How can I make him understand

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AimeeLou1984, May 8, 2008.

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  1. AimeeLou1984

    AimeeLou1984 Member

    I apologise in advance if this is really long. I just really need to get advice and talk about this.

    I have been suicidal for months now. I have attempted to harm myself many times in front of an extremely good friend of mine. I am currently in a situation where I have hurt my best friend more than I ever could do. I have been the worst thing to happen to him in his life. He has told me this and I know deep down. Because I have tried to hurt myself and I always text him when I'm about to do something, he tells me he gets constant pains now and hes always scared. He's in a right state because of me and I can't do anything about it.

    I try and tell him there are things happening that he doesn't understand. I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere with my parents. I can't drive so I can't get out. I run my own business but I'm losing it because everytime I get like this I can't write and that's what I do - I'm a writer. I need a clear head to write and I obviosuly don't have one.He's my only friend but I'm in love with him. We started out seeing each other but he doesn't like relationships for whatever reason and he finished it. Now I'm stuck where just being friends makes me miserable, but hes the only friend I have and hes been there through everything and I keep hurting him every time I feel like this. I lash out and I don't know what I'm doing and then I hate myself more and really do want to die.

    I tried cutting contact with him this morning. But then I panicked. Without him in my life I have nothing and then I really can't cope. So why did I do it?Why can't i just accept being friends with him?surely it would be better than losing contact altogether?but it never always seems to get to m and then highlight my other problems.

    Anyway i sent him the worst possible texts i could have ever sent.i had told him i wanted to kill myself and I was leaving because I couldn't go back home. My issues are at home and I can't face up to them anymore.There are things that have happened that just wont go away.when im away from them im fine.when i live with them i'm really not and it scares me.So i was upset and scared to death because i dont want to die but i felt so alone and like life wasn't worth living.I set off out. I was determined not to go back. I kept texting him and he wouldn't text back. so I got angry and i got into a state. I've never been in that much of a state before.Its like something took over and i couldn't stop it. so i text him really horrible texts in that state.texts i cant take back and which have caused a lot of damage. i told him i hoped he would remember this day forever and that i hated him and he let me die alone. he was in a meeting with him boss that's why he hadn't replied and hes saying we need to get everyone involved this time,my parents everyone.

    but the trouble with that is my parents are my problem. It isn't their fault. I love them to bits, but so many things have happened that I can't forget and being with them makes me feel worthless and it brings everything back.thats why i cant cope here.but i would rather kill myself and have them think its because of my debt and other problems than because of them.if they find out they will shout at me.i know this for a fact because i tried to take an overdose when i was 13 and they really laid into me. i cant talk to them about anything i never could. they have had their own problems and they cant deal with mine too.

    I had to move back with my parents because i split up from my ex who i was with for 5 years. I hadn't felt suicidal once when I was with him no matter how bad my life got (and it got pretty bad).but then moving back to my parents and being so isolated brought everything out.i cant handle it anymore.i'm in so much pain everyday and nobody understands.i've tried to confide in my friend but he can't truly understand and he says things that he thinks helps like to look on the bright side etc. he doesn't understand when i get so depressed it isn't me.deep down im caring, im normal but this depression takes over and i cant stop it and it hurts him.

    I don't know what I can possibly say to make him undertstand. To make him know how sorry i am and how i hate myself but i cant help i feel so lost and alone and how these problems wont go can i explain what depression is and how it controls you so you don't know what you're saying or doing? i really love him and i hate myself for hurting him and for not being strong enough to get through this.

    any advice on how i can help him to understand?i need him so much but i know its not fair to put all this on him either.please help.
  2. AimeeLou1984

    AimeeLou1984 Member

    i also have to say,my parents would not just shout at me it would kill them. knowing how much they ahve affected me would really, really hurt them. It sin't their fault so why should I make them suffer? Surely it would be better to die with them thinking it was because of debt etc than because of them? Id rather feel all of this hurt and pain myself than hurt them.I'm alreayd hurting the only person I have ever loved and I hate myself for that. I just can't hurt anybody else - I can't.
  3. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You could.
    And don't get so upset about who you might have hurt during this time. Depression will not be with you forever, and when you start to feel better, you can explain how it wasn't really you. You said yourself it's not really you. You can tell them that you were going through a rough time. Or you can tell them now.
    You might feel bad about saying certain things but it's ok and you don't have to hate yourself. You're just at a low point. It's not the end of the world that you've said those things and this guy sounds like he will forgive you.
    Well I hope everything works out. Give yourself more credit and don't be so hard on yourself!
  4. perry_mason

    perry_mason Well-Known Member

    this is probably not want you will want to hear (and im probably going to get moaned at for it) but you have got to stop bothering your friend.

    basically i think you should try and sort out the problems you are having (and seperate them from issues with your friend) and then when you feel better, you should see where everything stands and see what kind of feelings you have for your friend then.
  5. AimeeLou1984

    AimeeLou1984 Member

    Nobody can get through problems completely on their own,especially not the situation I'm stuck in. I do want to sort out the problems I'm having without relying on my friend too much as I do put a lot onto him. I do feel guilty as hell and I do hate myself for it. Nothing anyone can say on here will make me feel worse for what I put him through.

    I'm looking into getting professional help anyway. But I do think that comment was a bit harsh.Unless you live someone elses life you can't judge, not everybody is able to deal with things completely on their own when they are isolated and stuck in the middle of nowhere with no friends or family to turn to. When you have nobody but yourself,why would you want to carry on. I stick to my friend and rely on him because he's the only one I have and I do need him. Everybody needs somebody to help them through.
  6. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    It's always nice to have people to help you through things but you have to know that you can rely on yourself. You really can. Doesn't mean you can't confide in a friend or that he won't be there to get you through it. But you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You really don't need anyone but yourself love :smile:
  7. Gunner12

    Gunner12 Well-Known Member

    You've got a point, no one can do everything alone.

    I hope many people here will be with you to help you coupe through this tough time.

    We all have an inner strength that we can rely on. The hard part is finding it. But even with that strength, we still need to know that there is people there willing to support us if we fall.
  8. lachrymose

    lachrymose Account Closed

    have you tried counseling?
  9. The Groop

    The Groop Member

    You can't make people understand. I told my son, daughter & sisters that I want to leave this hellhole, that I can't bare the pain anymore, all I get is guilt, that how can I do that to them & how do I think they are going to feel if I do it. They say I am selfish that I would put guilt on them, that they couldn't help me. I've told them that it's not their fault & I have been putting it off for too long, the damage was done long ago. What I want to know is, I understand it will be hard on them when I eventually do it, but can't they understand that everyday I am hurting, why should I always be the one to suffer, just so others don't have to. That's been my life, I have to sacrifice my happiness, so others don't have to.
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