How can I hang on any longer

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by live_or_die, Dec 26, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. live_or_die

    live_or_die Member

    I been fucked since the age of 15, to briefly summarize my life. Lived a white boy in shitty ghetto neighborhoods because of my parents where I had anything going on and few friends. A few times afflicted with some shitty illnesses that took quite a time and many doctor visits and meds to beat. Also suffered very bad shyness to girls. Along I had severe acne that wouldn't go away until I took accutane "the miracle drug" so they called and yes it was a miracle. I beaten each and every thing, so why am I complaining?

    Me today... 21 years old, very handsome with a large penis it's like I been blessed (yes some folks couldn't regognize me from back in the days), smart, confident and get looks from girls wherever I go, clubs especially. Also live in good neighborhood.

    My problems, I have no friends, even though I live in NYC but all people just seem to be anynonymous, and plus I have no way to meet people. I don't go anywhere since I ain't go nobody. I don't got a job since I'm so fucking depressed and I don't wanna work no shit job for peanuts. So I make my living selling weed. (I don't drink or do drugs ever). And can't and never had a girlfriend only got laid once and that was with an escort. Why can't I get girls? Very little skills although I ain't scared to talk to girls just nothing much to say which makes me worthless. Sure I could get a ugly chick but no thanks. They like my looks but that won't get me far. Sure I gotten numbers many times but nothing ever happens! Always the same story they are too busy or after a few phone conversations just get uninterested in me (wonder why:eek:hmy:). At this rate I can never got anybody, and looking at this will go on and on. Where do I meet all these girls? Well on the street only, that's my only place where I can anyway, and fuck these damn bars and clubthey suck and don't work for me at all. Besides meeting people and girls there is the worst place. Everybody is high or drunk and just jumping to the music.

    What really pisses me off the most, I meet such pretty girls sometimes, get their number and then well nothing. And what kills me the most, some other guy gets them! And on top me being handsome and a big cock even pisses me off more. What's the point for me to look good so I can smile in the mirror or keep hearing these compliments from people that I should be a model!? And as for my big cock!? So I can jerk off and say to myself, WOW, I'm big!? I can't put the only things I have to use!

    My other problem, I am very ill right now with laryngopharyngeol reflux, it's a condition where stomach acid backs up to your throat (go figure how miserable I feel). I been suffering for 1 1/2 years and am on daily meds and only get like 40-50% relief which still makes me feel like shit. I been to numerous docs and tests and they can't do nothing. Some docs just said live with it and take your meds and pray for a miracle. One doc who can't help me either said "don't live with it" (NO SHIT!!) because this problem lingers I may have some serious complication in my voicebox in the near future including cancer! There is a surgery to correct this problem but it's a very difficult surgery and there is a good chance it may do more harm then good and no doc would recommend me the surgery anyway.

    I put up with everything in my life, so many times I been suicidal, I even started to accept my girl problem and thought I'll just keep trying and maybe I'll do something right, but since my illness struck me this put me down completely. I just can't hang anymore. Since I live in NYC and it's cold here, my throat feels so terrible when I walk outside, that I'm forced to be housebound some days and wishing I was dead. I just dunno where to go. I can't live on with my throat like this and having nobody. I now I'm young now but I'm not getting any younger!! Another several years from now I'm already in my late 20s, I refuse to piss my years away. And since I been so ill with this problem I have tormented my parents and my mother always shed tears. I just lost myself lately. And on top moving into this new neighborhood since about a year it's impossible to meet somebody nobody hangs out here just walk through. I'm going insane. Please somebody help me, no damn doc or psyhciatrist can for sure!!
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 26, 2007
  2. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Sorry to hear you feel the way you feel. I know that being ill makes life difficult at times but try not to focus on your illness and occupy your mind on something usefull to yourself.

    You seem to focus a little too much on physical aspect of your person and not enough on what you could accomplish to better your situation.

