How can I 'fall out of love' indefinitely?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by KittyGirl, May 29, 2010.

  1. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I really need to know.
    I was holding off asking this question because I assume I kind of know all of the possible things I can do already... but it's been a year. Nothing is working- there are things I kind of refuse to try for moral reasons...

    My situation is the same; I remain locked in my room- but I am SO SICK of thinking about him all the time.
    My Ex and I were together for 8 years, he was the only person I was ever sexually attracted to in my life and the only person I allowed myself to fall in love with... but I can't seem to 'fall out of love' < I'm beginning to think that that phrase is complete bullshit.
    Apparently though... he was able to get over me in 2 months.

    ...and I am soo hopeless... T__T
    Please help me?
    What would you do in this situation?
  2. kitanai

    kitanai Well-Known Member

    the ones we love we nvr get over i only wait for the next one to hurt me and for me to hurt them i hope theres no one stupid enough to fall for me staying hidden from life ensures that i cant bare the hurting
  3. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    All I can really say is you have to try and force yourself to move on. Meet new people. It definitely takes time and everybody is different on how long it will take. I know you have that problem with leaving your room. Maybe you could start by trying to spend time out of your room maybe the living room..and from there you could work to maybe just being outside by the door for a few minutes. You know.. just take small steps to get past your fear. I know I'm not exactly one to talk.. I have problems going outside myself so yeah... I only leave the house for work or errands...
  4. perry_mason

    perry_mason Well-Known Member

    i wishj i knew how to forget

    ive been looking into ect and lobotomy coz i seroiously dont know what else i can do to try anf forget about aimee.
  5. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    If you find out Vanessa, please...i beg you to tell me also...
  6. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    As long as you stay locked in your room, you won't have anything to preoccupy yourself with in order to get over anything. Maybe he got over you so quickly because he was out and about and involved, and not wallowing and sulking in a corner.
  7. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    So then- there is absolutely no way I can get over him without meeting new people or starting a new relationship?

    I've resolved not to date anymore- and remain celebate... but as far as I've gathered the only 'cures' are- LOTS of time, or 'finding a new love'... and I really don't want to put myself through any of it anymore.
    I'm not looking for a new boyfriend- I just want to stop wanting my old one. was a stupid question, I guess.
    It's taking so long though... and driving me crazy... -__- I hate the human heart.
  8. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    Then don't look for a new boyfriend. Look for a new life... get involved in community things, volunteer, read books, meet a new friend or friends, write a book. You have to find something to put your energy into to remove it from him, or else it will deteriorate inside you. It's still going to be hard to get over it, but it will be a lot easier when you have other things on your mind and new goals. As long as you're only stuck with yourself thinking about him, he's going to be the only thing you think about. Occupying yourself with new and positive things helps in the recovery process.
  9. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    If you find yourself a pasttime, something you truly love, you will have a much easier time forgetting. Anything is better than sitting around thinking about it.
  10. Eld

    Eld Member

    The problem with just forgetting is that it always comes back to you. Perhaps you will forget those feelings for a while then one day something will remind you of them and immediately, they will all return to you. Forgetting will be all that much harder when there are good moments mixed in those experiences.

    I think the question is whether you want to forget about love as a feeling or specifically the feelings you once had and may still have for this person. Either way, an approach may be to objectify your feelings, instead of simply trying to forget them. Perhaps you can try to take yourself through a thinking process below and see if it helps a bit.

    Fundamentally, being in love is a feeling. At time it can be intense and overwhelming. However it is no different than any feelings in nature. By that I mean it is an emotional state that differs from a neutral state. An emotional state can be positive and negative, and also it is always anchored to or triggered by something.

    To visualise it, you may want to imagine a flow of energy. When it is positive, the colour of the energy is pink; when it is negative, the colour of the energy is blue. When a positive anchor/trigger presents itself, a pink stream of energy flows from you to the anchor/trigger. Putting that in context, when you are in love with someone, and you think about how happy that person makes you, a pink energy connects you to that person. This makes you feel happy.

    Conversely, when a negative anchor/trigger appears, such as when you think about missing someone who you loved, a blue energy flows from you to that anchor/trigger, and as a result you feel sad.

    The importance of being able to visualise this concept is so that you can recognise that how you connect your feelings to an anchor/trigger is not set in stone. You can have a great deal of control over your own feelings in simply being able to control what energy to associate to different anchors/triggers. Since love is a feeling, you can try to control it too. There are a few techniques to use, and I will suggest one that I often take.

    When your feelings for him return next time, try not to avoid them regardless of whether they are good or bad. Instead, think about those feelings and identify some common themes. They may be good feelings like: enjoyable dates you have spent together, or the nice things you have spoken to each other, or maybe something more intimate. They may be bad feelings like: missing him and being lonely, or seeing him with another person.

    Then you start the visualising all these little feelings into flows of energy. The anchor/trigger in this case is a person. You should try to visualise these different flows of different coloured energy connecting you and him. These are the feelings that you experience when you think about him. The clearer the image, the more easily it becomes to do the next step.

    Now once you have that visual image, you should think about severing the flows of energy from you to him. It could be done by shear of wind or something else you think can cut. This act of cutting is important. It is not about forgetting your feelings, but rather you are making a conscious effort to dissociate your feelings from a particular anchor/trigger, i.e. him. So once you have severed the connections, thoughts about him should no longer invoke those feelings from you. You are still capable of those feelings, though they are no longer associate with that person.

    You should try this process when you are relaxed and in a quiet place, so you won't be interrupted during your visualisation. This does take some mental discipline, so it will not always work. I should also say that there is a downside to doing this too often for a lot of different anchors/triggers, and that's you might end up a bit too apathetic.

    Still, I think if you are looking for an alternative. This is an option worth trying. I hope it helps.
  11. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    You are in love with him, and you're grieving. It's okay to grieve, and be depressed because you were strongly attached to him, and when you both broke up, it must have had a huge effect on you.

    Try not to harm yourself over him, his rejection, and your perception that he's over you. I had the same impression from my ex when I broke up with her, it was 7 years, similar time to yourself, and after 12 months, she got in contact with me, thinking, I was the same (I wasn't- my life improved 100x when I broke it off), and that there was an option of at least friendship. There wasn't. But I thought, she'd be over me and hadn't suffered grief, and more importantly, what I processed for months that nearly killed me, which was realising how badly she treated me.

    She wasn't over it. And she was shocked how well I was.

    8 years is a long time, and unless your BF was like myself, and had attachment issues that made intimacy very risky, I suspect, he's not over you.