How can I miss out on anything if I'm dead?

[My Choice]

Hey. I want to die because I'm scared to walk and cross streets alone. I'm also scared of uneven surfaces and steps without railings. Recently I've begun to feel very dizzy, even in my own driveway. I don't want to grow up and have to be alone, so I'd rather be dead. When I was nine and told my dad I wanted to die--this was an unrelated crisis--he said I was punishing myself because I would miss out on so much. How stupid is that? I wouldn't miss anything if I were dead! It's my life, so don't I have the right to give it up?

 

[Lingva]

Do you know why you wanted to die when you were 9?

 

[My Choice]

I think that was when I was mad at someone I didn't even know for being unfair to my cousin. It was an anecdote he told me about something that happened more than forty years ago. And then there was last year, when I was in a summer independence training program away from home. Last year's breakdown was even worse than this one. I guess I don't really want to die, just to not be so anxious. Like the other day I was walking down the street in someone's driveway. I thought, I'd hate to walk here if it were wet. And suddenly it felt like it was wet and I could slide down. I don't like hills and driveways for fear of sliding down them, even though it's very unlikely.