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How bittersweet...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by this.jaded.angel, Mar 11, 2013.

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  1. this.jaded.angel

    this.jaded.angel New Member

    I know the after-affects of suicide. So why does it call out to me in the middle of the night? Whispering its soothing release from life? All I can think about are movie scenes and book chapters. In the Dead Poets' Society, the suicide depicted is so tender and beautiful. I cried during the scene, not for the character, but for myself. I know its wrong to want that but sometimes I can't see any other way out and I make plans. When I was in middle school, I was curled up in the dark with gut-wrenching sobs, holding a <edit mod total eclipse method> I didn't do it of course, not even one cut. I was a coward. I think about funerals I've been to or heard of. I see all those people, recalling lovely memories of the ones lost but I doubt it when I allow myself that fantasy of having family and friends there for me. I have heard what they think of me from their own mouths when they thought I could not hear and maybe they just didn't care. Weak. Stupid. Pathetic. Childish. Slow. Werid. Eccentric. Black Sheep. Burden. Too much trouble. And there are some times I wish I could just die. Almost every other thought is a flashback to abuse or I suddenly think how it would feel if I just slipped from the ledge or if I just stepped out in front of that truck or if I just took that knife and cut a little deeper or if I just swallowed all of those pills. Drowning is how I always thought the best for me. I grew up beside the ocean... I'm sory. I think this turned into a ranting sob story? I'm new but I set this account up for the next time I felt this way, which can come and go. The fire is out of me for right now. I'm "safe" and sound in my bed. I feel so drained and my eyes keep glancing over at the clock, never wanting it to be morning. I don't know how to ask for help, whenever I went through something really bad, no one reached out to me. No one was there. No, I stopped myself from drowning, not litterally, but I kept my head above water. No matter HOW much I wanted. To let go and still do. I'm scared everyone will confirm what I already know. That I'm worthless. My father never wanted me and my mother never wanted a girl. I could go on about the rest, but right now, I'm just tired and need sleep. Will it be better in the morning? Oh how bittersweet, suicide would be. Bittersweet indeed....
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 11, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope tomorrow brings you some kindness some compassion for you hun some peace
  3. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Hi and welcome to the site. I didn't think your post was a ranting sob story, and it's good to let your feelings out. That seems to help me somewhat when I'm going through a hard time. It can be hard to ask for help, but this is a good place to start. There's lots of people here dealing with similar issues, so we understand and we aren't here to judge, just to listen and be supportive. So please keep posting and I hope it does ease your pain a bit.
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Angel, and welcome to SF :) You're certainly not worthless in the slightest honey - it's so unfortunate that your family talked about you like that but you can make the choice that you are not going to believe their opinion of your worth and value. You can make the choice that you will distance yourself from the lies they choose to think - just because they are the ones with the problem that makes them think like that. They are not right just because there's more of them than there is of you - they are all wrong!!

    Family psychological and emotional abuse is horrid - is there anyway you can find a means of living independently? Tell yourself that instead of thinking that you came from your parents, that you came through them instead. This puts some distance between you and them and gives you more control over your self-image.

    Added to that, there are ways to protect yourself from family verbal violence, by learning it's quite OK to be assertive. Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive, which is how they might try to interpret it - but standing up for your basic right to be respected as a person and not allowing them to trash you will help you to see exactly who has the problem, and it isn't you honey :)
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