how can i go on?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shifter, Mar 24, 2009.

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  1. Shifter

    Shifter Well-Known Member

    16 years of age....I'm only 16 and I am a very high point in suicidal thoughts, and i feel worthless than nothing.

    I been like this for about 6-10 years. the last time i can recall true innocent happiness was when i defended my little brother from a toddler who stole his lollipop. i was six at the time and beat up this kid and gave my brother the lolly. he also kicked sand in my brother's face. i didn't completely beat up the kid but i stopped as soon as i got the lolly. then he threw a stone at me as i was tending to my brother. Then i beat him til he passed out from loss of blood. I most likely broke his nose. protecting my brother and those years prior to that were happy and safe. After that when i got to school i was picked on by adults and kids alike. i couldn't have justice because i didn't know how to say it right, not 'cause i am a liar or anything, i just didn't know the words....i could go through it, but i wanna forget it all. I was lied to my whole life or at least it's how i feel. The adults who are "responsible" and there to "help" me picked on me :mad: not to mention i also got beat up for verbally assaulting anyone who harmed me, i tried to make them feel as bad as i did, instead i got my ass handed to me all the time and never won. another reason why i feel worthless...>_> I was lied to about my teen years being full of hope and happy for me. instead it got worse when i entered high school, had i known this in 7th grade i wouldda slit my throat by now. but i was oblivious to the situation and dangers head for me.....i was lost in my empty hope. Hell, i even assaulted a teacher who smacked me in the head. that day i was like 11 or 9 or something, my teacher smacked me and i assaulted him, i almost stabbed him in the eye with my pencil. i was almost jailed. the cops have my finger prints on record. i only didn't get locked up because i had to sign a paper to see a therapist. At that time i was suffering suicidal thoughts and i hated myself at this point. therapy obviously didn't help 1 bit if I'm here right now. My freshman year of high school was horrible, i almost got that explosive anger back. i felt like getting guns and shooting up my school i was so pissed,at one point. now its softmore year and i lost most interest in life. i don't even feel like getting outta bed. I'm failing most of classes because i lost interest in doing the work(i thought it was lazyness until i found out it was deep depression). I'm in constant pain, be it physical or emotional. my back hurts all the time at school, I lose my breath on my way to classes. I don't bother to make myself look any better than what it is because I know girls would reject me so i don't try at all. I am out of shape, even for american standards for godssake, but i look like i should be in way more shape. I'm timid and quiet, but i'm more stubborn than an ass. i don't even no why i haven't committed suicide yet.....Last year i got the internet for the first time and i found a stick figure animation program called Pivot. I started animating for fun and soon got recognized.....maybe that could be why. But this new new joy i got couldn't last long. in one day even, the new glory i had reveled in, turned to horror. Pivot users are 8-17 by average. I was on a forum for people who did that. And i was suddenly insulted, and humiliated before the entire forum. I almost quit animating, and that was a major spark in in my suicidal thought pool.....but when i got depressed from that, all the horrid memories came rushing in and it made the pain thousands of times worse. And now school putting too much stress on me, and my lack of self worth, and im failing most of my classes: so i obviously can't do anything right, and the constant pains..........

    thats why i wanna die, and yes i do seek death, not relief. relief is gonna be death for me, because i despise life now, its deplorable, long, boring, and worthless. Why i came here was to see otherwise, but i just can't go on.....I'm so close to commiting it. this place is my last hope, if i can't find relief/comfort here, i will end my life...........
  2. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    I can definately relate to you. Like I said in the welcome thread, I too am 16 and a sophomore at a humongous independent academy(pisshole).

    Do you currently go to a therapist? They can help massively as well as get you a 504 plan to help relieve some of the stress at school.

    As far as suicide goes, it's really something you need to get help about if they are getting extreme. Suicide attempts are hard on everyone, I know first hand.

    I'm not really one that's good with words of comfort, but my pm box is always open if you need someone that understands what it's like or even just an ear to vent to.

    Stay safe. :smile:
  3. Shifter

    Shifter Well-Known Member

    no i don't, i even talked to Jodee Blanco over the phone, she helped but I'm back to square one -.- I don't think i can be helped..............but thank you so much for that
  4. Shifter

    Shifter Well-Known Member

    oh sure ignore me.....thats so reassuring >_>
    thanky you SF...........................
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello Shifter,

    Welcome to SF. :hug:

    I'm sorry you have been treated so badly.
    I agree with bcs,therapy can help you a lot :hug: Have you seen a doctor about your depression?
    If you'd like to talk privately you can PM me too :)
  6. Shifter

    Shifter Well-Known Member

    the only thing therapy did for me was prevent me from being the next Hitler -.- and no i am not, only my parents, 2 close friends, and Jodee, with you guys know im suicidal, i hid it well from my other friends and associates.....
  7. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    why, how do you think they will react if you tell them?
  8. Shifter

    Shifter Well-Known Member

    I think id cause a scene, get alienated and be treated weird......and my life is beyond bad enough already........
  9. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    or you get some support from people who love and care about you and they are looking for your best interest..

    support is always nice, knowing that you dont have to cope with it alone, that you can always turn to someone
  10. Shifter

    Shifter Well-Known Member

    to bad im too shy to do that.......damn, I'm just an insult to the male gender then, right? Damn, this pain is unbearable....i had a knife up to my neck last night, sadly my neck only lost a few cells, what was i thinking? -.-
  11. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    no no no, its really not how i meant it!
    Maybe you can write a letter, or atleast tell someone

    you really dont have to be going through all this alone!

    I know it seems hard and scary to do, but once you told someone I am sure you feel better, cause than you have someone who can help you. so you dont have to do things alone..
  12. Shifter

    Shifter Well-Known Member

    sorry about how i worded that, u didn't spark anything, believe me...but i am deeply at war with myself.......i dunno if i can be saved, but thats probably my stupid hormones talking.....
  13. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    maybe you dont need to be saved
    you just need some help..

    And i want to help you but i think you would benefit from someone close to you helping you aswell

    just think about it :hug:
  14. Shifter

    Shifter Well-Known Member

    thanks a billion
  15. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    I am here for you, remember that :hug:
  16. tendenCs_89

    tendenCs_89 Well-Known Member

    im 17 and pretty depressed/suicidal, i can relate to what you say (especially having no interest in life and finding it hard to even get out of bed). It sounds to me (tell me if im wrong) that teh main reason as to why your suicidal is cos your lonely and alienated. If you dont get on with people you know and have these anger problems you can feel like the black sheep and like no one understands you. Maybe try and get stuck into something, it seemed like animation did that for you for a while, so try and get back into that or maybe something else. Try and find some peopl who are into it as well, try and find some common ground with people, and hopefully you should feel more integrated with people. Maybe get some work experience or something at an editing studio. Its easy to have the "fuck me? FUCK YOU!" attitude, I know ive been there, but everyone needs to feel connected to something.
    Hope that helped
    PM me anytime man
  17. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    update this post every once in a while, or pm/msn me, if you ever need a friend to talk to :)
  18. Shifter

    Shifter Well-Known Member

    its alienation, and abuse, but u got most of it. and thanks alot ^^
  19. darkrider

    darkrider Well-Known Member

    It may be a small comfort that every person on here feels the same way. Maybe if we give things time we'll figure things out. I don't know. I'm searching for hope too.
  20. Shifter

    Shifter Well-Known Member

    I'm out of time......
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