How can I not be so jealous?

[Zodi]

I am just a horrid person for it. Many will think this is odd, but I have completely fallen for someone I met online. We haven't met yet but I have shared and learned so much about him that I love him. I don't know if I am in love with him since we haven't met. I am horribly jealous when he talks to a few female friends on line. Its not all of them but a select few.

I have ignored him, verbally attacked him and said good bye to him many times. That is not what I want but it is what I do.

I don't know what to do. I have such a connection with him and I don't want to loose that.

Any advice?

 

[Will]

Online relationships are tricky...before you do anything relationship wise, atleast make him prove he is who he is...not like, outfront, be casual with it. Ask if you can do phones. If you don't want to give him your phone info yet, use Skype, or pretty much as Voice Messenger. And then work towards webcam, it's pretty straightforward proof.

Once that's outta the way, it's pretty much...in person, almost. But I don't know, online love is a very debateable thing, alot of people have different opinions. Just be careful.

 

[Zodi]

Oh, we do. We call each other and send things via mail.

I am a paranoid sort and I haven't caught him in a lie yet.

I have known him for years on a gaming forum.

 

[Will]

oh, I see. Well, I could understand that.

From this point though, it's like one of those things where it's in your opinion, on what you should do. Because sure, there's still a volume of danger in it, but there's also a chance that he might be the person you love for the rest of your life.

But who knows. It's up to you, and what you choose.

 

[Zodi]

It doesn't matter anymore. I blew up at him yesterday and its over. I just have this dead, empty feeling.

I have also come to the conclusion that I will be alone until I die. I will never have anyone to share my life with. That hurts just as bad I guess.

I don't even have any friends. I have lost all of my on line friends and never had many friends in RL.

I give up.

 

[Will]

I know how you feel. Sometimes I can say things like that, and it's jsut overhwelming. You hear it enough and it begins to make sense, and then it begins to be a truth.

Always here if you want ot talk. I'm another forever alone loner.

 

[Zodi]

You know, its a catch-22. I am miserable alone. Since I am miserable, petty, jealous no one wants me. That makes me more miserable.

I guess there comes a point where acceptance is all I can do.

 

[Will]

If it makes you feel better, maybe I can share a story (I'll make it short:dry.

I used to have this friend...and I liked her. Basically after like...8 or 9 months, I was somewhat in love with her. She used to tell me these stories of like talking to other guys and stuff. She wasn't 'mine', and I wished we were together. And She told me like, sometimes these things like of noticing other guys. Sometimes I'd just get so like, hurt over it...I'd just get quiet and numb, and I could feel, answer. And I'd cut till I felt like crying. Then it was like after a few hours I might be normal. But she didn't know this.

Anyway, after, the thing that sort of ticked me off, was around the first December I had met her, she tells me all those stories and stuff were lies. Lies. I cut and bled over lies, stood up at night, worrying what she might say in the morning, because it was never true. I wasn't that mad, but it really did feel...I don't know.

At this point, I sort of stopped and really realized, I am a very jealous person.

I know where you're coming from. It's a sad, dark place, and sometimes I thought I can justify myself by thinking "I'm only jealous because I love you so much", and think it was jsut a sign of affection. But just like that saying, if you hold love too tight, it'll die, and if you hold it too lightly, it'll fly away.

 

[Zodi]

It is a very, very dark place.

I know I have to let him go. I am no good for him. The rational part of me can't expect him to be the only female he comes in contact with. The irrational side says he is fucking everyone that comes his way.

He has told me he loves me. He has told me I have "stinkin' thinkin'". He does do so much for me. I lost my job last year and he sent me money to pay the rent. He sent me a $100.00 gift card for my birthday..the only one that remembered it. He knows I have problems with my shoulder and wanted to drive 5+ hours each way to rototil my garden for me since I can't do it.

Why am I doing this? Why am I attacking someone who cares about me?

I can't stop my thoughts. I can't..I have tried.

 

[Will]

I know exactly how you feel.

I've always thought that retaliating like that is a way of cutting off. When I retaliate, I feel so betrayed, I feel as if I wanted to give up on it. Like basically telling them to go ahead, just DO IT. TELL ME. Just get it over with it. because I KNOW it's gonna hurt, but I want them to be over with it.

It's like feeling betrayed, and then just wanting it to be over. It feels uncomfortable, and like paranoid. Atleast from what I feel like. I say things I don't mean. I say hurtful things. And then I realize at the end of the day I push them farther away then closer. It actually compliments my pain, and I suffer.

Jealousy...it's just...I can understand. Most guys tend to be a little...horny, to say the least, and just cannot help staring at other women. I always had a train of thought that even lokoing at other girls with a lusty type thinking is already commiting the dirty deed.

Sometimes I'd tell myself...why would they even be interested? It's because...they found something better. They found something they like more. Then I just retaliate...it's just too much hurt. it's like they're passively telling you they don't like things about you, then they find people who don't have them.

It's hard.