How can I express my pain?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mike308, Aug 11, 2007.

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  1. mike308

    mike308 Well-Known Member

    Words just don't always work to describe the pain that comes with this time of year..
    Ever since my twin brother died a few years ago, my life have been unraveling. I loved the man, he was my brother, my best friend, we were soul mates, I was never alone as long as he was alive.. Peas in a pod.. I actualy knew him for longer then he lived.. we shared the same wome for 9 months before we were born... then he died and I couldn't do a thing to help him...
    I WISH I WERE DEAD... I have tried in the past and still bear the scars...
    As each year passes and time goes on... it just gets worce...
    the raw pain is gone, but he calls to me some times and I have to stop what I am doing an CRY..
    I am a big hard 6ft 200lb man, but I have to stop and weep..
    My tears burn down my face.. I morn for him and feel so angry at the same time...
    Death seems to be an answer to my pain, but it doesn't come quick enought..
    so I drink it away.
    That's why my life is unraveling before me, wife, job,money, just don't mean anything any more.
    Like I said words just can't decribe what I am feeling..
  2. gemusan

    gemusan Active Member

    Sorry about your brother. I can't imagine the loss of someone THAT close...

    Here's a quote that came to mind:

    "There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will."
    - Epictetus

    Your brother is gone and it is beyond the power of your will. Think about how he'd feel if he knew how you're wasting your life away.
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh God to lose a twin:sad: I know how bad this can be cos one of my closest friends was an identical twin and her sister died.
    She often says she feels like she lost half of herself, that they thought of themselves as 2 halves of a whole. The way she copes with the loss is to talk to her sister as if she were still here and to talk about her to friends and family when the "missing her" gets too bad.
    Have you no one you can sit down with who will let you just talk about him? Reminiscing though sad is also joyful when the relationship was a good one. :hug:
  4. JFonseka

    JFonseka Active Member

    Do your brother proud, live life like how he would have lived it and how he would have wanted you to live it. You have your wife as well to support you. I will pray for you. Don't end your life, your brother wouldn't have wanted it that way, your wife would not, neither do any of us here, and neither does God.

  5. mike308

    mike308 Well-Known Member

    No, there isn't anyone I am close to. Not even my wife. I pushed them all away in my grief and pain.
    We are still together in the same house, more from convience and routine then anything else.
    She leaves me alone while I struggle with trying to make a living and keep up apperances.
    There really isn't much to say or do..
    I am not a kid and know there isn't anything I can do to bring him back..
    When the black/grayness comes over my soul.. I look at all the people that are laughting and smilling and I really hate them, well maybe it's envy..
    It's worce this time of year, he would have been 51 in a few days.
    I used to play with my firearms as I was drinking, but now I put them away.
    When you are really on the edge, it's not hard to slipoff.
    I like this forum, the moderators are doing a wonderfull service.
    when there is no one else to turn to, someone is here.
    While, you arn't making me feel any better at least I can let out my sorrow and grife and not have someone tell to "get over it", "it's been along enought"
    "what is the matter with you anyway"
  6. Azul

    Azul Well-Known Member

    If I was you I would be suicidal as well. I know what it's like to have a brother you really love.
  7. JFonseka

    JFonseka Active Member

    Nothing can make him come back, especially after all these years, as harsh as it sounds, that's just reality, since nothing else has worked for you, why don't you pray? Just hang on there...
  8. mike308

    mike308 Well-Known Member

    PRAY TO WHOM????
    GOD ??? His Son Jesus Christ???
    The one thing Mark's death did for me, was to make me a born again Christian, but obviously not a very good one..
    I was a proud, self-centered, arragont man, with a carree path and a future,
    But no love and no God..
    Now I am a broken soul, but one with more kindness for others like me.. the Sad, broken people you see on the streets.
    GOD talks with a quite voice, but this time of year I somehow don't hear him.
    The blackness just comes in and I yearn for the cold nothingness of the grave/ even GODS judgement would be better then what I have now.
    Death to many is the end. Christians believe that in Death there is nothing to fear.
    Christ the redeemer offers forgiveness, comfort from pain and peace...
    Somehow I lack all three.
  9. JFonseka

    JFonseka Active Member

    Do you read the Bible often? How often do you pray. Prayer, bible reading and church going, those 3 will help greatly if you do it, prayer and bible reading daily is a must, especially in crisis, church once a week. Well at least you had a life changing experience and you have 'kindness' as you put it, do you pray for your brother?
  10. mike308

    mike308 Well-Known Member

    I read my bible everyday, mostly the new testament. I don't need an angry GOD right now. Pray when my heart is in it, but being where I am now, don't feel like I have a right to ask for much.
    Afterall I am ready to make a life and death decission that is/ should be GOD's.
    Church.. I am too ashamed to show up, my sins overwhelm me..
    If I kill myself do you think I will still go to heven???
    I am a born again Christian and I do believe in Christ....... I am not mocking him... I wouldn't do that.... I fear the LORD and when you are where I am, it's already a thin edge.
    Have you ever sat in a dark room with your brothers ashes and weeped for hours/ a couple of days???
    Woke up in a hospital with tubes because someone came home too soon???
    Methods are not allowed here, so let me decribe the best that I can..
    trying to decide weather to end life and go for the unknown,,DEATH, or hang on to this misseralable thing we call life for another day..
    each day is a descision, Like a soldier is combat.. life or death.. nothing else means shit...
    If life is the choice, then drink away the pain at the end of that day and make another decision in the morning...
    DON't you judge me.... there are more of us then you think/know
  11. JFonseka

    JFonseka Active Member

    Well, no one knows if someone goes to heaven or hell because we aren't allowed to judge, after all Jesus said judge not unless ye be judged yourself.
  12. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I'm an only child, but I was very close to my cousin for 30 years. He developed schizophrenia, became paranoid, and shut himself away from me. He attempted suicide three times. I don't know if he's dead or alive. He was the only family I had left.

    I know the feeling of not having the strength to go on. I have a very strong feeling that says I shouldn't be here, that I should be dead and gone like the rest of my family. The older I get, the harder it is to make friends. Every day I feel like I'm walking a tightrope. It isn't easy.

    As much as I want to die, I'm afraid of death. I'm afraid of permanently injuring myself, which would make things worse. The best thing I can do is hope that things will get better.
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