    If meeting people is a problem, get involved in activities where people hang.
    Volunteer work, fitness, exercise, hobbies, sport whatever the list is endless should you look at something else than your navel once in a while. You
    self pity yourself yet do little to better the outcome so give a thought at what is external to your person and work on your inner self..a bit of self esteem wouldn't hurt either.

    As to have your parents upset and have your mother shed tears, that is not something that will help you neither in the today nor the tomorrow. You have one set of parents so dont make them turn against you as life would become harder on you. Try to be a bit smoother on yourself and others and you will see that what goes around comes around.

    Good luck and stay safe
  3. live_or_die

    live_or_die Member

    Activities, heard that before and I did try that and it was more fucked up then I ever imagined and it was definitely more then 1 try more like 20! As for my parents, I never wanted to torment them but sometimes I had some very severe depression bouts where my father had to hold me down, because I just couldn't keep myself anymore. On top my mind is so fucked right now, I have nobody to tell this too except my poor parents.I know I hear that everytime "don't think about my illness so much!?" How can I not? I can't eat the foods I enjoy anymore without feeling like shit afterwards, I can't walk the streets properly without feeling miserable and on top seeing people happy and couples walking around, it gets even worse, I can't even talk more then some time, otherwise my throat feels really bad. So no matter how much I tried to block it out, it's always where I go. I tried to keep myself busy and such and didn't work, so I'm back to my usual daily routine, which is watching movies, listening to music, walking around, selling some weed, meet some girls that I never see again anyway, go to sleep.
  4. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Twenty tries is good but not even a percent of what the possibilities are out there dear. Keep trying and look for something different till you found something you both enjoy and meet worthy people. Offer time in old folks or hospitals or where there are children involved, work for the homeless or anything that will higher your self esteem as well dear, you really need it from the sound of it. You could offer time in school to help kids behind or slow learners or even immigrants to learn english for example. I repeat myself but opportunities are unlimited if one thinks about it hun. Even taking up some studies of some sort.... either college or music or painting just to get you out of home and does it sound?

    I didn't mean you got on your parents' back for the fun of it, but try to moderate your moods and find ways to cope in better ways or to express it in more calm ways 'before' hitting the roof.... empty the bag sort off before it gets too full or it will be bound to blow and that is no good for any of you... is what i mean for as much as humanly possible. I am glad tho that you are open and talk about it all with them, they are and will always be your best allies in life and your best friends...always there for you no matter what till they die so really i do mean it, i am glad you have such relationship with them.

    Going around in life without aim is a real slow cancer. You do need to break this as soon as possible... (weeds selling is no activity :dry: ) and get involved somehow.
  5. live_or_die

    live_or_die Member

    Of course weed selling is no activity it's a job, a person who enjoys doing that is seriously fucked up unless he likes the risk of going to jail. Being a humanitarian won't help me much either, working with those kind of people isn't easy and many of them give you a lot of shit so no thanks! For christ sake, I was getting a vaccine recently at a free immunization clinic, and people in there were rude and I'm talking about the people working there and people getting the vaccines, all these free services or so called "humanitarian places" is the worst place to be at.

    And still none of this will help me forget that I'm alone, with no friends or girls, nowhere to go, my aimless days and being sick. As for getting a job, well I did that too, all I get is hard work and low pays. Sure many people do that, but not me, and besides the places where I had those jobs, so many people in there are complete assholes which made me even more to walk away, so I decided to sell weed where I get paid and easy work and money. And on top living in this good neighborhood my risk getting caught is almost nonexistant.

    So really what the hell can I do? I know my girl skills ain't getting better neither is my illness! Sure I can go to college, but since these places are packed with girls, this will be the biggest pain ever, because I'll definitely not get the ones I want with my low skills. And no I'm not being passimistic but this a prove and the 100s of girls I met!
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 26, 2007
  6. zoebaby

