How can one hold on to life when one seeks to end it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ladycathy1, Jan 19, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. ladycathy1

    ladycathy1 Active Member

    Like so many others-life is getting too difficult to go on. My husband is dead and the space next to him is waiting for me. I have a battle everyday-like so many others. Yes-I have tried before but was found before I died. I am just plain tired of the war. I don't have children to leave behind. My health is very poor. I have so many excuses why I would not be missed. I have a mom that is 73, two sisters and two brothers. My mom, sisters and brothers fight depression too. Mom is always talking about how depressed she is. I don't tell others except on this site-about how depressed I am. I have a public face with smiles and a private one with frowns. I tried to get a pdoc but he is not taking anymore patients. My insurance changed where I can't afford to go to a doctor after January. I made a family doctor appointment for Friday of this week. I wrote a note explaining my depression to him. If I don't get the help I need from him then (?)
    Like I have said in a post before I feel like I am O.C.D. with the self harm thoughts. I am really alright with things. I live with no regrets-now.
    I know that if you have children-then they have a higher rate to follow the mother or father in the action. I have no children.
    I have tried to get through the holidays. I even thought most of this depression was from the holidays.
    I don't see my family doctor really helping me. I have done therapy and even p-hospitals.
    My neighbor could not get me to answer the door the other day. She is the only one who knows I am depressed. She was about to call the police. She even went to the manager of my apartment complex.
    I can't keep living. Day after day of self harm thoughts. I just want to be next to my husband.
    I will see what my family doctor says so don't think it is going to happen today. I will try to get help because it is up to me for my safety. I don't feel safe from myself.
    Thought about the E.R. but had a ex-brother-in-law who tried to kill his self. The doctor told him he should have done it deeper so that he did not have to deal with him. My ex-brother-in-law still lives with my sister.
    Thank you, Cathy
  2. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hello Cathy, it's obvious you are in great distress right now, It's good that you have an appointment with your family doctor and I sincerely hope that he will be able to offer you some help.
    What can I say, well personally I had to undergo many different treatments with various drugs and therapy over a period of many years before eventually coming out of the darkness, don't give up hope, the next drug or the next therapy may be the one that works for you.

  3. ladycathy1

    ladycathy1 Active Member

    I have not seen my family doctor yet. I had a virus that put me down for a few days. I am fighting to hold on but it is not easy. I will see the doctor on Monday.
    Thanks for writing. Cathy
  4. Sparky55313

    Sparky55313 Well-Known Member

    Glad you found us here in SF. You do seem to have what its takes to get yourself in order again. Know I do feel for you and hope the best of things for you. Good luck!
  5. ladycathy1

    ladycathy1 Active Member

    Saw the doctor today. I had written a note explaining my depression. I also told him that I was always thinking of suicide. He read the note but did not comment on it. He just came in and said you don't feel good today. He did not look at me much. I felt like I should not have come in. Then he said he had some samples he could give me of an antidepressant. He gave me Pristiq. I am to take one at night of the 50 mg. I felt like it was all a waste of time. I am going to take Pristiq at night. I also decided to give it a month from today to work. He told me that even though the pdoc is not taking any new patients now-that he has to take new ones if I need to see him. My insurance has changed from a spenddown of 163.00 to 823.00 a month.
    I can't win. Cathy
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope the prestiq works for you I just started on cipralex The psych doctor should have is license taken away saying things like that Some doctors are just incensitive assess I am glad you have a good neighbor looking out for you I don't think it was a waste of time seeing your doctor Now he knows your predicament and if need be get you in for some extra help. take care you did good getting out and getting some help for you way to go
  7. ladycathy1

    ladycathy1 Active Member

    I can't take the new antidepressant. I had a fast heart and very short of breath. I was up most of the night. I found out my insurance is changing but it is not going to be as bad as I thought. I always panic easy about things. Iwon't be on for a few days due to ice and snow coming soon. I get on my sister's computer until I can get mine set up. Thank you all for your help. Cathy
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you can try another antidepressant just to take the edge off a bit. I am starting on Cipralex it seems to help less side effects Keep trying okay keep reaching out for support take care.
  9. ladycathy1

    ladycathy1 Active Member

    The ice and snow has not hit us yet. We are expecting it to come this evening. My doctor said that the side effect is normal with the prestiq but I don't know if I can handle it at night. I thought I might try it in the daytime to see if it might help. I just don't know. Thank you, Cathy
  10. PoisonS

    PoisonS Well-Known Member

    All I can suggest is find something that you enjoy.

    With so many people on here, it seems that their depression rules their thoughts. If you let that happen, it's just going to get worse and worse.

    I know it's hard, but you need to find something that can distract you.

    For me, I write. Yes, my stories suck, but they keep me happy and it's a great way to express my feelings.

    I think most people express their feelings in unhealthy ways, if you can just learn to channel your emotions properly through something you enjoy, I think that you'll find the hard things in life are much easier to handle.

    Good luck.
  11. ladycathy1

    ladycathy1 Active Member

    I stated taking Pristiq in the morning. I am not having the trouble breathing. I think the Pristiq must have been working against my heart medications. I am taking one day at a time. It is not easy when the thoughts try to rule my head. The one time I try to reach out to my family doctor about my depression and he did not look at me. I gave him a letter explaining the depression. I won't reach out for medical help again. I have been thinking of writing a letter to my deceased husband. I want to put it in a bottle and drop it in the river. He used to talk of us taking a long trip on the river in our homemade boat. He died in February 2004. I just hope it helps me since I can't seem to quit grieving for him. Cathy
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.