I apologise in advance if this is really long. I just really need to get advice and talk about this. I have been suicidal for months now. I have attempted to harm myself many times in front of an extremely good friend of mine. I am currently in a situation where I have hurt my best friend more than I ever could do. I have been the worst thing to happen to him in his life. He has told me this and I know deep down. Because I have tried to hurt myself and I always text him when I'm about to do something, he tells me he gets constant pains now and hes always scared. He's in a right state because of me and I can't do anything about it. I try and tell him there are things happening that he doesn't understand. I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere with my parents. I can't drive so I can't get out. I run my own business but I'm losing it because everytime I get like this I can't write and that's what I do - I'm a writer. I need a clear head to write and I obviosuly don't have one.He's my only friend but I'm in love with him. We started out seeing each other but he doesn't like relationships for whatever reason and he finished it. Now I'm stuck where just being friends makes me miserable, but hes the only friend I have and hes been there through everything and I keep hurting him every time I feel like this. I lash out and I don't know what I'm doing and then I hate myself more and really do want to die. I tried cutting contact with him this morning. But then I panicked. Without him in my life I have nothing and then I really can't cope. So why did I do it?Why can't i just accept being friends with him?surely it would be better than losing contact altogether?but it never is.it always seems to get to m and then highlight my other problems. Anyway i sent him the worst possible texts i could have ever sent.i had told him i wanted to kill myself and I was leaving because I couldn't go back home. My issues are at home and I can't face up to them anymore.There are things that have happened that just wont go away.when im away from them im fine.when i live with them i'm really not and it scares me.So i was upset and scared to death because i dont want to die but i felt so alone and like life wasn't worth living.I set off out. I was determined not to go back. I kept texting him and he wouldn't text back. so I got angry and i got into a state. I've never been in that much of a state before.Its like something took over and i couldn't stop it. so i text him really horrible texts in that state.texts i cant take back and which have caused a lot of damage. i told him i hoped he would remember this day forever and that i hated him and he let me die alone. he was in a meeting with him boss that's why he hadn't replied and hes saying we need to get everyone involved this time,my parents everyone. but the trouble with that is my parents are my problem. It isn't their fault. I love them to bits, but so many things have happened that I can't forget and being with them makes me feel worthless and it brings everything back.thats why i cant cope here.but i would rather kill myself and have them think its because of my debt and other problems than because of them.if they find out they will shout at me.i know this for a fact because i tried to take an overdose when i was 13 and they really laid into me. i cant talk to them about anything i never could. they have had their own problems and they cant deal with mine too. I had to move back with my parents because i split up from my ex who i was with for 5 years. I hadn't felt suicidal once when I was with him no matter how bad my life got (and it got pretty bad).but then moving back to my parents and being so isolated brought everything out.i cant handle it anymore.i'm in so much pain everyday and nobody understands.i've tried to confide in my friend but he can't truly understand and he says things that he thinks helps like to look on the bright side etc. he doesn't understand when i get so depressed it isn't me.deep down im caring, im normal but this depression takes over and i cant stop it and it hurts him. I don't know what I can possibly say to make him undertstand. To make him know how sorry i am and how i hate myself but i cant help it.how i feel so lost and alone and how these problems wont go away.how can i explain what depression is and how it controls you so you don't know what you're saying or doing? i really love him and i hate myself for hurting him and for not being strong enough to get through this. any advice on how i can help him to understand?i need him so much but i know its not fair to put all this on him either.please help.