How can I get the guts to end my miserable life?

Nobody would care if I died. Whenever I mention my problems to my father, he replies by saying "Don't start this again." My mother is insane (has been hospitalized several times) and my brother never talks to me. Due to family fighting, I never see my extended family anymore. I haven't had any friends in ten years. I am 25 years old and have never had a girl interested in me. I bust my ass off at work, performing multiple tasks at a time, and my boss couldn't be more unappreciative of my efforts. I was bullied endlessly growing up and first thought of suicide when I was in middle school. Despite switching schools several times, my peers at every school would constantly point out my physical faults and make me feel bad about myself. That, coupled with females reacting to the sight of me with absolute freight, has deflated my self-esteem. Growing up, hardly anyone talked to me in a friendly manner and I never got to hang out with anybody; this has hindered my social development. I have a very hard time communicating verbally, which leads others to believe that I am an unintelligent person. Whenever I bring up my problems online, people respond by saying shit like "Quit feeling sorry for yourself," "Life is what you make it, so any problems that you encounter are your own fault," and "Deal with it like a man." After so many unanswered prayers, I lost my faith in a compassionate God. Nobody cares about me and I wish I had the balls to free myself once and for all from this horrible world that seems to get worse with every generation.

 

You aren't feeling sorry for yourself, its not that you lack the balls to kill yourself, you're reaching out to the wrong people, those who lash back at you. you have legitimate reasons for feeling how you do.
I don't think therapy works for everybody but its good for understanding why things happen the way they do in your life...and that cause/effect relationship can lead to change.
As far as women, men who are confident in themselves can get women because they know themselves and can project that with strength, but I recommend starting slow to learn this, maybe with a support group. I know it might sound cliche or lame but really if its support you need and you have absolutely none it's a really good place to start. People who are willing to see beyond your struggle with suicidal feelings that others label as weak or attention-getting behavior can give you the right kind of attention by validating your emotions and providing a healthy support system (sometimes I wonder about this site, I know its absolutely great for a lot of purposes, that's why I come here, but when there's this suicide-tag thing where one minute one person is at the end of their rope, then its somebody else, I don't know if it really lends itself to getting better...instead of saying 'i really need somebody to talk to' oftentimes people put forth an ultimatum "this is the end, goodbye'' which is really a poor approach to asking for help, unless the person is serious, in which case it is cruel and torturous to the rest of us. It doesn't focus our attention on learning from each other, boy I hope nobody take that personally)...

anyways good luck, I can tell for certain that you're not a weak person because you're not blaming other people and you're asking for help.

 

Thanks for understanding, VALIS.

Back in 2001, I attended a group therapy session at my old university after a failed suicide "attempt" (it was actually more of a cry for help than a legitimate attempt). None of the regulars showed up the following week; no one showed up the week after that either, and thus the rest of the sessions were subsequently canceled.

One-on-one sessions also had no positive effect on me. My counselor, who completely disregarded any external contribution to my depression, attributed it to a chemical imbalance. She prescribed medicine, which due to nasty side effects only compounded my problems. When I told her that the antidepressants weren't making me feel any better, she increased the dosage instead of examining the source of my mental state. It should be self-evident that people who have suffered through bad experiences (borderline traumatic in my case) are much more likely to become depressed. Unfortunately, common sense doesn't always prevail in the world of psychology. In the end, I felt as though the unhelpful psychiatrist was concerned more about the $20 that I paid for each session than about me as a person.

I have tried to project confidence in the past and that seemed to repel girls even more. After being shot down and rebuked so many times, it is hard to muster up any sort of confidence. Obviously, guys who constantly receive positive feedback from women will be more confident than guys like me who have been proven to be incapable of attracting the opposite sex. Psychology 101.

As for the "I'm going to end it all tonight" posts, they could be legitimate or a desperate cry for help. In either case, they should be taken seriously. Some people don't receive the attention they need in life. They are overlooked, ignored, cut down while speaking, and not paid any attention to unless it's of the negative sort. That, in part, may explain for the dramatic tone to some of these posts. Admittedly, I have made a few of those myself on other online communities.

Thanks again, VALIS, for your warm-hearted response!

 

Your absolutely right, this is why we have so many school shootings for instance. We keep stupidly blaming guns, violence on TV because they are the easy things to blame for when its us at fault. We ignore these poor, tortured people, we're afraid to get "our hands dirty with them" and then we wonder why they eventually snap. Society does on a whole ignore them and I'm sorry you had such a negative experience with that counseler, sure fire way to make a depressed, suicidal person feel even worse.

I'm in very much your position emptytank, sorry thats all I can say, I also feel that I just wish I could "snap" and just kill myself without any fear, hesitation.

 

Amen! What's worse is when the media pin the blame unfairly on the parents. In most cases, the parents were working to support the family while their children got abused and tortured in school. Meanwhile, school faculty turns a blind eye to this mistreatment and gets off scot-free! In my case, some teachers even joined in on the taunting!

I hear ya, Rahul. We have no will to live yet no will to die. It is undoubtedly a tough position to be in. Best of luck to you!

 

I had to write to you emptytank because I feel for you,first of all the one's that say stop feeling sorry for yourself and life is what you make it haven't got a clue what you're feeling.I know it's annoying and frustrating but try your best to ignore them as hard as it is,I understand your situation my friend I think you will find on this site more than supportive and understanding people to say the least.

If you like to chat any way I'm here anytime and understand your situation,I'm deeply sorry about your mother also.

 

Thanks! I have already received more helpful support here than I have ever received in my entire life. I guess it helps to speak with people going through similar problems as opposed to people who may have problems but not on the same scale as us. Yes, there are people who have it worse -- like innocent children in Sudan having to endure famine, drought, disease and endless war (that's another typical response that I get) -- but the relative trivialness of our hardships shouldn't render them completely unimportant. Even Mother Theresa is quoted as saying, "The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved." Sorry for going off on a tangent there. I just had to vent a little. :smile:

 

After another lonely weekend, it's time to brace myself for another hectic week of work. I feel like running away for good and throwing everything down the drain. It's not like I would be leaving much behind because nobody cares about me. I can't take this life anymore.

 

Yes other people have it bad also but your pain is also serious remember that,and if you could've felt better and solved it all you would've ages ago it's not that you love this pain.

 

hmy: I couldn't have said It better myself. :bunny:

 

Exactly.

 

The act of suicide goes against the instinct of self-preservation that is biologically ingrained in all of us. For me, that barrier is broken down with each passing day. Someday, some event is going to send me over the proverbial edge and trigger my suicide. At that moment, I will know that the time is right for me because I will have mustered the guts to finally go through with my plans. If things don't turn around for me, I hope the "final straw" comes soon so that I can put the flames out on this nightmarish life once and for all.

 

Hi emptytank,

I also have been disliked since childhood for many reasons and never fitted into any accepted social groups. Loneliness and feeling unloved are crippling but I know you are a very brave person to have fought life for this long. Please keep fighting........and pm me if you fancy a chat......take care