    zoebaby Well-Known Member

    hi, first of all let me tell you that if you want to meet some worthwhile people you have to be somewhere where worthwhile people are and they are NOT in the streets. I was on my own at a really young age, no parents, but thank god i had my grandparents to mentor me, let me tell you when my life was hustling i never felt good and the money made by doing illegal things sure did not make me feel good. If you want to feel good about yourself it starts on the inside if your good looking but you are a jerk that doesnt help either. The best I have ever felt about myself is when Im working, even when I had a crappy job I had the conviction that at least I was trying, and you can look in the mirror and smile when you are at least making an effort. And people will respect you if you are trying, sometimes you have to take baby steps in jobs, you can start with a job that youre not espicially happy with but at least youre going, and future employeers will like that.And then start looking for another job that you like better, Im not just telling you this I have done it. An idle mind is the devils workshop . Also when you have something positive in you're life you will have something to offer a girl and you will attract positive people and nice girls, good luck, you are so young and you have time to better youre life.
  7. live_or_die

    live_or_die Member

    Again this "you're still young" keep hearing that over and over. Guess what I also heard that several years ago and now what, I'm getting older!! Another several years go by I'll still hear "you're still young" and then another several years go by...time flies, nothing changes unless you do so, but I just can't seem to find a change. On top, I'm not a jerk, this is my problem. If I was an asshole I would be much better in my life. I'm too nice and kind and people view me as weak. But I can't change the way I'm, my feeling won't let me too. And girls don't like nice guys like me anyway, they seem to be attracted to those assholes, not all but a lot. And some of them have really asshole boyfriends and they still stay with them. And it's always those fucked up people that do good in life since they have the capability to cheat, lie and steal from others. Sure some of them may feel guilt but most don't give a fuck about their leeching as long as they do good! Now you're gonna say, they'll do bad in the end, maybe yes maybe no. But even if yes at least they had their time. I'd rather live another 5 years good and then die then another 50 years with misery!!
  8. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    You sound very negative. Every suggestion you are given is thrown out immediately. So you won't volunteer because you went to get a free shot and someone was mean to you? Wow. Good reason. No offense, but if you complain this much to women then it's not a huge leap to think that they might not want to be with you. People want to be with someone who makes them feel good, not someone who complains all the time. You don't wanna work a crap job for low pay? Who does? But people do it anyway because they need the cash and a steady job, so what makes you any different? It's not like the guy who works at Mc Donald's wakes up every day thinking it's his dream job, but he does it anyway.

    I'm sorry about your illness, but many more people are going through illnesses such as Cancer or Lupus or Parkinson's. At least you don't have any of those, so try to look on the bright side.

    Maybe girls don't want to go out with you because you live with your parents and sell pot for a living. Maybe go back to school and get a degree which will enable you to have a better job and live on your own, even if you have to sell pot to do it. Do something pro-active and turn your life around.

    Don't just give up on life because it might be unpleasant some of the time. Get that operation. Have you tried taking Nexium? I know it helped my friend who has the same condition a LOT.

    It might be difficult at first, but what you are doing now is obviously not working, so try a change and see what happens.
  9. live_or_die

    live_or_die Member

    Well first of all I don't complain to people, people that know me never see me the way you guys did on this forum. You think if I would be the way I was on this forum people would want to associate with me or girls in particular? How do serial killers pull it off? Most of the time people could never tell they could do such horrible dispicable violence when they get caught. And you think I tell girls I sell pot? Would you tell them that when you meet them? I ain't Robert Deniro in Taxi Driver to take my first date to a porn theather. And what's wrong with living with parents? Plenty of guys my age live with their parents, and their girl or girl(S) say to say don't give a damn. Maybe it's just you I dunno. As for my illness, yes I tried Nexium it was the first med given to me and I took several months until I gave it up and started switching it worked at first but then went completely down the drain just like the other meds, docs dunno why this is happening, well neither do I! Sure there is people with a lot worse illnesses like cancer and AIDS but that won't make me feel better, whatever you have is bad! At one time when I had bad acne, I thought it was horrible but others would laugh at it, it may be funny but not to me. Recurrent Genital Herpes may sound funny too but I don't think if your dick or cuchie always burns and irritates you is funny. Some people may be on a wheel chair and still be happy, it's the way your mind takes this stuff. I was locked up in jail once for 6 months in my 18s, I was depressed and sad all the time while other guys where joking around, singing and feeling as if everyday was good, go figure this.
  10. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Sorry the Nexium didn't work. You really should try to get approval for the operation.

