How can I feel safe again?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Witty_Sarcasm, Sep 5, 2016.

  1. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I live in a small area, so everyone knows your business. You have to watch who you open up to, because you can end up saying things to the wrong person. I was gossiped about in school, even by friends. I can't talk to my family because they will just invalidate my feelings. So logically I turned to the internet for support. But then I get hurt online too. I tried to talk to a friend on Skype the other day, but it was someone else on the other end. I was confused and I assumed he had been hacked. Well, it turns out that he had given someone access to his account. This person copied and pasted snippets of out conversations to my Facebook message box, and basically they knew all of my secrets. I don't understand why someone I trusted would let someone else be privy to my private thoughts and things I thought would not get out.

    Anyway, this seems to be a recurring pattern in my life. I feel I may need to adopt a pseudonym since I have a unique surname and it is easy to find me. I am afraid to open up to people. I think I will be criticized, put down, and made fun of behind my back. I don't know who I can trust, because even the people who seem the most trustworthy end up stabbing me in the back. I am fearful and paranoid of what will happen next, if people will stalk me or use things against me. This is just another reason why I don't want to be around anymore. So how can I learn to feel safe and trust people again?
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    This is my dilemma. I could have just wrote than hun, seriously every word. Can relate to you a lot. I will be watching this thread as I want answers too. (hugs) you're so damn nice, you do not deserve any of this.
     
  3. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Thank you, so are you :) I feel that is my problem. Being too nice and caring makes me vulnerable to attack. I should be cold hearted but then I don't think I could get to that point.
     
  4. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    What about blocking certain people. That way you do not see all the stuff they post.

    Hugs. Not sure what else you can do besides keep your head high and not let it get to you.
     
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  5. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I do block the people that hurt me, it still stays with me though. I mean it affects my trust in people and it is hard for me to get to know new people. But I have to realize that not everyone will betray me and try to stop living in fear.
     
  6. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    Hello Sweetie,

    I have noticed the pattern, a lot of the friends you make turn out to be people you shouldn't trust or be around.

    Try to analyse that pattern, what do those people have in common that attracted you at first? It's probably not easy to find out but think about it. Over 80% of the people are nice and trustworthy, at some point it can't just be bad luck.

    I see a lot of patterns like this but usually it's in intimate relationship. Like a friend who always get into abusive relationship and hate it (obviously) but is only attracted to "tough" guys when she is single.

    Good luck!

    *hugs*
     
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  7. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    You're right, I need to figure out what I am doing wrong and take steps to fix it. Then I will stop attracting the wrong types of people into my life.
     
    Northern likes this.
  8. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    I keep to myself those days and only open up to one person. The Therapist. Other than that I don't even bother mentioning my problems as never know if it will bite me in the end
     
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  9. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I am starting to feel that way, too. I usually just post here if I am upset, but other than that, I don't open up very much.
     
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  10. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time Witty. I really like you and I think very highly of you. You are a very kind and caring person.
     
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  11. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Thank you so much :) I feel the same about you :)
     
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  12. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I don't feel like I can trust anyone because of a fear they will throw it all back in my face, mock me or discard my feelings and troubles. I ONLY open up anonymously. I learned a long time ago that places like facebook can be the loneliest places on earth. Social media and the media in general is nasty and cruel. People are very brave behind their keyboards. I will never write anything online or through any internet platform that contains my real name. I always use a pseudonym, even my real email address doesn't contain my actual name. I don't care if it looks paranoid, because it keeps me safe. Whatever is written online stays online, even if you delete it, it can be found through archives. It's important to be really careful. I don't use social media at all.

    I also live in a small town and became friendly with the absolute wrong person when I moved here. My bf stood up to him when he said something really inappropriate, and we are now being shunned by "his" half of the community. It's so weird, I live in a retirement community and you'd think that the more aged a person got, the more mature they'd be, not so!! The town seems to be divided in 2. If you don't like "John", then half the town doesn't like you, but the other half loves you...so odd...I prefer to keep to myself anyway. I'm sure the gossip is hot about me, but I just don't care anymore.

    You can't stop people from being cruel, but protecting yourself is vital. I know this sounds extreme, but I managed it years ago...after burning out, facing my mental health illnesses and going through therapy, I disowned my family for very good reasons. I also stopped contact with my circle of friends. Gossip started, I was "crazy", "institutionalized", "out of my mind", "influenced by a mother-hating shrink"...even though I lived in a big city, the local community I belonged too was tiny. I felt like I was trapped in my own home. I decided to take a big step. I started the process of a legal name change. It took $2000 and two and a half years, but I finally legally got a new first name and a new last name. During that process, I didn't tell a soul about it except my therapist who fully supported me. When I got my certificate it was so odd because it was now illegal of me to use my old name. I had to change all of my identification, including my birth certificate and school records! The whole process was therapeutic.

    Then I decided I couldn't live in that city with a new identity so I moved 1200 km to a new town. I simply packed my bags, my dogs and left. I started a new life and that was the turning point in my recovery.

    I know that not everyone can do this, but I felt like it was my only hope and it worked for me. I was broke as heck, but happy and felt safe again.
     
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  13. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker


    I am so sorry all of this happened to you. People can really be cruel, and it seems as if they like to cut others down in order to make themselves feel better. I do need a fresh start, and I was just talking to a friend about this. She thinks I need to focus on myself and my own needs and not worry about people who do not care about me. I think this will really help me.
     
    Frances M likes this.
  14. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    @Frances M I have bad news for you, I really like you. I think you are a very brave and smart individual. We are all lucky to have you with us at SF.
     
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  15. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    That's so sweet, thank you for the bad news! ;)
     
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  16. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Fresh starts are just amazing for the spirit! It's hard to stop caring what others think, it takes practice, but you're so much better off for it. And yes, I do believe that "misery loves company" and that's why most people feel the need to be so nasty.
     
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  17. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I have always had a hard time not caring about others' opinions. I know if I could stop doing that, it would help me greatly. My worth isn't based on what others think about me, it is based on what I feel about myself. I think if I were to move out of town, find a decent job and a new circle of friends, that would put me in a better state of mind.
     
    Frances M likes this.
  18. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    It took me many years not to care about what others thought. A lot of it has to do with rebuilding confidence in yourself. When we suffer mental illness, self-esteem is sometimes non-existent...once you start slowly doing things to make you happy, like finding enjoyable hobbies, taking care of your looks, eating well, wearing nice lingerie, finding some kind of spirituality (if that's your cup of tea)...anything to make YOU feel good, your self-esteem gets better and you can stop focusing on others and just focus more on you. That's how it worked in my case.

    But really, what did turn my life around was a complete restart. I had no choice, I was not going to survive otherwise. Planning that restart kept me going until I had the money to achieve it all. I even had a countdown on how many days left until I could leave my crummy apartment.
     
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