16 years of age....I'm only 16 and I am a very high point in suicidal thoughts, and i feel worthless than nothing.
I been like this for about 6-10 years. the last time i can recall true innocent happiness was when i defended my little brother from a toddler who stole his lollipop. i was six at the time and beat up this kid and gave my brother the lolly. he also kicked sand in my brother's face. i didn't completely beat up the kid but i stopped as soon as i got the lolly. then he threw a stone at me as i was tending to my brother. Then i beat him til he passed out from loss of blood. I most likely broke his nose. protecting my brother and those years prior to that were happy and safe. After that when i got to school i was picked on by adults and kids alike. i couldn't have justice because i didn't know how to say it right, not 'cause i am a liar or anything, i just didn't know the words....i could go through it, but i wanna forget it all. I was lied to my whole life or at least it's how i feel. The adults who are "responsible" and there to "help" me picked on me
not to mention i also got beat up for verbally assaulting anyone who harmed me, i tried to make them feel as bad as i did, instead i got my ass handed to me all the time and never won. another reason why i feel worthless...>_> I was lied to about my teen years being full of hope and happy for me. instead it got worse when i entered high school, had i known this in 7th grade i wouldda slit my throat by now. but i was oblivious to the situation and dangers head for me.....i was lost in my empty hope. Hell, i even assaulted a teacher who smacked me in the head. that day i was like 11 or 9 or something, my teacher smacked me and i assaulted him, i almost stabbed him in the eye with my pencil. i was almost jailed. the cops have my finger prints on record. i only didn't get locked up because i had to sign a paper to see a therapist. At that time i was suffering suicidal thoughts and i hated myself at this point. therapy obviously didn't help 1 bit if I'm here right now. My freshman year of high school was horrible, i almost got that explosive anger back. i felt like getting guns and shooting up my school i was so pissed,at one point. now its softmore year and i lost most interest in life. i don't even feel like getting outta bed. I'm failing most of classes because i lost interest in doing the work(i thought it was lazyness until i found out it was deep depression). I'm in constant pain, be it physical or emotional. my back hurts all the time at school, I lose my breath on my way to classes. I don't bother to make myself look any better than what it is because I know girls would reject me so i don't try at all. I am out of shape, even for american standards for godssake, but i look like i should be in way more shape. I'm timid and quiet, but i'm more stubborn than an ass. i don't even no why i haven't committed suicide yet.....Last year i got the internet for the first time and i found a stick figure animation program called Pivot. I started animating for fun and soon got recognized.....maybe that could be why. But this new new joy i got couldn't last long. in one day even, the new glory i had reveled in, turned to horror. Pivot users are 8-17 by average. I was on a forum for people who did that. And i was suddenly insulted, and humiliated before the entire forum. I almost quit animating, and that was a major spark in in my suicidal thought pool.....but when i got depressed from that, all the horrid memories came rushing in and it made the pain thousands of times worse. And now school putting too much stress on me, and my lack of self worth, and im failing most of my classes: so i obviously can't do anything right, and the constant pains..........
thats why i wanna die, and yes i do seek death, not relief. relief is gonna be death for me, because i despise life now, its deplorable, long, boring, and worthless. Why i came here was to see otherwise, but i just can't go on.....I'm so close to commiting it. this place is my last hope, if i can't find relief/comfort here, i will end my life...........
I been like this for about 6-10 years. the last time i can recall true innocent happiness was when i defended my little brother from a toddler who stole his lollipop. i was six at the time and beat up this kid and gave my brother the lolly. he also kicked sand in my brother's face. i didn't completely beat up the kid but i stopped as soon as i got the lolly. then he threw a stone at me as i was tending to my brother. Then i beat him til he passed out from loss of blood. I most likely broke his nose. protecting my brother and those years prior to that were happy and safe. After that when i got to school i was picked on by adults and kids alike. i couldn't have justice because i didn't know how to say it right, not 'cause i am a liar or anything, i just didn't know the words....i could go through it, but i wanna forget it all. I was lied to my whole life or at least it's how i feel. The adults who are "responsible" and there to "help" me picked on me
not to mention i also got beat up for verbally assaulting anyone who harmed me, i tried to make them feel as bad as i did, instead i got my ass handed to me all the time and never won. another reason why i feel worthless...>_> I was lied to about my teen years being full of hope and happy for me. instead it got worse when i entered high school, had i known this in 7th grade i wouldda slit my throat by now. but i was oblivious to the situation and dangers head for me.....i was lost in my empty hope. Hell, i even assaulted a teacher who smacked me in the head. that day i was like 11 or 9 or something, my teacher smacked me and i assaulted him, i almost stabbed him in the eye with my pencil. i was almost jailed. the cops have my finger prints on record. i only didn't get locked up because i had to sign a paper to see a therapist. At that time i was suffering suicidal thoughts and i hated myself at this point. therapy obviously didn't help 1 bit if I'm here right now. My freshman year of high school was horrible, i almost got that explosive anger back. i felt like getting guns and shooting up my school i was so pissed,at one point. now its softmore year and i lost most interest in life. i don't even feel like getting outta bed. I'm failing most of classes because i lost interest in doing the work(i thought it was lazyness until i found out it was deep depression). I'm in constant pain, be it physical or emotional. my back hurts all the time at school, I lose my breath on my way to classes. I don't bother to make myself look any better than what it is because I know girls would reject me so i don't try at all. I am out of shape, even for american standards for godssake, but i look like i should be in way more shape. I'm timid and quiet, but i'm more stubborn than an ass. i don't even no why i haven't committed suicide yet.....Last year i got the internet for the first time and i found a stick figure animation program called Pivot. I started animating for fun and soon got recognized.....maybe that could be why. But this new new joy i got couldn't last long. in one day even, the new glory i had reveled in, turned to horror. Pivot users are 8-17 by average. I was on a forum for people who did that. And i was suddenly insulted, and humiliated before the entire forum. I almost quit animating, and that was a major spark in in my suicidal thought pool.....but when i got depressed from that, all the horrid memories came rushing in and it made the pain thousands of times worse. And now school putting too much stress on me, and my lack of self worth, and im failing most of my classes: so i obviously can't do anything right, and the constant pains..........thats why i wanna die, and yes i do seek death, not relief. relief is gonna be death for me, because i despise life now, its deplorable, long, boring, and worthless. Why i came here was to see otherwise, but i just can't go on.....I'm so close to commiting it. this place is my last hope, if i can't find relief/comfort here, i will end my life...........