    I dunno how old you are, you just said you were getting older, so I assumed you were too old to be living at home. Perhaps not.

    When exactly does it go downhill for you? I mean, if you're good-looking, you will automatically be given the benefit of the doubt, so at what point do girls stop talking to you? There must be a pattern...
  11. live_or_die

    live_or_die Member

    I'm 21 years old well yes I may be still young by other people's standards but not mine, yes I'm getting older and fast, I remember when I was 15 like it was yesterday. Another day I may wake up 30 and remember being 21 like yesterday, I don't want that! As for the operation it ain't that simple it's not a circumcision!! First of all for for my type of reflux it ain't that effective only about 60-70% and on top there is about a 20% chance for complications and some are really shitty. Now imagine it don't work and I have complications I'll be a 100 times worse. I know if I'll have this ongoing inflammation in my voicebox it may get very bad in the future, but there is nothing I can do. And besides docs just keep switching me on those high dose PPIs like Prevacid, Prilosec etc. I'm on Zegerid I heard it's a little better then the others and people seem to be fond of it when nothing works and new too so big thumbs up!!! (up your ass) So far haven't seen shit.

    For the girl part, actually they do talk to me (well the ones that do) and I get a number a lot of times and they seem really happy when they give it to me. So when I call them I get the usual story they are too busy and just dunno when they can see me and some even call me back just to talk but after a few phone calls, it starts getting really dull since I really don't how to hold conversations on that damn phone and so they just part away. Now you may say my dates may be dull as well but they ain't that true, if you see somebody in person you could do a lot better conversations and activities then a fucking phone. It's unbelievable it's like every girl out there is busy with their lives, so it makes me wonder how come there is many couples and people go out all the time. And some of those so called "busy" girls, I sometimes have ran into them a few months with a "guy." I'm sure they are very busy now :huh: And also I don't have good game, if it wasn't for my looks I wouldn't even get that number! Now either it's me, them or what for my failures. I guess a little of both!
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 27, 2007
  12. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Well, IMHO, the operation is worth a shot. Secondly, keep your phone conversations short and sweet. Why meet someone and then talk for hours on the phone? Talk long enough to tell her that you like her (personality, looks, etc.) and then make a date! No wonder it goes wrong when you have only met once and you are talking on the phone for God knows how long. Be unavailable! Tell her you want to see her again and that you have to go and that's it.

    If your looks are your strong suit, then work with that. When you call her on the telephone, speak briefly and make a date with her and then tell her you have to go because you have A, B and C to do. You shouldn't be forced to have a heart-felt conversation with someone who you don't even know! That happens with time.

    I wouldn't want to talk to some guy I had been out with one freaking time for 2 hours. Like I said, be unavailable, but not too unavailable. Say "hello", say a couple of nice things, and then ask her out and get off the phone. It's worked for people for years!
  13. live_or_die

    live_or_die Member

    Well the operation may be worth a shot, but like I said no doc in the world would refer me to it, they said you are too young to get fucked up even more. Well if I don't do the surgery then my larynx is fucked! They are all speechless, but then again the surgery is very scary and one of the most difficult around and only a few surgeons do it since when they strenghten your lower sphincter muscle, the surgeon does a edcuated guess!! If he does it right, well you are cured! If it's too lose, your reflux will be even worse, and then they have to open you up again. If it's too tight, well you have a bunch of problems like severe gas bloating, chronic diarrhea, difficulty swallowing and/or breathing, nausea, vomiting etc. Believe this all really put me off as well.

    About the girls. well that's what I do those brief conversations but they seem to linger with me on the phone and they won't let me go. I wanna safe all of that for a date! But they won't let me. Believe I call, talk about 5 mins put a little charm make them laugh a few times and get to the date and then I hear that busy shit!! It's like I'm not supposed to have a girlfriend, get me?
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.