How Can I Get Him To Listen???

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Butterfly, Nov 11, 2011.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Erm, so I don't know where I am going with this and don't know if this will end up in one big rant but this post is about my dad really. I really am at the end of my tether with him. I love him to bits but he keeps taking the piss full stop. For as long as I can remember he has been a weekend binge drinker. When I was younger he perhaps used to have maybe 8 beers or so on a friday and saturday night and that was it. It didn't seem to excessive and he was never really drunk. But as the years have gone on his binge drinking has got worse and worse. He moved on from beers to two bottles of wine and now it has turned into about four beers and two bottles of wine every friday and saturday night. He even drank a whole litre bottle of gin to himself a couple of weeks back. It doesn't matter how many times me and my mother try to talk to him he gets offensive and abusive. Last Sunday we had a massive row over it and he called me out on my depression to defendbhis drinking habits so I went absolutely batshit crazy at him. I screamed so loud at him and had to stop myself getting violent. He later apologised and I told him that is fair enough but actions speak louder than words. Tonight business has resumed as usual. He had two beers and said he only had one bottle of wine but I know he hid one outside. He was absolutrly wrecked. It is affecting us in so many ways. He is extremely obese. He is about 25 stone and getting bigger. His asthma is getting worse and he keeps the whole house awake at night with his excessively loud snoring and sleep apnoea. Not matter what I do or say he will not listen. I just know time will take it's toll and he will either have a heart attack or a stroke, or get stopped by the police the morning after his binges and have his driving license taken off him cause he would blow over the limit. All of these consequences would be devastating to him and to me and my mum and would seriously affect our lives. He is also currently having CBT for PTSD supposedly but he will not be honest with his therapist. It angers me because I so desperately want therapy but cannot get it but he is just wasting it. Everything is getting to the point where I am beginning to resent him. I don't want to because he is a good dad, super in most ways but I cannot take this anymore. His snoring now is so so loud even with his bedroom door shut, my bedroom door shut and both of our tvs on. I just want to smack him round the head with a baseball bat and tell him to shut the fuck up. I am really desperate and at the end of my tether. Help???
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 11, 2011
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I just posted a visitor's message to let you know i care and I am sorry you are going through this...tty 2morrow when the brain cells recover, but I did not want you to think this went unnoticed...much caring
     
  3. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Your dad needs to get into alcoholic counseling. Is he willing to do that?
     
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    It is just so hard. I am scared for his health and don't want to lose him. But if he carries on the way he is he will end up losing me until he changes and I don't want that as it will devastate us both and possibly make the situation worse. I feel so upset, angry and impulsive right now. I have tried so hard to deal with my own problems as of late and my mood has been great. Now I feel so flat and a little suicidal all because of this shit going on tonight. I cannot sleep because it is like sleeping in the same house with a pneumatic drill going off constantly and gasps for breath. I don't want to go on a downward spiral.
     
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    No he will not admit he has a problem with drinking and will not tell his psychotherapist about it eitherm
     
  6. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Is there a way you could go with him on one of his sessions, and let the therapist know ahead of time? Closet alcoholics are the worst in avoidance. This needs to be brought out.
     
  7. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    No way will he let me go. I wouldn't say he is an alcoholic cos this only happens on weekends and he can function without but it is just so excessive.
     
  8. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    eventually it will start spilling over to other days... then you've got a problem.
     
  9. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I dont't think so. It has been this way for years.
     
  10. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    He could be drinking at other times, and you would never know. He needs to be straight about his drinking to you, your mum, and his therapist.
     
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    (((Butterfly)))

    This is so difficult to handle, and of course his behavior is affecting you and your mother. Unfortunately I think he is an alcoholic, although I don't generally like labels. To hide drink is a big red flag for me. I used to find stuff all over the house, in the wierdest of spots.

    The time to talk with him is when he is sober, perhaps out in public if you can like a restaurant or similar, so that everyone remains calm but talks. It is likely he will deny he has an issue or realize how it is affecting everyone else in the house. It would be nice if you could accompany him to one of his therapy sessions, or even if your mum could.

    A great friend of mine are earplugs, could you invest in some so that the snoring etc. isn't bothering you so much?? It sounds daft, but whatever works....

    I completely understand how a situation like this can rip through your heart. I'm so sorry.
     
  12. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    lexibubble :hug: :hug: :hug:

    I hope you have found some way to go to sleep.

    I have been thinking of your situation since you left chat earlier.

    I know AA has brochures on if you are an alcoholic or not, many are downloadable. Bet you if your dad was honest and looked one over, he would see he has a real problem. People with a problem hide bottles. This is a fact.

    What you are dealing with is so difficult. What you need and I don't know if they have in the UK is Al-Anon, which is for the families of alcoholics.

    It really helps you understand whats going on and how you can help.

    Most alcoholics who are functional are made that way by family. Not true in all situations, but many are enabled. The key is to stop enabling them. This is a difficult thing to do but many have found success and hope.

    I suggested a visit to AA website and take a look at their literature, and see what you can see.

    Love you lexibubble and I am here for you.
     
  13. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Thanks for the advise guys but I am afraid they are wasted words. I have tried talking to him sober countless times over the years but he denies he has a problem. He just "enjoys a drink at the weekend". He won't let any of in with him for his therapy sessions either. Doesn't matter how hard I try or how many times I try to explain to him, he denies there is a serious problem.
     
  14. takencontrol

    takencontrol Well-Known Member

    im sorry you are going through this hun, unfortunately if he wont admit anything there is not a lot you can do, if he wont accept the truth there is no way of helping. it took me to be virtually carried home from the pub by my kids to admit i had a problem. being an alcoholic doesnt necessarily mean drinking every day etc, as soon as your drinking is causing any kind of problems it IS a problem. :hug:
     
  15. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I just feel that it is probably going to take something drastic before he realises the damage he is doing and no doubt it will be devastating rather than an epiphany as such. He can function without the booze but he chooses to indulge every weekend and I guess in some ways it is an addiction because he can't go a weekend without being absolutely slaughtered. I cannot live with this anymore but financially cannot afford to move out so I am stuck with this. I am fed up being in a mood with him because what I say goes in one ear and out the other. I should be proud of my dad not embarassed by him.
     
  16. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    It is difficult watching a loved one hurt themselves and to deal with the resulting chaos on an every week basis.

    I hear you. And as you say, its going to take him coming to some sort of realization that he has a problem. That is the first step in getting better and unfortunately the vast majority of people can't be told they have this problem, they gotta get it themselves.

    We are here to support you. Listen to you. Love you.
     
  17. cannolongercope

    cannolongercope Active Member

    1, I would get ear plugs for when I wanted to sleep and one of those wifi headsets to hear the TV.

    2. I hope your country has the AA programs, which would mean Alnon would also be available. If so, please try Alnon.

    It sounds very stressful and an ever ending battle for you.

    Take care.
     
  18. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sometimes, the best we can do for another is to strengthen ourselves...is there someone you can talk to so that you can be most effective in protecting yourself and your dad? It sounds like he has long term problems and also needs care himself...people cannot be changed...they have to want to change, which is also why caring for yourself is so important
     
  19. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I don't really know who I could talk to really if I am honest. Just gonna read up about what I can do who has a relative in denial about their problem see if I can get any good advice. I don't want to change him into a choir boy I just want him to see how he is damaging those he loves most but it always fails. I just find it difficult to look after myself when I am busying worrying over everyone else and trying to figure out what is going on in my own head, dealing with my own rapid mood swings, effed up sleep patterns and the fact I am gong to be bumming around for months, possibly making things worse.
     
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