The last several weeks have been the hardest of my life. My husband and I were so very disconnected, and I still don't know why, but no matter how I reached out he wouldn't respond. He wouldn't kiss me, hold me or even touch me and I started drinking, feeling sorry for myself, every night after class. One night I got really drunk, likely more drunk than I have ever been. The last thing I remember was sitting at the bar with some girls from school, then I woke up nude, alone in my ex boyfriends car in his driveway. I didn't know what to do so I just walked back to the bar and drove home, went to bed and tried for weeks to piece the night together and figure out what happened. Then, 5 weeks later to the day I found out that I was pregnant. I told my husband everything and we decided to get a prenatal paternity test, and plan our next move from there. He forgave me instantly, but I still haven't forgiven myself. When we found out that we could in no way afford the testing I freaked out. Started having nightmares and crying all the time. I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed for a week, so we decided I should have an abortion but now that it's done I'm feeling worse than ever. I can't talk to my family or my friends, I don't even want to see them. And if it weren't for my beautiful daughter I think I wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the mornings. I don't even recognize myself anymore, can't stand to look in the mirror because it makes me sick to see my own face and I can't lay down next to my husband at night. I've not had a drink since that night, 2 months ago, but I feel like I'm drunk all the time. I want to die, I killed an innocent baby after I made this terrible mistake and my husband just doesn't understand. He's trying really hard to be close to me again, which was all I ever wanted but I just can't handle it. When he comes in from work I go to bed, when he goes to bed I sit and cry in the living room until I'm too exhausted to keep my eyes open. I just wish someone would tell me how I can get back to being me, I was so happy before all this started and as much as I love him, and hate myself, I still find myself blaming him and have as much trouble looking at him as I do myself. Will I ever be okay? How do I get through this? How can I get better? How can I come back from what I've done? I'm so lost, and so alone. Someone please tell me there are answers, someone help me.