is able to handle it and be supportive and loves you.. I know.. so I here to tell you.. don't be hasty in breaking up with him.. if he is frustrated.. yeah.... it is very difficult.. I hope he is a good encourager for you. You are a terrific person, Zee. and someway, there will be an answer soon.. Please keep trying to hang in there and if your boyfriend is willing to support you, allow him to! Don't make the mistake I did.. you will find a dx. soon. Pm me anytime..


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