How can I be me again?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BeautifullyChaotic, Sep 22, 2011.

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  1. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    The last several weeks have been the hardest of my life.
    My husband and I were so very disconnected, and I still don't know why, but no matter how I reached out he wouldn't respond. He wouldn't kiss me, hold me or even touch me and I started drinking, feeling sorry for myself, every night after class.
    One night I got really drunk, likely more drunk than I have ever been. The last thing I remember was sitting at the bar with some girls from school, then I woke up nude, alone in my ex boyfriends car in his driveway. I didn't know what to do so I just walked back to the bar and drove home, went to bed and tried for weeks to piece the night together and figure out what happened.
    Then, 5 weeks later to the day I found out that I was pregnant. I told my husband everything and we decided to get a prenatal paternity test, and plan our next move from there. He forgave me instantly, but I still haven't forgiven myself.
    When we found out that we could in no way afford the testing I freaked out. Started having nightmares and crying all the time. I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed for a week, so we decided I should have an abortion but now that it's done I'm feeling worse than ever.
    I can't talk to my family or my friends, I don't even want to see them. And if it weren't for my beautiful daughter I think I wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the mornings. I don't even recognize myself anymore, can't stand to look in the mirror because it makes me sick to see my own face and I can't lay down next to my husband at night.
    I've not had a drink since that night, 2 months ago, but I feel like I'm drunk all the time. I want to die, I killed an innocent baby after I made this terrible mistake and my husband just doesn't understand. He's trying really hard to be close to me again, which was all I ever wanted but I just can't handle it. When he comes in from work I go to bed, when he goes to bed I sit and cry in the living room until I'm too exhausted to keep my eyes open.
    I just wish someone would tell me how I can get back to being me, I was so happy before all this started and as much as I love him, and hate myself, I still find myself blaming him and have as much trouble looking at him as I do myself. Will I ever be okay? How do I get through this? How can I get better? How can I come back from what I've done? I'm so lost, and so alone. Someone please tell me there are answers, someone help me.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You need professional help.. A pdoc and a good therapist... If I had to choose I would go with the therapist..You need to get this out in the open and get positive feedback..You can get thru this but it takes time,,,Don't expect miracles because it takes long hard work on your part..Maybe include your husband in a few sessions when you start feeling better..Good Luck...
  3. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    I want to get help, but I can't talk to people face to face. It's hard to look someone in the eye and tell them what I've done, what I'm feeling and I think it would be a waste of time and money to sit there for an hour and say nothing. I've tried to talk to friends and family, but they judge me so harshly that I can't face them after. My own aunt and uncle disowned me after I came to them for support, and my best friend wants nothing to do with me because of the abortion. My whole life is falling apart. My husband is trying to be supportive, and blaming himself for my indiscretion and that just makes it worse. I am the one who screwed up, I am the one who did wrong, but he says he led me to it, that he was neglecting me and that's why I strayed. And yes, he was neglecting me, but I made the choice to go out and get wasted and I was the one who ended up sleeping with someone else. Then, to try to get over the guild I killed an innocent baby who had never even had a chance to grow and breathe. If I can't trust my friends and family to listen without judgment, how can I live with this myself?
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    They have no right to judge you hun no right at all We all have our faults we all have done things we are not proud of They are not friends and were never true firends if they can sit there and judge you now. You get help you get grief councelling okay you get support for you You need it and deserve it hun hugs
  5. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    I am going to tell you what I think about the abortion as a person who my mother try to abort me, she thought I had died, but I didn't, I can tell you that your child is in heaven, next to God and has forgiven you, you have repented and ask for forgiveness, so you should be forgiven, stay close to God, he is always there for you, if you can reach out to groups that help preventing abortions and tell your experience to others, so that they don't do it, that can be a way to give back and there will be a good deed done for others.

    God bless you, your husband who sounds like a fantastic human being, your daughter and that beautiful soul next to God. Big hug.
  6. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Bornagain. Maybe once I get better and get back to being me I will be able to do just that.
    It's just struck me that no matter how hard we try to hold on to our beliefs and personal morals, difficult events in our lives can make us do things we normaly wouldn't do, and going against one's nature causes confusion, and loss of self. Forgiveness is easy, when it's someone else you are forgiving, but so much harder when it's yourself.
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